Monday, September 19, 2011

Spiders, therapists, and supervisors

Weird day.  Good day?  Stressful day?  I'm not sure which one.  It wasn't a bad day--more like an interestingly challenging one.  I woke up with a miracle--a good nights sleep.  I actually slept, and not just that, I slept for more than a couple of hours.  I dreamed of "Angry Birds" and jello.  Hmmm...  I think I might be playing Angry Birds a little too much, and apparently my subconscious wants jello.  I'll have to look into that.  I do like jello as long as it's not yellow or green

While rummaging through my unpacked box of bathroom stuff, I found my jar of amazing coconut oil salt scrub that I got for Xmas.  I thought I accidentally threw it away.  I went to grab for it and grabbed a huuuuuuuge spider instead.  I freaked out.  The spider freaked out.  I calmed down--just an orb weaver.  The spider calmed down and sat in my hand.  Almost cute.  With my hand an arms length in front of me, I walked the giant spider towards the door.  I watched her, she watched me.  I put my hand in my pot of flowers and she climbed on.  I returned to the bathroom and took a coconutty shower.  I feel good, but anxious.  Anxious about my day.  I practiced "thought stopping" and "staying in the moment" from dbt.  I didn't really help but something did.  Maybe it was the coconut oil.  I swear this stuff was made by some kind of ancient deity.

I left the house rested, relaxed and smelling so delicious I wanted to lick my arm.  I settled for sniffing it.  I stepped outside and my little spider friend was still where I left her, weaving a web.  She's cute.  Maybe I'll keep her and name her and feed her flies.

I had to go talk to my old supervisor to sort some things out.  My job might come back, but not until January and I needed to talk about my medical leave and the problems with that.  I really wanted to make sure that I'd get a good recommendation for whatever future job I might get and if I might be rehired.  She told me I had gotten some really negative feedback from the last two schools I was at before I went on medical leave.  I was really worried about all of that.  The really bad review was that I was too quiet.  I'm not sure how that's a negative review since my job is to observe.  My supervisor really wasn't concerned about it, so I'm not sure why she made it such a big deal on the phone.  She said that I will be rehired if I want my job in January and she will still give me a very strong reference if I find a new job.  It was very stressful and awkward at first but we ended the meeting talking and playing games on my phone.

After my meeting I had therapy with Dr. K.  She called around nine last night to ask me to come later to make sure she wouldn't be late for my session.  I really appreciated that.  She actually opened the door early.  She's either a mind reader or one of my blog.  The session was actually okay which just confuses me.  We talked and it wasn't about dbt.  I mean there were aspects of dbt in the suggestions she made to me but it wasn't a tribute session to the practice or anything.  I'm not sure how I can "radically accept" my past without judgement.  I don't know how to radically accept that I never got a family or that I was never adopted and let go of my longing for things I can't have.  It sounds great but I'm not sure how that's possible.  We talked about staying in the moment which sounds kind of stupid when she talked about washing the dishes and only thinking about washing the dishes, but when she gives me real life examples, it doesn't sound as stupid.

We talked about my intense nightmares.  I have memory nightmares but I also have a lot of really gruesome disturbing nightmares where I brutally murder people I care about.  They are really intense and really freaking disturbing.  Why does my mind think about these things?  What is wrong with me?  Anyway, Dr. K told me when I wake up from these kinds of dreams I should get up, go to the bathroom, get something to drink, and try to calm down before I go back to bed.  When I go back to bed I should imagine myself doing good things to whoever I hurt in my dreams.  I should change the dream I guess.  It sounds really simplistic but I'm willing to try it.  She wants to try this "riding the wave" treatment that takes six weeks with me if I want.  Do I want?  Not sure.

Now excuse me while I go watch "Too Cute Puppies."