Overwhelmed. That's the only word I can think of to describe myself right now. I'm overwhelmed with life. I just wish I could get a break every now and then. I'm stressed out with money, insurance, moving, finding a job. I'm supposed to be getting short term disability but for some reason that hasn't happened yet and I applied in March. I just learned that I won't be able to get unemployment because I am on medical leave, which means I have no way to pay for my Cobra insurance, which will cost over $500 a month. My girlfriend has been helping me out a lot, but we cannot survive on just what she makes. I've been finding it difficult to do much else but lay in bed and space out.
My girlfriend and I are moving to this tiny little cottage with a really huge yard. The yard is what sold us. The thought of laying in a hammock with my laptop every night sold me. The only problem is the house itself is about 425 square feet. We will literally have a "bed" room. One room is only slightly larger than our bed, so we have decided to make it a little nest cubby. The other bedroom will be our living room and the front room area off the kitchen will be our dinning room. I'm slightly scared and excited about all the creative projects I have ahead of me.
I gave my brain to Dr. Patrick last week. He really is so hilarious. He liked it and pointed out all the areas of the brain where I have trouble. I'm really going to miss him when he leaves next week. I have therapy tomorrow but I wanted to write about my therapy session last week too. I'm happy that I was able to talk to my therapist about how she treated me when I was pretty fragile.
I arrived 4 minutes late to my session winded from running up the stairs. I pushed the button next to my therapist's name and tried to catch my breath before she opened the door. The door opened and greeted me with a smile and short and chirpy, "Hi, come on back." I walk through the hallway, my flip-flops flopping loudly, entered the office, and sat down on the sofa with a flop. My therapist quietly giggles as she sits down.
CT: I'm just laughing at the way you walked in here.
Me: What do you mean?
CT: You walked in confident and bouncy like 'yeah, I know this place. Lets get started.' It was cute.
I shrugged my shoulders but I smiled. I liked that she was amused by me and thought I was cute. We grew awkwardly quiet. I crossed my legs and tap my extremely cute crisscross strappy flip-flops that I got on at REI in December against the heel of my foot.
CT: Your feet need some sun.
Me: I know. I don't wear flip-flips that often.
CT: You like to keep your feet protected huh?
Me: No, I just think they make a lot of noise.
CT: They do make a lot of noise.
Me: I don't like making that much noise as I walk.
CT: You like to be able to sneak up on people huh?
We both laugh.
Me: I never thought about it. I guess I do. I just don't like to make that much flip flop noise.
CT: I like the noise. I don't think I have any flipflops right now.
Me: I've seen you wear flip-flops.
CT: Those aren't really flip-flops.
Me: They are like leather flip flops.
CT: Yeah, but they just don't feel the same.
Me: They have insufficient flop?
CT: (laughs). Yeah.
We grew quiet again.
CT told me that RH, my care coordinator at the program, called her and that they talked about how I wanted to quit the program last week, but decided to stay. She told her about Dr. Patrick leaving the program and I was upset about that. We talk about Dr. Patrick and being bounced around the mental health system like I was bounced around the foster care system and how much that sucks for me. We talked about the mindfulness DBT program that starts in August and how she thinks that will be good for me but they only take 8 patients a year.
After a lot of pregnant pauses and awkward silences I brought up how I feel about how CT handled things before and after I went to the hospital. I told her that I am upset about the things she said and did when I was obviously in a very fragile place. I told her that now that I'm more removed from the situation and someone more important in my life has left me, I don't really care if she leaves me or not and I'm angry that someone who was supposed to be there for me, someone who was supposed to be supportive and emotionally available treated me the way she did.
Me: I was just out of the ER, only hours after trying to kill myself. I obviously wasn't very capable of being rational, and who knows how many drugs were still in my system when you said you couldn't hold my spot for me while I was in the hospital.
CT: You felt abandoned.
Me: You did abandon me! I needed someone someone warm and secure and you weren't that at all. I get that part of our relationship is financial for you, but you made it all about finances when you said that.
CT: You didn't feel very cared about.
Me: When you said that you made it all about money and that really sucks. I'm not stupid, I get that seeing me is your job, but I would hope that my therapist cared about me too. I was obviously very fragile and you said and did things that made me feel like you didn't care about me.
CT: I did.
Me: I don't remember very much about those three days after I took the pills, but I do remember that one part of our conversation. I'm sure we talked about about other things too.
CT: We did talk about other things, but that is your experience so lets talk about it.
Me: And then you put me in limbo, a place I've spent most of my life. I thought a therapist was supposed to be a safe and secure base and I don't feel very safe or secure with you anymore. It took a really long time for me to trust you and now I don't trust you anymore. How do I know you're not going to drop me when things get hard again? How am I going to trust that you can handle the things I have to deal with?
CT: It sucks that the way I handled things has made you feel that way.
Me: I was scared to go to the hospital the first time and you promised me that you would come visit me to make me feel better about going, but then you didn't come. I know I ended up going to a hospital in Pasadena, but it's not like it was a 100 miles away.
CT: You must have felt really disappointed.
Me: I felt more than disappointed. I'm not angry that you didn't come visit me. I'm angry that you said you were going to come visit me and then didn't. That really sucks. I would never do that to a client or tell them I couldn't hold their spot for them right after they tried to kill themselves.
We talked more about the phone calls and her actions and what I thought I needed. I told her that I wish she had been more warm and gentle with me. She asked me if she is warm and gentle enough with me normally. I said sometimes she's not. I talked about how I'm really worried that she leave me and run away next time there is a crisis. It said that I feel like this was a learning experience for her, but it was at my expense.
Me: I guess I feel like sometimes you are unnecessarily cold.
CT: Is there a good amount of cold to be?
Me: I guess cold isn't the right word. Maybe I mean combative. Like when I wanted you to tell me if you wanted to be my therapist or not before I went to the hospital and you refused to answer.
CT: I think I was trying to analyze the behavior and you were wanting a specific answer and so we kept clashing.
Me: Sometimes we get in these weird kind of battles of wills.
CT: We do.
Me: I think we would fight a lot if we were friends.
I told her that I don't want a new therapist. I don't want to start over. I just don't know if I can trust her anymore.
CT: There must be some trust. You keep coming here.
Me: I mean, I trust you enough to sit in front of you and tell you jokes and I trust you enough to tell you that I'm angry with you.
CT: But you don't trust me to be there for you when you need me.
Me: Yeah. It took me a really like time to trust you and feel safe with you and now I don't feel very safe anymore. I wish you had handled things better.
CT: I wish I had handled things better too.
I have therapy again tomorrow after my program from 9-12 and then therapy at 3. I've been downgraded to the intensive outpatient program again because of my insurance. It's not a huge deal but I'm kind of scared to have more free time right now when I feel so overwhelmed with life.