Friday, July 15, 2011

celebrating her terminated parental rights (TPR)

A woman reappeared in my group therapy program today.  She's the one who had her son removed by CPS.  She came back to group because yesterday she was TPRed and she was "having violent thoughts about hurting a lot of people" so she came back to partial "so she didn't do anything stupid."  It's hard for me to sit in group with her for a lot of reasons.  She is constantly interrupting the therapist and giving advice to other patients when it's not really appropriate.  When someone interjects while she's talking, she will literally put her hand up and make this very loud grunting kind of shushing sound.  Basically I find her annoying and I'm pretty tolerant of many different personalities.  I was the group home kid that always got stuck with the roommates no one else liked, but it didn't bother me too much.  I'm sure her situation effects my feelings toward her though.

She talks about foster care a lot, but like my mom, she is always the "victim of the system."  She talks about how the social workers and judges are all out to get her and make her life impossible.  She never talks about what is best for her son or even how he is doing.  Everything is ALWAYS about her.  Just like my bio mom.  She kept talking about how her son's foster parents, if they adopt him, are going to change his name.  I understand how that might be hurtful to her, but she named her kid something extremely ridiculous.  I would change his name too. 

Today she would not stop talking about her TPR.  She hijacked every group that she was in and talked about foster care, social workers, TPR, foster parents and how they've all gone out of their way to be mean and hurtful to her and how they all make her angry.  These group therapy sessions are not really like therapy.  They are more like classes where the therapist teaches you skills.  Sometimes we talk about personal stuff and give advice and support but that's not what most groups are like.  Hearing her talk about her son and foster care is really really hard for me.  I know it's not about me, but something about her really reminds me of my mom.  It's even harder for me when the group gives her so much sympathy and support.  I just want to scream "HELLO, THEY AREN'T GIVING HER SON BACK TO HER FOR A REASON!  HE WAS TAKEN AWAY FOR A REASON!!  I have to quietly leave group when I can't handle it anymore.

During CBT group she said she was thinking about the fact that she wouldn't get her son back and how she now sees the whole thing differently.  "Now I don't have to worry about changing diapers, going to doctors appointment, waking up early, feeding him, or any of that kind of stuff.  I can just let them take care of all that.  Let them go through the terrible twos and all that mess.  I'm free to do whatever I want to do.  I can sleep in as late as I want to.  I can eat what I want to.  I can go out if I want to.  I can have sex with whoever I want to.  I've been looking at this all wrong.  Now I have the opportunity to just take care of myself."  I burst into tears and couldn't stop.  I left the group and went to the bathroom where I cried.  I cut myself but I wasn't careful enough and it was bleeding a lot. Wads of paper towels weren't stopping it and soon the majority of my pant leg was covered in blood.  My care coordinator (my social worker) kind of freaked out and made me see the nurse.  The nurse said I might need stitches if it doesn't stop bleeding soon.  I had to call my girlfriend to bring me a pair of pants and it stopped bleeding.  I am so upset that this woman is relieved and happy that her son is no longer hers.  Is that how my mom felt when I was taken away?  I think it probably is.  Was my mom happy that I wasn't hers anymore?  Did my mom celebrate too?