Monday, August 1, 2011

late night fatal attractions

It's 2AM and as usual, I'm awake.  I'm eating gummy bears as I watch this show on animal planet called "Fatal Attractions," about people who are obsessed with dangerous animals.  I love animals, but I'm not about to keep a lion in my backyard or live with a 1600 pound buffalo in my living room. He takes the buffalo to the bar with him and feeds him beer. He even cut off the top of his car so the buffalo can stand next to him in the car.  OMG.  That's insane.  I wonder what kind of gas mileage he gets.

I'd rather watch shows about crazy people than deal with my own crazy I guess.  This weekend I came across several unfinished projects meant for "my little man."  It was hard to see them and touch them.  I left them in the closet and avoided them like the plague until my thoughts were totally consumed by them.  I decided to finish the barn I made for the little man.  I couldn't bear the thought of throwing it away or keeping it.  I decided to finish it enough to make it presentable and give it to him.  I also found the cover I made for his isolate during his six month stay in the NICU.  I was supposed to turn it into a quilt for him, but I couldn't cut it up.  I put that in a box, along with some other projects and items I had borrowed from the little man's mom over the years.  I filled the box and drove it over to their house, making sure all the lights were off before I got out of my car and left it on their porch.  I included this note in the box:
"We moved and I realized I have a lot of unfinished projects for you.  I thought I'd give you the things you might actually want.  I love you.  I miss you.  I'm sorry I hurt you when I went crazy.  I'm still in the partial program working on getting better.  Take care of yourself.  -C (the seriously medicated)"
I realized on the drive there that this is the last thing I'll ever leave for them.  This is the last thing I'll ever give to him.  I cried...  and I drove...  and I parked...  and I cried some more.  I'm still not exactly sure what happened between us and I am coming to realize that this separation is permanent.  Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time.  The more time that passes, the more I realize that this is real.  I messed up another family again.  I drove people away again.  I got dumped again.  I'm never going to see the people I love again.  Every time I get dumped, I feel the pain and rejection from all the other times I've been dumped too.  So while I'm doing a pretty good job at pretending to be okay and keeping my feelings that scare other people to myself, I'm still really fighting to find a reason to keep going.  I'm still so lost.  I don't know where I am or how I'll ever get to where I need to be.

God, I just want a family.  That's all I want.  I just want someone to love me, be kind to me, and stick around.  I don't want money, fame, or power.  I just want to be loved and I've tried so hard to find it.  What is wrong with me that I am not able to have that?