Friday, September 2, 2011

Gardens, games, and therapy

DBT Diary card... I'm not a fan.  I feel like a little kid with a sticker chart only this chart reminds me of how crappy I feel all the time.  My DBT therapist has so far been late both times I've seen her.  I think it's really rude. She's not just one or two minutes late, she's like 15 or 20 minutes late.  Interestingly though I'm a lot more hurt when CT is a few minutes late.  She's never been more than five mins late, but she always ends on time and it hurts my feelings.  It makes me feel like the time she spends with me is too much for her so she's cutting corners.  It's really stupid and irrational, I know. 

Talked with CT about what happened last Thursday but I'm still not sure all this therapy is worth it.  She said it's hard for her to listen to me beat myself up and she is sorry she snapped at me especially while talking about a very sensitive subject.  I'm just not sure there is a therapist out there who can deal with me.  Maybe there isn't any person out there that can deal with me. 

I have three more days of my program left...unless my insurance extends it again.  I'm okay with leaving it now though.  I've met a lot of great people there, all of them more normal than my regular, "non crazy" friends.  One friend and I are supposed to go play laser tag tomorrow.  I've never played laser tag so I'm kind of excited.  Last Friday this same friend and I went to this place where you buy some ceramic pottery and paint it.  My friend painted this really beautiful and intricate mug.  I painted a robins egg blue and white toadstool.  Not exactly amazing, but whatever.  It was a new experience and I had a pretty good time.  

My yard is starting to look pretty cute.  I found a free purple door and I cut it in half and added $3 legs on it and turned it into a table.  I also got free chairs and spray pained them turquoise.  It's colorful and it was almost free.  I really love having an outside space.  I spend more time outside in my tiny yard with my dogs than I do inside.  I love having a garden.  I have so many plants and flowers now.  People just keep giving them to me.  I'm not sure why, but I'm not complaining. Plants make me happy.

I traded someone on this saltwater fish forum my 29 gallon fish tank for their 12 gallon fish tank.  I love my fish tank, but the other one was just too big for my apartment.  This tank fits in a little corner of my kitchen counter.  I've got a bunch of rocks, hermit craps, and snails in there and one solitary little tiny fish who I suspect is a murderer cuz whatever fish I put in there always disappear.  All my corals died when I was too depressed to take care of my tank like I should.  I won't be able to get anymore corals for a while because they are super expensive and I'm super broke, unless someone wants to trade live rock for them.  That would be cool.  I'm not sure where I'm going with this post.  I feel really scattered, and a little too up and down, and ADD today for some reason.  Maybe it's the drastic level changes in my meds from 100 percent to 0 and now 100 again.

On a good note, I had a pretty good day today with lots of fun and laughing and everything.  I played scattagories with my group and it was really funny because everyone took it so seriously and kept arguing about if Spam really counted as meat.  I also made a few incites during my relapse recovery group.  I was asked why I want to stop cutting myself and I said without thinking, "Because I've had enough pain in my life.  I don't need to inflict it on myself."  Omg.  Where did that come from?  "I'm so happy to hear you say that," said the therapist.  Me too.