Tuesday, July 19, 2011

im not really sure what to call this...overly emotional crap i guess

I've been moving and feeling overwhelmed with it all. I wish I was able to just go with it like I used to be. I feel so weak emotionally these days. I literally couldn't focus on anything this whole weekend. I lost my keys a million times and they were always on the hook. I lost my phone, my wallet, my car, my computer, my mind. My gf would talk to me and I would hear her and not process what she said until she said it like ten times.

I'm feeling pretty sad today. I don't know it its the moving, the lack of sleep, the physical labor, or just being sad. I'm just really missing people today and wish I could call and tell them to come check out my new place with a yard. I just don't know why its so easy to get rid of me.

Allowing people from my real life to read my blog was a huge mistake. Calling people from my real life when I was in the hospital for trying to kill myself was a huge mistake. Actually believing I found a family was a huge mistake. I'm just not capable of being in a family. Families don't want me. My girlfriend wants me but not families. I'm just not the type that a mother can love.

I don't know if blogging is so good for me either. The negative comments are hard to take no matter how I try to handle them. I feel a little rejected when my readers go away. I want to be totally honest and open but then I worry that I sound too whiney or full of self pity. I thought writing this blog would help me to better understand myself. Some people tell me its good for me and some people tell me its a bad idea.

Its been so long and I still feel so...heavy and crazy. I'm starting to think I won't ever get better. I used to so strong and never cried and now it seems like I'm always crying. I didn't hear back from the one clinic I was trying to get into so I guess they don't want me there. My therapist said she wouldn't treat me unless I went to DBT so I guess I don't have a therapist anymore either.

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