Tuesday, August 30, 2011

learning to be tolerable

Comments have been disappearing from my blog lately so I have been going through a lot of them this past week and a half trying to get help with putting them back and I'll admit that I've been got caught up in a lot of old hurtful comments.  I'm curled up on my couch in my tiny 90sq ft living room, typing on my super old computer since the laptop I bought at the beginning of this year decided to die and leave me.  I'm feeling...well feeling like I always feel I guess.  I'm feeling a little raw and hurt.  Part of that is because I've been off my meds for two weeks and can't go back on until I see my doctor tomorrow.  I can't move too fast or I almost pass out and get these little dizzy kind of brain zaps, along with headaches.  Because I've had somewhat severe side effects to my meds when I first started taking them, I will have to go back on really slowly again.  I'm seriously stupid.  God, I wish I wasn't so crazy.  I don't want to take medication.  I don't want to need medication to survive being me.  I don't want to need medication to keep me from killing myself.  How messed up is that?  This is how much medication I need.  I need this much medication to be barely functional in life.  The red ones are for B12 anemia and the large pills in the bottom container are for my hormone issues, but the rest are all for my crazy.  That's not even including my sleeping pills and as needed anxiety pills.  I'm freaking nuts. 

Part of what triggered my desire to leave this blog was going over old comments.  It hurts when strangers attack you in a place you use to be open and honest with the world about the part of yourself you hide from everyone.  A place you go to stick your fingers on the keys and vomit up all the pain you have inside.  A place where you are vulnerable.  It hurts when someone you see being so supportive and helpful on other blogs is harsh, judgmental, and mean on yours.  I'm not just writing about one person, but several.  Why do people go to other blogs and offer such sweet words of support, but when they comment on my blogs it's always to tell me that I need to change, or that the common denominator in all my failed relationships is me?  Or that I am a liar?  Or that I am over dramatic?  I know this is just a stupid blog and people on the Internet have a tendency to be meaner than they are in real life.  That's not really the issue.  The issue is this seems to be a pattern in my life.  There is something about me that people just cannot tolerate, something that makes them lash out, and I don't know what it is in order to change it.  God, I would change it in half a heart beat. 

My biological mother singled me out from my siblings as a child, and still does it today.  On her facebook page she lists all her children except for me.  As a child she would tell me how much she hates me and wishes I was never born.  She's nuts.  I get it, but it doesn't change the fact that something about me really set her off when I was a child and still sets her off so much so that she feels the need to write me a hurtful email every once in a while.  

I went to a TON of schools as a kid.  I didn't make many friends in elementary school because I changed schools so much.  I went to seven high schools, but I only went to two middle schools, and one of them was only for a few months, so I was pretty much with the same kids in seventh and eighth grade.  I did have friends in middle school and I was always the girl people wanted to be partners with in school projects because I was "the smart girl" which really meant that they knew I would do all the work and get a good grade.  I had a core group of friends in middle school that I hung out with in classes or at lunch or in sports or orchestra or my other activities.  BUT there was a HUGE group of kids that just hated me and to this day I do not know why.  I wasn't loud or obnoxious.  I was pretty much the opposite.  I always looked at the floor when I walked in the halls, I always tried to stay out of people's way.  I let people cheat off my homework.  I helped people with their homework.  Still, I was hated, even by the kids who wanted to be in my group projects or help with homework.

In my group home, it wasn't so bad.  Most of the girls liked me.  Most of the staff liked me, or at least I thought so, but there were a few that went out of their way to be cruel to me.  A 300 lb girl in one of my group homes said she'd kick my ass if I got in the van on our way back from an outing when I was 13.  She beat me up once before so I was terrified she'd do it again.  I refused to get in the van and my group home left me at the park and called me in as a runaway.  I walked home by myself in the dark and got a paper arrest anyway.  Some girls would go through my things and break them just because they didn't like me.  Some staff didn't like me either.  One staff member locked me in the timeout room and kept shouting in front of the other kids that I was crazy and needed to be locked up because I had cut myself.  One staff member was fired because of how she treated me.  She would tell all the other kids that we couldn't do special, unapproved things because of me.  She said I would tell the staff leader and get them all in trouble.  I have no idea where that came from or why she hated me but she really did.

Tim hated me.  He freaking hated me.  He told me so with his words and his body.  And I don't know why.  I wanted him to be my daddy but he couldn't stand me.  Other foster fathers hated me as well.  One foster dad told me he couldn't wait until I left.  This was the same foster dad that said they were going to adopt me and that I was their daughter without conditions.  Foster parents always promised me forever, but as they grew to know me they changed their minds.  Why?  Please don't tell me it wasn't me, it was them.  The common denominator IS me.  I want to know what I am doing so wrong in life and relationships.  What is WRONG WITH ME?

My friend K promised me she'd never go away and that I was family.  She changed her mind after my suicide attempt.  I know a lot of my readers feel for K.  They saw her words as kind and hopeful, that she wanted to work things out.  Part of that is because I only selected and posted emails that I thought were fair representations of her.  I wanted to try to be fair and honest.  I knew the things she said in her emails were sugar coated or totally untrue.  I knew she was done along time ago, way before my suicide attempt, but I don't know why.  I hate photographs of myself.  I hate being on camera, but I made a video for them telling them I'm sorry for everything and taking blame for everything, even things that most people tell me are not (at least not totally) my fault.  She said she couldn't work it out right now.  I know the words "right now" give some hope for the future, but I know her and I know she has quite a few ex friends and she still feels angry about arguments from 20 years ago.  I know the words "right now" don't really add much hope for the future with her and I know that's not just me being dramatic.  She's done.  She's done with me.  She told me that I need to take responsibility for why people keep leaving me.  She said this after I made a video talking responsibility for everything and asking to work things out.  I thought that is what I was doing.  What is so intolerable about me that a five year relationship, helping someone have a baby, and continually being there for someone doesn't make a difference when times get tough and mending and change is needed in a relationship?

I know people are going to mention my girlfriend.  She loves me.  She's stuck it out through this really tough time and finding me during my suicide attempt.  That's very true.  I love her too.  But what people don't understand from this blog is that our relationship is not perfect.  We've discussed breaking up a few times and right now my girlfriend has put a hold on all big decisions until I'm stable, whenever that will be.  I have a great girlfriend who loves me very much, but I also have a girlfriend who might want to just be my friend in the future.  Our relationship has been pretty pretty smooth and easy because I and pretty independent and reserved.  I don't share all this crap I put on my blog with her.  I keep it to myself in real life.  I made a huge mistake when I let people from my real life read this blog.  I let people inside a part of me that was supposed to stay secret and hidden from the rest of the world.  I showed them the real me and they ran away.

This is not intended to be an "oh-poor-me" post.  I honestly would like to know why people don't like me.  Why people hate me.  Why people find me intolerable.  Why people leave me.  What is it about me that makes people want to lash out at me or be harsh with me?  What is it about me that makes people think I need a lot of "tough love?"  My whole life I've been getting lots of "tough."  I'd really like to know how I can get some of the love part someday.  People often tell me it's up to me to change.  That all I have to do is want to change and my life will be better, but no one ever tells me how or what to change.  What am I supposed to change?  How do I change it?  My whole life I've been molding and changing to what I think people will love.  My whole life I've failed.  I don't know how or what to change about me to keep people around.  How do I stop being so intolerable?  What do I need to change to stop living this way?  How do I stop being such an intolerable asshole and start being someone lovable?  How do I change so that people like me...and keep liking me in the future.  I don't seem to have a problem finding people to like me.  I just don't know how to maintain their affection.  No that's not even right.  I just don't know how to stop that little hate bubble with my name on it from growing in the hearts of people I love.