Thursday, August 25, 2011

The land of nothing

My new computer that I bought at the beginning of this year and that I'm not even halfway finished paying off no longer works.  I have no idea why but the hard drive died.  My phone also hates me and has become possessed.  It calls people, sends text messages, sends photos, sends emails, all by itself.  It also turns on alarms, searches the internet, and all other crazy things all by itself.  It's like possessed.  If it weren't so frustrating, it'd be hilarious.

Today CT really hurt my feelings.  I started to talk about the man in the middle east and how much I hate myself for causing him pain and she cut me off and said she didn't want to argue with me because supposedly I know that she has a different perspective.  I didn't even finish my sentence and it's so hard for me to talk about the time I let a man be beat so badly...maybe even to death.  Her tone was harsh and her words were sharp.  Maybe most people have a thicker skin than me, but I'm huge pile of fragile trash.  I tried to leave early but she wouldn't let me.  She wanted to "talk" about the sudden change in my demeanor after she hurt my feelings.  I just wanted to leave, but I listened until the the clock hit the 50 minute mark and then I took off. 

I met with the new DBT therapist on Monday.  I have some real reservations about the regimented, formulaic, non flexible DBT treatment, but I went anyway.  She left me waiting for 12 minutes past our scheduled time.  I was really angry when her reason for being late was that she accidental put a chair in front of the little signal light in her office.  Why didn't she check the for the light knowing I was supposed to be there at 4:30?  The session went "okay" but she couldn't answer my questions.  I asked if you just radically accept everything as neither good or bad, as you're supposed to in DBT, then how do you have an opinion on anything?  She said that was a good question but then said that the opinion was neither bad or good.  WTF?  That's not even a logical answer.  She also brought up how if you're in bad traffic and someone cuts you off, its better to just realize that everyone is doing the best they can in that moment.  I said that I think those aspects of CBT are not useful for bigger things in life.  She wanted an example.  I said rape.  Her response was that the rapist was doing the best they knew how to do in that moment in time--that even the law says thats the best they can do that's why there are registries for sex offenders.  That seriously pissed me off but I didn't say anything.  She kept telling me that the websites I was getting my information from were not good sources and were filled with misinformation and then at the end of the session she gave me a list of websites that I should check out.  The website that I mentioned was on that list.  WTF.

My girlfriend has been in Chicago for ten days.  While in Chicago she saw my friend, her husband, and the little man at a museum.  It was so random and bizarre even though D (my little mans father) is from Chicago.  What are the chances they'd all be there and in the same museum at the same time?  I wish she hadn't told me.  I was having a really good day but my day ended with sobbing.  Last time I saw the little man he couldn't walk, was only saying one or two word sentences and when my girlfriend saw him he was singing and running.  And then in therapy my therapist was telling me about the times she will be gone for the rest of the year.  Then she mentioned Thanksgiving and asked what I would be doing this year.  It hadn't dawned on me that I wouldn't be with my friends this year.  I'm going to be alone on Thanksgiving again.  My days of having a family on Thanksgiving are over.

I have been doing a lot with friends from my program...going to dinner, movies, hanging out at home, going on walks, etc...  I'm really trying hard to be more social and get out more so I don't spend all of my time at home alone.  When with friends I'm always teasing and laughing and trying to make other people laugh.  This blog is so melodramatic but in real life I'm the clown, but it gets so exhausting being the clown when you really wish you were dead.  Anyway, I've been trying to be social, find a new job, join activities like yoga or classes.  I'm thinking about picking my violin back up and taking some lessons.

My friends all have families and they all forget that I don't and end up making jokes that really hurt my feelings or asking me questions that I can't really answer.  Sometimes they joke about adoption, like they used to tease their siblings that they were adopted.  I don't know why but that really upset me.  The other day someone was talking about how their family doesn't believe in adoption because "they don't take care of other people's mistakes."  I wanted to cry.

I just don't want to do any of this anymore.  I want to float around in a land of nothingness.  No happiness, no loneliness, no pain.  Just nothing.  That's where I want to go.