Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I want to change so fucking badly

I had my DBT therapy today.  Maybe that's the trigger to my current emotional state.  I am lost and frustrated, and sad, and disappointed.  Dr. K just doesn't seem to get it.  She apologized for being two minutes late to day.  I don't know why but that made me feel like she was patronizing me.  I try to joke around with her but she never gets it.  She talks so much and so fast, I'm not sure she ever really hears what I've asked.  Today I asked her to explain "Wise mind" to me and how I'm supposed to practice it.  I get that it's where the rational and emotional mind intersect, but that doesn't tell me how to "practice" wise mind.  I asked Dr. K and she seemed delighted by the question.  She's always praising me for really minimal things, which I also find a little patronizing.  She ran to her desk, grabbed her little paperback workbook on DBT and read to me, very quickly, all these little Marsha Linehan quotes about "wise mind."  That was all great and poetic and nice, but it's also just a bunch of pretty words.  I let the question go because her constant high strung, mousey energy is exhausting.  She speaks much faster than I process.  While doing a mindfulness meditation she said my wise mind is in the deepest breathes in my body, so being the facetious person that I am, I asked "So my wise mind is in my diaphragm?"  She praised me for such a good question and explained to me how my wise mind is not in my diaphragm.  She doesn't get my dark/sarcastic sense of humor I guess.  I feel like she really has no idea what to do with me so she's always jumping around, really anxious about our sessions.  

I've been feeling pretty good lately.  I'm not jumping up and down with joy or anything, but I've been feeling...more stable I guess.  I seem to be slipping back into the darkness lately.  I can go from being totally okay one minute and totally devastated the next.  It's like whenever I feel good my mind starts searching for things to feel bad about.  One minute I'm pretty content, the next I wish I wasn't alive.

I started this blog as my outlet, to write about all the things I can't speak about.  As a place to put all my misery and pain for whoever wants to read it.  I've done a lot of dumb ass things with this blog.  This blog has been a roller coaster of it's own.  I've gotten a lot of attention from certain posts, a lot of negative attention by other posts.  I've gained a lot of readers and lost a lot of readers.  I've been way too raw too many times.  I've been way too dramatic at times.  I just don't know where the boundaries are in blogging, just like I don't know where they are in life and relationships.  People (readers and non readers) keep telling me I have a choice in all of this.  A choice in how I feel.  That it is all up to me--that all I have to do is change but no one tells me how.  I'm doing everything I know how to do to change.  Hours and hours and hours of therapy.  My own online research.  I've read self help books.  I'm blogging (the benefit of this is debatable according to my therapists).  I'm taking some powerful and dangerous medications.  I'm taking vitamins for mental health.  I'm researching diets for mental health.  I'm trying everything I know how to do. 

I've had a lot of readers email and post comments loaded with so much feeling directed at me.  Some are very sweet.  Some are very religious.  Some are a need to save me.  Some are angry.  Some are full of pity.  Some readers feel like I really need a lot of "tough love," whatever that really means.  I have kind, supportive readers so why do I constantly remember the ones that say things that hurt?  I shouldn't care what some stranger on the internet thinks about me.  It shouldn't matter what they say.  But I do and it does.  I document my worse and best into this little box.  So really, this blog is a lot of who I am on the inside--the part of me that nobody in my real life (anymore) gets to see.  Maybe that's why it's so painful.  This is me without a shield or filter.  I often don't even edit these posts.  I just post them as they are, typos and all.  This is me at my most vulnerable so it a bit scary when those parts of me trigger such powerful feelings in others.  I don't want to be the cause of anger.  I don't want to be the cause or the outlet for negative feelings.

There are a lot of failed relationships in my life and I am the common denominator in all these cases.  It's not a nice thing to say about myself.  It's something people don't want me to believe, but it's true.  And I want to change.  How?  I'm trying so freaking hard but it just doesn't seem to be working, or at least, not fast enough.