Thursday, September 29, 2011

Adulthood and growing up in foster care

I believe everyone is just a child in a grown up body.  The older I get the more I have come to realize that the magical maturity I expected to come with being an adult just doesn't exist--at least not in anyone I know.  If normal people feel this way when they grow up, what do you think it's like for foster kids when they grow up?  There should be an extra one of these cartoons about childhood for foster children.  What separates most people from former foster kids is that we never learned how to be kids.  Childhood is about learning to trust, problem solve, have proper boundaries, socialize, love and feel loved, learning how to get your needs met, learning to progressively feel safer in the world until you can manage it independently.  Childhood exists so people can learn about the world slowly and safely with some love, security, support and encouragement from people who know a little bit about life.  Childhood is about practice for adulthood with parents being the coaches and the cheerleaders.  Most of us former foster kids never learned how to thrive and grow up.  All of our energy went into basic survival.  If an infant doesn't receive the love and attention it needs from caregivers that infant will "fail the thrive."  The same thing happens with older children, it's just less physically obvious.  A seedling will not grow if it doesn't get it's basic needs met.  Neither will people.  In order to grow up you have to start out as a child and be nurtured along the way.  Foster kids don't get to be children.  As a result we age out into a scary alien world alone.  Our bodies just got older, but we never got to grow up--not really.  We don't grow up.  We age out. 

Too many kitty videos not enough time

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I want to change so fucking badly

I had my DBT therapy today.  Maybe that's the trigger to my current emotional state.  I am lost and frustrated, and sad, and disappointed.  Dr. K just doesn't seem to get it.  She apologized for being two minutes late to day.  I don't know why but that made me feel like she was patronizing me.  I try to joke around with her but she never gets it.  She talks so much and so fast, I'm not sure she ever really hears what I've asked.  Today I asked her to explain "Wise mind" to me and how I'm supposed to practice it.  I get that it's where the rational and emotional mind intersect, but that doesn't tell me how to "practice" wise mind.  I asked Dr. K and she seemed delighted by the question.  She's always praising me for really minimal things, which I also find a little patronizing.  She ran to her desk, grabbed her little paperback workbook on DBT and read to me, very quickly, all these little Marsha Linehan quotes about "wise mind."  That was all great and poetic and nice, but it's also just a bunch of pretty words.  I let the question go because her constant high strung, mousey energy is exhausting.  She speaks much faster than I process.  While doing a mindfulness meditation she said my wise mind is in the deepest breathes in my body, so being the facetious person that I am, I asked "So my wise mind is in my diaphragm?"  She praised me for such a good question and explained to me how my wise mind is not in my diaphragm.  She doesn't get my dark/sarcastic sense of humor I guess.  I feel like she really has no idea what to do with me so she's always jumping around, really anxious about our sessions.  

I've been feeling pretty good lately.  I'm not jumping up and down with joy or anything, but I've been feeling...more stable I guess.  I seem to be slipping back into the darkness lately.  I can go from being totally okay one minute and totally devastated the next.  It's like whenever I feel good my mind starts searching for things to feel bad about.  One minute I'm pretty content, the next I wish I wasn't alive.

I started this blog as my outlet, to write about all the things I can't speak about.  As a place to put all my misery and pain for whoever wants to read it.  I've done a lot of dumb ass things with this blog.  This blog has been a roller coaster of it's own.  I've gotten a lot of attention from certain posts, a lot of negative attention by other posts.  I've gained a lot of readers and lost a lot of readers.  I've been way too raw too many times.  I've been way too dramatic at times.  I just don't know where the boundaries are in blogging, just like I don't know where they are in life and relationships.  People (readers and non readers) keep telling me I have a choice in all of this.  A choice in how I feel.  That it is all up to me--that all I have to do is change but no one tells me how.  I'm doing everything I know how to do to change.  Hours and hours and hours of therapy.  My own online research.  I've read self help books.  I'm blogging (the benefit of this is debatable according to my therapists).  I'm taking some powerful and dangerous medications.  I'm taking vitamins for mental health.  I'm researching diets for mental health.  I'm trying everything I know how to do. 

I've had a lot of readers email and post comments loaded with so much feeling directed at me.  Some are very sweet.  Some are very religious.  Some are a need to save me.  Some are angry.  Some are full of pity.  Some readers feel like I really need a lot of "tough love," whatever that really means.  I have kind, supportive readers so why do I constantly remember the ones that say things that hurt?  I shouldn't care what some stranger on the internet thinks about me.  It shouldn't matter what they say.  But I do and it does.  I document my worse and best into this little box.  So really, this blog is a lot of who I am on the inside--the part of me that nobody in my real life (anymore) gets to see.  Maybe that's why it's so painful.  This is me without a shield or filter.  I often don't even edit these posts.  I just post them as they are, typos and all.  This is me at my most vulnerable so it a bit scary when those parts of me trigger such powerful feelings in others.  I don't want to be the cause of anger.  I don't want to be the cause or the outlet for negative feelings.

There are a lot of failed relationships in my life and I am the common denominator in all these cases.  It's not a nice thing to say about myself.  It's something people don't want me to believe, but it's true.  And I want to change.  How?  I'm trying so freaking hard but it just doesn't seem to be working, or at least, not fast enough.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Bad dreams and the dog beach

I talked to CT about my dreams and what Dr. K said I should do and then that lead me to open up about some dreams that I'm so ashamed of.  I couldn't look at her.  I kept my eyes directed at my hands the entire time until I something snapped.  I lost complete sense of present reality and time and had a full sensory flashback.  Like a nightmare but I was completely awake.  It was scary and so embarrassing.  I left as soon as I knew what happened.  She is gone this coming week so I won't see her again for a while. I'm kind of glad about that.

This weekend I hung out with my friend Stacey from the partial program.  We saw the Dolphin Tale movie.  I liked it except for the constant "family is forever" theme in the movie.  It made me feel bad every time they said it.  Other than that, I liked the cute cheesy movie about a real life dolphin with a prosthetic tail!

Today we spent the entire day at the Huntington Beach Dog Beach.  It was so much fun and I am so sunburned despite my copious applications of sunscreen.

Scout frolicking in the water

Thirsty Scout

my friend Stacey gracefully throwing the ball for Cooper

Happy Scout
This almost never happens

Monday, September 19, 2011

Spiders, therapists, and supervisors

Weird day.  Good day?  Stressful day?  I'm not sure which one.  It wasn't a bad day--more like an interestingly challenging one.  I woke up with a miracle--a good nights sleep.  I actually slept, and not just that, I slept for more than a couple of hours.  I dreamed of "Angry Birds" and jello.  Hmmm...  I think I might be playing Angry Birds a little too much, and apparently my subconscious wants jello.  I'll have to look into that.  I do like jello as long as it's not yellow or green

While rummaging through my unpacked box of bathroom stuff, I found my jar of amazing coconut oil salt scrub that I got for Xmas.  I thought I accidentally threw it away.  I went to grab for it and grabbed a huuuuuuuge spider instead.  I freaked out.  The spider freaked out.  I calmed down--just an orb weaver.  The spider calmed down and sat in my hand.  Almost cute.  With my hand an arms length in front of me, I walked the giant spider towards the door.  I watched her, she watched me.  I put my hand in my pot of flowers and she climbed on.  I returned to the bathroom and took a coconutty shower.  I feel good, but anxious.  Anxious about my day.  I practiced "thought stopping" and "staying in the moment" from dbt.  I didn't really help but something did.  Maybe it was the coconut oil.  I swear this stuff was made by some kind of ancient deity.

I left the house rested, relaxed and smelling so delicious I wanted to lick my arm.  I settled for sniffing it.  I stepped outside and my little spider friend was still where I left her, weaving a web.  She's cute.  Maybe I'll keep her and name her and feed her flies.

I had to go talk to my old supervisor to sort some things out.  My job might come back, but not until January and I needed to talk about my medical leave and the problems with that.  I really wanted to make sure that I'd get a good recommendation for whatever future job I might get and if I might be rehired.  She told me I had gotten some really negative feedback from the last two schools I was at before I went on medical leave.  I was really worried about all of that.  The really bad review was that I was too quiet.  I'm not sure how that's a negative review since my job is to observe.  My supervisor really wasn't concerned about it, so I'm not sure why she made it such a big deal on the phone.  She said that I will be rehired if I want my job in January and she will still give me a very strong reference if I find a new job.  It was very stressful and awkward at first but we ended the meeting talking and playing games on my phone.

After my meeting I had therapy with Dr. K.  She called around nine last night to ask me to come later to make sure she wouldn't be late for my session.  I really appreciated that.  She actually opened the door early.  She's either a mind reader or one of my blog.  The session was actually okay which just confuses me.  We talked and it wasn't about dbt.  I mean there were aspects of dbt in the suggestions she made to me but it wasn't a tribute session to the practice or anything.  I'm not sure how I can "radically accept" my past without judgement.  I don't know how to radically accept that I never got a family or that I was never adopted and let go of my longing for things I can't have.  It sounds great but I'm not sure how that's possible.  We talked about staying in the moment which sounds kind of stupid when she talked about washing the dishes and only thinking about washing the dishes, but when she gives me real life examples, it doesn't sound as stupid.

We talked about my intense nightmares.  I have memory nightmares but I also have a lot of really gruesome disturbing nightmares where I brutally murder people I care about.  They are really intense and really freaking disturbing.  Why does my mind think about these things?  What is wrong with me?  Anyway, Dr. K told me when I wake up from these kinds of dreams I should get up, go to the bathroom, get something to drink, and try to calm down before I go back to bed.  When I go back to bed I should imagine myself doing good things to whoever I hurt in my dreams.  I should change the dream I guess.  It sounds really simplistic but I'm willing to try it.  She wants to try this "riding the wave" treatment that takes six weeks with me if I want.  Do I want?  Not sure.

Now excuse me while I go watch "Too Cute Puppies."

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Having 2 therapists kinda sucks

I've been out of the partial hospitalization program for a little over a week.  This week went pretty well.  I had a lot of fun last weekend with friends from the program.  I also went to a couple of farmers markets with friends over the weekend and again on Tuesday.  We also had friends over to see our new place on Wednesday.  I have been trying to keep busy and be social although that seems to be getting harder for me.

I've seen a dbt therapist a few times this past month.  I'm supposed to see her and my current therapist for a few months and then switch over to the dbt program.  I thought I was supposed to learn about dbt with this therapist but instead all we have done is talk about the possibility of starting dbt.  She even broke out her computer and made me watch a PowerPoint presentation she put together. Twice.  She has told me about her credentials and education every single session.  Last week I was upset because she kept pushing me to leave my current therapist and start the dbt group next week.  This was supposed to be a slower process in which I learn about dbt and grow to trust the new therapist, but that's not what it's been at all.  Instead my sessions with Dr. K have been all about how wonderful DBT and the creator Marsha something are and all Dr. K's experience in her field.  I really want to say, "Hey Dr. K, I really don't care how many degrees you've got."

Last week I said, "I thought I was supposed to start doing dbt with you.  I thought you were supposed to teach me dbt but instead we are just talking about it.  You can talk about math all you want but you'll never learn how do it unless you practice and work on problems."  The way she looked at me after I said that made me feel kind of stupid.  Our chemistry just doesn't mix well I guess.  She's a nice enough woman, I just don't feel comfortable with her.  She's also been extremely late to every single session which really bothers me.  I was about to leave after waiting 20 minutes on Monday when she opened the door.  I understand that things happen and it's hard to judge traffic in LA, but her reasons for being late suck.  She has always just been hanging out in her office.  Once it was because she put a chair in front of the little signal light and didn't notice I had turned it on and once it was because she forgot what time the session was supposed to start.  We haven't done very much dbt at all, but based on our interactions, and the handouts and articles she's made me read, I find DBT kind of patronizing and dismissive of my feelings, but maybe that's just Dr. K.  I'm not sure if DBT is for me, but my only option is Dr. K if I want the treatment. 

Dr. K keeps asking me what I'm working on with my other therapist, what our goals are.  Her tone bothers me when she asks, but it is a fair question, and it alarms me that I can't answer it.  I called CT (although I guess "current therapist" isn't a very good name anymore) and left a voicemail.  I was very upset about not knowing what we are working on in therapy and how I know that it/she is helping me?  How do I know if psycho-dynamic therapy is the right kind of therapy for me?  How do I know if DBT is the right kind of therapy for me?  Maybe I'm supposed to get some other brand of therapy.  This was basically my topic for therapy on Wednesday.  CT said we could talk about goals and treatment if I wanted to but we never did.  I talked about Dr. K and how upset I am over the whole situation.

I said that I'm ready to drop all therapy because the therapies are becoming more stressful than I can handle.  We talked about that and my frustrations for most of the session.  I had a very difficult time in the session, not because of what we were talking about but because of the thoughts and images I was fighting in my head.  It was kind of like trying to study with the TV on.  You know you need to study, to pay attention to the words in your book, but you keep getting drawn into the TV.  I kept fighting to pay attention to CT, to stay focused and present.  I lost.  My brain won.  It attacked me with images and sounds and feelings.  When it was over I said,"I feel so crazy," and put my hands over my face and began to sob for a very brief moment.  I pulled my hands down thinking I could regulate and keep it together but broke down even harder.  I pulled my shirt over my face and sobbed.  CT thought I was crying about something about having two therapists, but all I really heard was that she was using her softer tone of voice.  "I can't even talk about therapy without being pulled away to places I don't want to go."  I continued to cry.  "Did you have a flashback?"  I didn't answer.  "Did you get pulled to something that happened in the past?"  I shook my head yes.  "Thank you so much for telling me.  We have to stop now but I really want to talk about this tomorrow.  Will I see you tomorrow?"  I was only able to shake my head and I got up and walked out of the room, through the exit door, into the stairwell and cried for I don't know how long.  I don't know where all those feelings came from.  I drove home, took a ton of klonopin and passed out.

Is there a therapy that can fix me?


Saturday, September 10, 2011

Feeling freaking amazing, stone ceremonies, and graduating

Today was my very last day at my partial program.  I have been in the program for a very long time.  The average stay is six weeks.  I've been there for five months.  While I'm nervous about not having a program full of structure and people to go to, I feel ready to try to manage on my own.

When people leave the program, or "graduate" there is a "stone ceremony."  The person that is leaving picks a stone from a basket and passes it around a room full of all the patients and staff.  Each person who has the stone says something about the person that is leaving, either wishing them luck, or something more.  I really did not want to have one.  I thought no one would want to say anything about me.  I was terrified of what people might say.  I was terrified of what people might not say.  I was terrified of the attention.

I picked out this discolored, imperfect little stone with dents, and scrapes and passed it to the person sitting on my right.  My anxiety was almost at it's boiling point of a panic attack, but I sat and listened to this patient named Ruby, someone who has been in and out of the program the whole time I've been there.  She said that she was glad she got to know me and that she hopes someday that I realize that I deserve to be happy and feel good about myself, then she passed it to the next person who said kind things to me.  It went on and one that way.  I was so amazed at how many meaningful, deep, sweet things people said to me.  My case coordinator said a lot of really sweet things too.  She said she's honored to have been my case coordinator (my social worker).  "I think you are just amazing and have come such a long way.  You are so resilient and so strong.  I hope someday you can see what we all see in you.  You are bright and articulate, and deserving of good things in life.  You are worth fighting for.  You also have such a beautiful smile that lights up the whole room and I'm so happy that we've gotten to see it more and more."  She said quite a lot more, but to be honest it was so much I tuned out a little bit.

One of the most touching things someone said to me was:  "You are a really quiet person and I think it takes a while for people to get to know you, but I have to say, it's worth the wait."  It came from such an unexpected person too.  I wanted to cry. 

I made a really good friend while in the program named Stacey.  Stacey graduated last week but she came back so she could be in my ceremony.  She said that for the first few months I was so quiet and withdrawn but she's happy she got to know me and become friends with me.  She said that I'm hilarious and witty.  She made this really beautiful box for me shaped like a little suitcase.  She said it was inspired by something I said in group when I first started to open up.  It was about always having to pack my stuff in trash bags.  She wrote in the box:  "To help carry you through... or a place to put all of your shit."  It's sweet and hilarious.  I love it.

So many other people said such amazing things.  One staff member said that she thinks I am beautiful, a talented artist and that she loves my dry sense of humor.  Another staff member said that he'd describe my sense of humor as dark, not dry and that for the first few months he really thought I was going sideways but that this last month I really seemed to be going up and getting better.  Other staff members said I really challenged them in "refreshing" ways and that I really kept them on their toes by always being honest and asking good questions that challenged them.  The recovery therapist gave me a chip for not cutting in 3 weeks and 5 days (something I'm proud of).  The nurse said, "I'm really going to miss your beautiful face and all your other parts too."  I burst out laughing and she said, "You can take that anyway you wish."  She really meant the non physical parts.  LOL

Other people commented on my art and my smile and my sense of humor and almost everyone mentioned that they hope that I can see that I am a good person worthy of love and happiness.  This woman named Maryanne said that she never told me but I'm the person she identifies with the most and that she really hopes we stay in touch.  She cried.  It was all so intense.  I really wanted to cry, partly because it's so hard to hear nice things about myself, partly because it was too much attention, and partly because I had no idea everyone had so many things to say about me.  I really expected people to just say good luck and pass the rock over.  When the stone ceremony was over I said, "When I first came here I was meek, scared, resistant and I just thought I wouldn't be able to relate to people here.  I wouldn't learn anything from this program.  But I made so many friends here that I wouldn't normally, I don't want to say in real life because this is real life but I made so many friends that I just wouldn't have outside of this place like a nun, middle aged men, Stacey (a joke).  And I did learn a lot.  I have so much more that I need to do, but I just want to say that I'm thankful this program is here because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be if it wasn't."  And then it was over.  20 minutes of intense attention and positive energy.  I was kind of high afterwords.

Other things that I'm feeling pretty good about are art projects and house projects I've been working on.  About 60 percent of the furniture in my house/apt has been built and designed by me (or inspired by things I've seen on TV or design websites).  I have been collecting free plants off craigslist and have accumulated so many plants in my yard.  I threw a bunch of grass seed on the ground and some if it is really growing fast.

I found a free purple door on craigslist.  Somehow I got it to fit in my tiny Honda and drove it home.  I tried to use it to put a doggy door in, but the door didn't fit the frame, so I cut the door in half and put some $3 legs on it and that's my outside table.  I also got free chairs and spray painted them.  The whole thing cost me like 12 dollars.  I painted a mushroom at a pottery painting place with Stacey and I put that in one of the potted plants.  I love my yard.  I spend so much time out there.  I love being outside surrounded by flowers and succulents and things I've made.

I also built this shelving unit which I'm kind of proud of.  I am really into modern design.  I made it with pipes and free wood planks which I stained.  Ignore the giant TV my GF's dad bought her.  I hate it, but she loves it.  Building furniture, planting flowers, and searching for free stuff I can manipulate is how I've been spending my time.

I've also been searching online for free mindfulness meditation groups on, as well as some more fun groups like board games, hiking, etc... 

Tonight ended with dinner at this amazing thai food place and a movie.  We saw "Our Idiot Brother" which I actually really liked.  It was cheesy and kind of predictable but I still really liked it and thought it was funny.  Tomorrow I'm supposed to go play laser tag with four or five people from group.  We didn't do it last weekend because it was so far away, but we're supposed to do it this weekend.  I hope it works out.  

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Brain damage in abused children.

This article and many more like them make me feel like I'm irreparably damaged. Damaged goods. It makes me wonder what all this medication and painful therapy is for. What's the point? No, really what is the point? One article says the damage is for life, so while I was being melodramatic before when I said that this is all there is for me in life, I was actually right.  I don't want to be forever broken. I can't feel this way for 70 more years.  I won't make it.  Part of me also wants to show this to everyone who has ever told me to just get over my childhood.  That I need to grow up, move on, and stop with all this mental illness and depression nonsense.  

McLean Researchers Document Brain Damage Linked to Child Abuse and Neglect

December 14, 2000 -- Belmont, MA -- McLean Hospital researchers have identified four types of brain abnormalities linked to child abuse and neglect, providing the first comprehensive review about the multiple ways in which abuse can damage the developing brain. In the Fall 2000 issue of Cerebrum, the researchers also review evidence that suggests this early damage to the developing brain may subsequently cause disorders like anxiety and depression in adulthood.

"The science shows that childhood maltreatment may produce changes in both brain function and structure," says Martin Teicher, MD, PhD, director of the Developmental Biopsychiatry Research Program at McLean, and author of the paper. Although a baby is born with almost all the brain cells (neurons) he will ever have, the brain continues to develop actively throughout childhood and adolescence. "A child's interactions with the outside environment causes connections to form between brain cells," Teicher explains. "Then these connections are pruned during puberty and adulthood. So whatever a child experiences, for good or bad, helps determine how his brain is wired."

The McLean team identifies four types of abnormalities caused by abuse and neglect. "These changes are permanent," says Teicher. "This is not something people can just get over and get on with their lives."
Limbic irritability: The limbic system is a network of brain cells sometimes called the "emotional brain." It controls many of the most fundamental emotions and drives important for survival. The McLean researchers found evidence that abuse may cause disturbances in electrical impulses as limbic nerve cells communicate, resulting in seizures or significant abnormalities on an EEG, a diagnostic test that measures brain waves. The researchers studied 253 adults who came to an outpatient mental health clinic for psychiatric assessment. A little more than half reported being physically and/or sexually abused as children. The researchers developed a checklist (the Limbic System Checklist-33 or LSCL-33) to determine how often the patients experienced symptoms similar to those that occur in patients with temporal lobe epilepsy. They found that patients who experienced abuse scored much higher suggesting an underlying disturbance in the limbic system. Follow-up studies of 115 children admitted to McLean were conducted to measure EEG disturbances. Patients with a history of abuse were twice as likely as non-abused patients to have an abnormal EEG. Interestingly, all of the extra EEG abnormalities affected the left hemisphere of the brain. EEG abnormalities were associated with more self-destructive behavior and more aggression.

Arrested development of the left hemisphere: The brain is divided into two hemispheres, with the left controlling language and the right responsible for visual-spatial ability, perception and expression of negative affect. In six separate studies and analyses, the smallest involving 20 people and the largest involving 115, the researchers reviewed medical records, conducted neuropsychological tests to measure left- and right-brain abilities, examined the results of MRI scans to provide pictures of the brain at work, and studied the results of sophisticated EEG coherence tests, which provided information on brain structure as well as function. These studies provide evidence of deficient development of the left brain hemisphere in abused patients, so that the right hemisphere may be more active than in healthy individuals. The researchers speculate that the left hemisphere deficits seen in abused patients may contribute to the development of depression and increase the risk of memory impairments.

Deficient integration between the left and right hemispheres: The corpus callosum is a major information pathway connecting the two hemispheres of the brain. The researchers reviewed MRI brain scans from 51 patients admitted to McLean's Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Program, and compared them to 97 MRIs of healthy children obtained from the National Institute of Mental Health. In abused children, the corpus callosum was smaller than in healthy children. After reviewing the medical records, the researchers found that neglect was associated with a 24 percent to 42 percent reduction in the size of various regions of the corpus callosum in boys, but sexual abuse had no effect. In girls, sexual abuse was associated with an 18 percent to 30 percent smaller size in the corpus callosum, but neglect had no effect. They also found that abused patients shifted degree of activity between their two hemispheres to a much greater extent than normal. They theorize that a smaller corpus callosum leads to less integration of the hemispheres. This in turn can result in dramatic shifts in mood or personality.

Increased vermal activity: The cerebellar vermis is a part of the brain that is involved in emotion, attention and the regulation of the limbic system. The McLean researchers used a new functional MRI technique known as T2 relaxometry, which provides information about blood flow to the brain during a resting state, to measure vermal activity in both abused and healthy individuals. Thirty-two adults participated, including 15 with a history of sexual or intense verbal childhood trauma but no physical trauma. The higher a participant's LSCL-33 score, the greater the degree of vermal activity or blood flow. The researchers theorize that the abused patients had higher vermal activity in order to quell electrical irritability within the limbic system. They hypothesize that the cerebellar vermis helps to maintain emotional balance, but that trauma may impair this ability.

After documenting these four types of brain abnormalities, the McLean researchers examined animal studies to determine how such damage might occur. Such studies show that neglect and trauma increase production of cortisol and decrease production of the thyroid hormone, which affect development of neurochemical and neurotransmitter receptors in the hippocampus, amygdala and locus coeruleus, parts of the brain that regulate fear and anxiety. Based on these studies, the McLean team theorizes that the stress caused by child abuse and neglect may also trigger the release of some hormones and neurotransmitters while inhibiting others, in effect remolding the brain so that the individual is "wired" to respond to a hostile environment.
"We know that an animal exposed to stress and neglect early in life develops a brain that is wired to experience fear, anxiety and stress," says Teicher. "We think the same is true of people."

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Facbook and Ironic statuses

So, I know it's totally not good for me, but I often stalk check my bio family and Maggie's facebook pages.  I can't help it.  I want to stop, but it's just too tempting.  I have a fake facebook page that I use to do it.  I discover all kinds of interesting things about them.  Like my bio mom plays farmville and other games ALL DAY.  I literally mean all day.  I think that's all she does in life right now.  Sad.  My bio brother has become really racist against white people.  I find this ironic since he is half black AND half white.  He calls white people the devil and white women pigs and it's all he posts about.  Weird but fascinating.  My other brother recently came back to the US from Egypt and within two weeks he went to jail for assault.  He broke his roommates nose over coffee mugs.  My sister still thinks that every song on the radio (including those that came out way before she was born) were stolen from her.  WTF is wrong with my genes? 

Today Maggie's status is:
"Remember, it's not always what you DO that hurts someone... a lot of the time it's what you DON'T DO that hurts the most!!"
Seriously?  OMG...  I just want to take a moment and thank Maggie for the things she DIDN'T DO and the things she DID do. 

Friday, September 2, 2011

Gardens, games, and therapy

DBT Diary card... I'm not a fan.  I feel like a little kid with a sticker chart only this chart reminds me of how crappy I feel all the time.  My DBT therapist has so far been late both times I've seen her.  I think it's really rude. She's not just one or two minutes late, she's like 15 or 20 minutes late.  Interestingly though I'm a lot more hurt when CT is a few minutes late.  She's never been more than five mins late, but she always ends on time and it hurts my feelings.  It makes me feel like the time she spends with me is too much for her so she's cutting corners.  It's really stupid and irrational, I know. 

Talked with CT about what happened last Thursday but I'm still not sure all this therapy is worth it.  She said it's hard for her to listen to me beat myself up and she is sorry she snapped at me especially while talking about a very sensitive subject.  I'm just not sure there is a therapist out there who can deal with me.  Maybe there isn't any person out there that can deal with me. 

I have three more days of my program left...unless my insurance extends it again.  I'm okay with leaving it now though.  I've met a lot of great people there, all of them more normal than my regular, "non crazy" friends.  One friend and I are supposed to go play laser tag tomorrow.  I've never played laser tag so I'm kind of excited.  Last Friday this same friend and I went to this place where you buy some ceramic pottery and paint it.  My friend painted this really beautiful and intricate mug.  I painted a robins egg blue and white toadstool.  Not exactly amazing, but whatever.  It was a new experience and I had a pretty good time.  

My yard is starting to look pretty cute.  I found a free purple door and I cut it in half and added $3 legs on it and turned it into a table.  I also got free chairs and spray pained them turquoise.  It's colorful and it was almost free.  I really love having an outside space.  I spend more time outside in my tiny yard with my dogs than I do inside.  I love having a garden.  I have so many plants and flowers now.  People just keep giving them to me.  I'm not sure why, but I'm not complaining. Plants make me happy.

I traded someone on this saltwater fish forum my 29 gallon fish tank for their 12 gallon fish tank.  I love my fish tank, but the other one was just too big for my apartment.  This tank fits in a little corner of my kitchen counter.  I've got a bunch of rocks, hermit craps, and snails in there and one solitary little tiny fish who I suspect is a murderer cuz whatever fish I put in there always disappear.  All my corals died when I was too depressed to take care of my tank like I should.  I won't be able to get anymore corals for a while because they are super expensive and I'm super broke, unless someone wants to trade live rock for them.  That would be cool.  I'm not sure where I'm going with this post.  I feel really scattered, and a little too up and down, and ADD today for some reason.  Maybe it's the drastic level changes in my meds from 100 percent to 0 and now 100 again.

On a good note, I had a pretty good day today with lots of fun and laughing and everything.  I played scattagories with my group and it was really funny because everyone took it so seriously and kept arguing about if Spam really counted as meat.  I also made a few incites during my relapse recovery group.  I was asked why I want to stop cutting myself and I said without thinking, "Because I've had enough pain in my life.  I don't need to inflict it on myself."  Omg.  Where did that come from?  "I'm so happy to hear you say that," said the therapist.  Me too.