Thursday, August 11, 2011

All I need is love

 The post inside is long and unedited.

I have been up all night thinking and drifting in and out of half-asleep half-awake dreaming.  I've had a lot of time to think and reflect about what's been going on in my life this last year.  I understand what my friend has said in her emails but I really don't think she's seeing things as they really happened.  To me it feels like she has been looking for a way out for a while and this current crisis is a good time for her to bring out everything that has ever happened that upset her in our relationship.  I made a video taking all the blame for what has happened because I'm willing to be at fault for the sake of the relationship, but they let me take all the blame but still won't accept my apology.  They are angry about the post I made quoting some of her emails saying she'd never leave and then talking about how she is leaving.  I'll admit it was a really freaking bad idea since I knew she read my blog.  I honestly didn't think what I wrote was hurtful.  Hell, I have no idea what I was thinking.  I was crazy and scared and hurt and just out of the psych hospital.  I recently reread these posts and I don't think they say anything against her, just that everyone eventually leaves me.  This was after she said she was done with me, so I'm confused on how that's the reason, it doesn't matter anymore.  Nothing matters anymore.

She said that my theme is everyone leaves and it's exhausting her.  She encourage me to write this blog.  She encouraged me to use it as a means to express myself and get out all my feelings.  This is the only place I talked about my feelings that everyone leaves.  She's using something she encourage me to do (right up to a few days before she said she was done with me) against me.  None of this is fair, but this is really not fair.  How can you encourage me and encourage me to do something that you will ultimately say is exhausting you without giving me any warning?

I took all the blame for what happened during the time the baby was in the NICU but really all I wanted was time.  I wanted to be a part of it.  That was my family member too and I was totally forgotten.  My needs were totally forgotten.  I dropped everything for them.  I even drove their cat aggressive dog five hours north because she couldn't stay at my house.  I did their laundry, I cleaned their house, I made them quilts and bought their dog food.  I drove them to the hospital at 2AM.  My friend was weird and mean and scary during this time because she was suffering from postpartum psychosis.  She went around the hospital telling all the nurses and doctors the history she knew of mine.  She made me talk to doctors because I was the genetic mother.  She made me fill her role when it was needed, but then when it wasn't needed she totally shut me out.  I never held any of that against her because she was bipolar and having a psychotic break.  She wasn't herself.   But everyone was always tiptoeing around her making sure she was okay and everything she needed was taken care of.  Don't get me wrong.  I realize she just lost a baby and her other child was barely hanging on.  I get that.  I get that she was hurting, but what she doesn't get is that this was my trauma too.  This was happening to me too except I had to pretend like it wasn't.  I didn't have people comforting me and trying to help me get through it.  I didn't have anyone asking me if I was okay.  I didn't get to see the baby.  The NICU didn't allow visitors except for family and I did not count as family.  They could have asked the social worker to make an exception for me but they didn't.  I don't think they wanted to.

When I was finally able to see the baby in the NICU, my friend kept poking me and poking me and poking me until eventually I began to cry.  She kept poking and saying things that hurt my feelings until she eventually kicked me out of the NICU.  I said, quietly because I'm pretty soft spoken, that I can't do this anymore, and left the NICU.  That whole thing was so hard on me too.  I just wanted to be a part of his life, especially since I didn't know if he was going to make it.  I already lost one family member that I didn't get to say goodbye to and I might lose another.  I wanted to get to know him before he was gone.  I wanted to get to know this child that was half of me before he was gone.  For some reason no one understood this.  At this time I had also discovered that the egg donation left me with hormone problems and infertility so I was hormonally and consequently emotionally abnormal and the need get to know my only genetic child was intense.  I didn't want to be his mother.  I didn't want to take anything away from her.  I just wanted to know him and be a part of his life like I was promised I would be.  That is all.  In my video I said that I should have just gone with the flow and realized everyone was hurting, but I don't really understand why what I did was wrong.  Why was it wrong for me to ask for what I needed too?  I know it was inconvenient to them for me to have needs at that time, but I was supposed to be family right?  Shouldn't my needs matter too?

I know she sees things differently but she she refuses to look back and realize that she sees things through a manic episode.  I don't know why she can't understand that this didn't only happen to her.  I know this was so hard on her.  I know that.  And I tried so hard to do everything she needed and wanted.  I bought her everything she asked for when she was in the psych hospital for a month.  I did these things even though I was unemployed and had very little money.  I did them because I loved her and I wanted her to be okay.  She doesn't remember any of the things that I did for her.  She says doesn't remember the things she did to everyone, even the seriously scary, cruel, and crazy things, but I know that can't really be true.  I went along with it anyway because I know she was going through a crisis.  She can't forgive me for asking for the things I needed.  She can't forgive me for being upset about being forgotten and left out when this was happening to me too.  She can't forgive me for learning about my hormone condition and infertility during this time.  This event lasted more than half a year since the baby was in the hospital for more than six months.  There was only so long I could pretend I was okay and didn't need to be a part of things before I couldn't take it anymore.  All I asked for was time with my family.  Time with the genetic child that might not make it.  I don't know why that was wrong.

During this time I also got upset about a blog post on the baby's father's website talking about all the women in the baby's family--"The important women" in the baby's life..  He included every female family member in the baby's life except for me.  I understand why today, but what they refuse to understand is that this was such a hard time for me.  I was left out of everything and this was my family member.  My REAL family member that I didn't get to see, who was possibly dying or going to be severely brain damaged.  I wrote this letter:

I hope you, K, CM and L are all doing well.

I just want to say that I loved your blog. The women in your family are beautiful. I love seeing your lineage and all the red hair in your family tree. It must be so amazing to belong to such a long list of relatives and rich family history.

I am also very sure you didn't intend to hurt my feelings, however I must add that you are wrong on the number of aunts your son has. He has at least three if you go on biology alone, and four if you include amazing people like Joy.


Also this:
I don't want any special acknowledgment or explanation of what I am to him or anything like that. I really don't. I just want to be included in the numbers and it kind of hurt my feelings that I wasn't thought of as an important woman in his life. I don't want you to feel like you need to walk on eggshells but it kind of did hurt to not be thought of. Honestly, the thing that hurt my feelings was the "two aunts" part. Oh well. I'll get over it.

I have posted these here because she brings them up a lot.  She says these were angry emails.  I don't remember ever feeling angry about it.  Just hurt.  But they keep referencing this "incident" when it was really only two facebook emails.  I don't understand.  I wasn't angry.  I was sad and hurting and feeling so left out.  Maybe they were angry.  I don't know.

Since the baby left the hospital and turned out to be a beautiful, perfect, smart little boy I was included in his life on occasion.  I realize that people get busy and it's hard to make time, but there would be months that I wouldn't see them.  Months of development I was missing.  I wasn't asking for tons of time.  I just wanted to see him at least a couple times a month.  Was that too much?  I used to see my friend more than that before there was ever any eggs or babies.  I asked for time.  My friend made time but now I know she felt really put out by it.  She felt like I was asking too much, but never told me.

I know that my depression was hard on them, but most of it was from my blog.  I didn't really express much of it except for my blog.  I felt like I could be honest with her and told her how I felt a couple of times.  She understood.  She is bipolar so she understands what it's like to be depressed.  When I first decided to go to the hospital because my thoughts of suicide were really intense, she went to the ER with me.  She was amazing.  She sat there with me for 7 hours.  I told her how amazing she was too.  I came out of the hospital after five days without any medication changes, new therapy, or anything I needed and so I wasn't any better.  My thoughts were still intense.  I couldn't cope with the flashbacks, intense insomnia and the nightmares.  I couldn't cope with the depression and the thought that life was never going to get better for me.  I just couldn't cope, so a month after my first hospitalization I took every sleeping pill and sedative in the house.  I just wanted to sleep.  I wanted to sleep and never wake up.

I don't remember any of it but she came to the hospital at 4AM to be with me and she also came quite often to visit me in the hospital they sent me to, about an hour away.  During this time, my girlfriend and my friend would often drive together.  They talked about me and shared details about me with each other.  Both of them went too far in this and shared things that I shared in confidence.  Both of them really hurt me by this.  I have a vague memory of calling my friend from the hospital asking her why she would break my confidence in a HUGE way.  I was angry and I was sad.  We talked about it and by the end of it, I was feeling a little bit better about it.  Was it wrong for me to tell my friend that she hurt me?  I think she thinks it was.

Since I left the hospital she totally pulled away.  I felt it.  My girlfriend felt it.  I panicked.  I called her and asked to see her and the baby and she said that she was doing the best she could.  I didn't understand how she couldn't find an hour to go get coffee with me in a month.  Without prompting she promised me in that phone call that she wasn't going anywhere, that she would be in my life for the rest of her life.  That was in the middle of April.  Something happened between that date and the end of April that changed her mind and I really don't know what it was.  She wrote me a few emails that were hurtful, and then she stood me up on our scheduled day to "talk."  I WAS angry and this time I DID write an angry email.  One angry email, which I later apologized for saying that I did that and if I hurt her feelings.  When she told me she was done, I was really sad.  I took quotes from my favorite letters of her and posted them on my blog.  I also put quotes from the emails saying she didn't want to be in my life anymore and put them on my blog.  I also scanned a letter she wrote to me, and posted it on my blog.  All of these things I regret and I took all of them down within a day.

I know I did things wrong in our relationship.  I know I added stress to their time during the NICU trauma, but I just don't understand how asking for what I needed was wrong.  I really don't.  Maybe I didn't do it in the right way?  I don't know.  I'm just so sad that I was able to look past the things that have hurt me in our relationship.  I was able to talk about them and be done with them.  They talked about them and still held on to them.  They are angry with me for things that I didn't really know I was doing.  She would joke about how much the baby looks like me.  She even told me that she hopes the babies look like me before they were born.  She joked about it so I thought it was okay to joke about it.  Besides everyone thinks she's my mom in public anyway.  We look alike, so the baby looks like her too.  I don't know why she didn't tell me.

I don't understand why my mental state wasn't taken into consideration after I left the hospital and when I stupidly put up those letters.  Why do she her crazy episodes get to be excused but mine seriously count against me?  I did those things after she said she was done with me, so I'm also so confused by that too.  How can the things you tell me are the reasons you're leaving be the things I did after you said you were leaving?  I don't understand.  Yes I did things wrong.  I fuck up a lot in my life, but I never intentionally set out to be hurtful.  I feel so hurt by some of the things I feel she intentionally did to hurt me.  She told me that my suicide attempt was not the right way to get attention from her.  My suicide attempt had nothing to do with her and making it about her totally devalues what I am going through.  She told me that she only wanted me to be part of her family as a "big fuck you to infertility!"  OMG.  Ouch isn't a big enough word.  Her latest email in which she said that I need to look at my actions and take responsibility for everyone leaving in my life was cruel.  She wrote other things and prefaced them by saying "I know this is cruel but.."  If you know it's cruel, why would you say it to me?  Stating that you know it's cruel doesn't make it any less cruel.  And it was cruel.  And I don't understand why.

I am just so lost.  I don't really understand the whole situation.  I really don't understand what I did to deserve to be abandoned and prevented from being in the baby's life after two years of falling in love with him.  I honestly don't know what I did that's so bad that my apologies won't be accepted.  I don't know what is so wrong with me that it's so easy to leave me.  I'm not just saying that as a way to feel sorry for myself.  I truly do not understand.  What do I keep doing wrong?  I've done it my whole life and I really don't understand.  I really truly don't.  God, I don't know how to keep doing this.  I don't know how to keep loving people when all it does it tear me apart.  I've let people do horrible things to me throughout my life with the hope that they would love me and keep me.  I've gone out of my way to do things for other people.  I give them gifts, I make them things, I do things for them.  I give them my time.  I give them me.  I ruin my health and body for them.  I give them my eggs.  I just don't know what else I'm suppose to do.  What am I supposed to do to be loved and kept?  What am I supposed to do?  What am I supposed to do to matter to people?  Why don't I matter to people?  How am I supposed to matter to me if I don't matter to anyone else?  Most people have people who love them for merely existing.  I have never had that.  I have people who hate me for merely existing.  WHY?  Why do people keep going away despite how much I try to keep them around?  Most people dream of success, fame, money, being someone important in the world.  My biggest dream has always been to be part of a family.  That's it.  That's the only thing I want,no-- NEED in life, and it's the only thing I can't have.  Seriously, WHY?  God, someone please explain it to me.