Sunday, September 18, 2011

Having 2 therapists kinda sucks

I've been out of the partial hospitalization program for a little over a week.  This week went pretty well.  I had a lot of fun last weekend with friends from the program.  I also went to a couple of farmers markets with friends over the weekend and again on Tuesday.  We also had friends over to see our new place on Wednesday.  I have been trying to keep busy and be social although that seems to be getting harder for me.

I've seen a dbt therapist a few times this past month.  I'm supposed to see her and my current therapist for a few months and then switch over to the dbt program.  I thought I was supposed to learn about dbt with this therapist but instead all we have done is talk about the possibility of starting dbt.  She even broke out her computer and made me watch a PowerPoint presentation she put together. Twice.  She has told me about her credentials and education every single session.  Last week I was upset because she kept pushing me to leave my current therapist and start the dbt group next week.  This was supposed to be a slower process in which I learn about dbt and grow to trust the new therapist, but that's not what it's been at all.  Instead my sessions with Dr. K have been all about how wonderful DBT and the creator Marsha something are and all Dr. K's experience in her field.  I really want to say, "Hey Dr. K, I really don't care how many degrees you've got."

Last week I said, "I thought I was supposed to start doing dbt with you.  I thought you were supposed to teach me dbt but instead we are just talking about it.  You can talk about math all you want but you'll never learn how do it unless you practice and work on problems."  The way she looked at me after I said that made me feel kind of stupid.  Our chemistry just doesn't mix well I guess.  She's a nice enough woman, I just don't feel comfortable with her.  She's also been extremely late to every single session which really bothers me.  I was about to leave after waiting 20 minutes on Monday when she opened the door.  I understand that things happen and it's hard to judge traffic in LA, but her reasons for being late suck.  She has always just been hanging out in her office.  Once it was because she put a chair in front of the little signal light and didn't notice I had turned it on and once it was because she forgot what time the session was supposed to start.  We haven't done very much dbt at all, but based on our interactions, and the handouts and articles she's made me read, I find DBT kind of patronizing and dismissive of my feelings, but maybe that's just Dr. K.  I'm not sure if DBT is for me, but my only option is Dr. K if I want the treatment. 

Dr. K keeps asking me what I'm working on with my other therapist, what our goals are.  Her tone bothers me when she asks, but it is a fair question, and it alarms me that I can't answer it.  I called CT (although I guess "current therapist" isn't a very good name anymore) and left a voicemail.  I was very upset about not knowing what we are working on in therapy and how I know that it/she is helping me?  How do I know if psycho-dynamic therapy is the right kind of therapy for me?  How do I know if DBT is the right kind of therapy for me?  Maybe I'm supposed to get some other brand of therapy.  This was basically my topic for therapy on Wednesday.  CT said we could talk about goals and treatment if I wanted to but we never did.  I talked about Dr. K and how upset I am over the whole situation.

I said that I'm ready to drop all therapy because the therapies are becoming more stressful than I can handle.  We talked about that and my frustrations for most of the session.  I had a very difficult time in the session, not because of what we were talking about but because of the thoughts and images I was fighting in my head.  It was kind of like trying to study with the TV on.  You know you need to study, to pay attention to the words in your book, but you keep getting drawn into the TV.  I kept fighting to pay attention to CT, to stay focused and present.  I lost.  My brain won.  It attacked me with images and sounds and feelings.  When it was over I said,"I feel so crazy," and put my hands over my face and began to sob for a very brief moment.  I pulled my hands down thinking I could regulate and keep it together but broke down even harder.  I pulled my shirt over my face and sobbed.  CT thought I was crying about something about having two therapists, but all I really heard was that she was using her softer tone of voice.  "I can't even talk about therapy without being pulled away to places I don't want to go."  I continued to cry.  "Did you have a flashback?"  I didn't answer.  "Did you get pulled to something that happened in the past?"  I shook my head yes.  "Thank you so much for telling me.  We have to stop now but I really want to talk about this tomorrow.  Will I see you tomorrow?"  I was only able to shake my head and I got up and walked out of the room, through the exit door, into the stairwell and cried for I don't know how long.  I don't know where all those feelings came from.  I drove home, took a ton of klonopin and passed out.

Is there a therapy that can fix me?