My new computer that I bought at the beginning of this year and that I'm not even halfway finished paying off no longer works. I have no idea why but the hard drive died. My phone also hates me and has become possessed. It calls people, sends text messages, sends photos, sends emails, all by itself. It also turns on alarms, searches the internet, and all other crazy things all by itself. It's like possessed. If it weren't so frustrating, it'd be hilarious.
My girlfriend has been in Chicago for ten days. While in Chicago she saw my friend, her husband, and the little man at a museum. It was so random and bizarre even though D (my little mans father) is from Chicago. What are the chances they'd all be there and in the same museum at the same time? I wish she hadn't told me. I was having a really good day but my day ended with sobbing. Last time I saw the little man he couldn't walk, was only saying one or two word sentences and when my girlfriend saw him he was singing and running. And then in therapy my therapist was telling me about the times she will be gone for the rest of the year. Then she mentioned Thanksgiving and asked what I would be doing this year. It hadn't dawned on me that I wouldn't be with my friends this year. I'm going to be alone on Thanksgiving again. My days of having a family on Thanksgiving are over.
I have been doing a lot with friends from my program...going to dinner, movies, hanging out at home, going on walks, etc... I'm really trying hard to be more social and get out more so I don't spend all of my time at home alone. When with friends I'm always teasing and laughing and trying to make other people laugh. This blog is so melodramatic but in real life I'm the clown, but it gets so exhausting being the clown when you really wish you were dead. Anyway, I've been trying to be social, find a new job, join activities like yoga or classes. I'm thinking about picking my violin back up and taking some lessons.
My friends all have families and they all forget that I don't and end up making jokes that really hurt my feelings or asking me questions that I can't really answer. Sometimes they joke about adoption, like they used to tease their siblings that they were adopted. I don't know why but that really upset me. The other day someone was talking about how their family doesn't believe in adoption because "they don't take care of other people's mistakes." I wanted to cry.
I just don't want to do any of this anymore. I want to float around in a land of nothingness. No happiness, no loneliness, no pain. Just nothing. That's where I want to go.