Monday, July 11, 2011

Why can't I deal with things like a grown up?

not my car
Last week someone left an anti gay note on my windshield and smashed house light bulbs all over my car.  I don't know why.  I don't know why so many of my Orthodox Jewish neighbors hate me.  I don't know what I did/do to them.  Instead of being calm and rational about the whole thing.  I went upstairs into my apartment, locked my door, went to bed, and called in sick to my program because I was too scared to be outside.  I stayed in bed all day and cried.  And then I got another note on my car today but this was just a guy asking if I wanted to sell my car.  I still freaked out. 

Tonight I was taking my dogs on their nighttime walk at 10pm when a gray haired man approached me quite quickly.  My heart started pounding, I started sweating, and was starting to have a hard time breathing.  At first he was yelling at me about dog feces on the lawn of his apartment building but I don't know why because my dogs didn't poop and I always carry rolls of little purple, biodegradable, lavender scented bags to clean up after my dogs.  He started yelling at me louder, I'm not sure if it was about the same thing or something else.  I pretty much just froze.  All I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears.  I remained silent and then started to walk away, slowly at first, then as fast as I could without actually running.  He followed me down the block, still yelling at me.  I began to feel dizzy.  I was shaky, and I couldn't hear very much.  Then I started going places in my head I don't want to go.  I dropped Cooper's leash and he ran up to the man and barked at him.  He does that to a lot of men at night.  I left my dog and kept walking.  Luckily Cooper followed me home.  Now I'm sitting in my apartment, shaking, sweaty, and barely able to breathe.  I think my blood sugar dropped (I have hypoglycemia) and I drank a glucose shot, but I don't feel better yet.  Why can't I deal with things like a grown up?  Instead I abandoned my dog and ran away and freaked out like a little girl.  I just left my dog.  What if he ran into the street or the man did something to him?  I'm a crazy wimp and a freak.  What is wrong with me?