Thursday, June 30, 2011

Running out of the room screaming

Today my therapist and I sat in silence for nearly twenty minutes before we started to talk.  I talked about how I can't manage to keep anyone around, not even paid professionals.  She remarked that she's still around and that launched us into talking about how the things she did and said really hurt my feelings and still hurts my feelings.  I'm sure she's tired of talking about it, but I'm still really sad about it.  It takes quite a lot for me to trust someone and I trusted her.  I trusted her to be there for me when I was struggling and she kind of rejected and abandoned me for a short while, and then left me in limbo for a longer while.  I wanted to know what has changed.  Why is she "not going anywhere" now when before she wasn't sure she could be my therapist?  She said, "because you want me to be."  She doesn't know what has changed.  That freaks me out.  If she doesn't know what's changed how am I supposed to know if and when she might freak out again?  How do I get over the things she did?  How do I stop feeling hurt by her telling me, in a pretty harsh dismissive tone, "I can't hold your spot for you," right after I tried to kill myself and while I was begging her not to drop me as a client?  Maybe I'm just being a baby.  Maybe I'm not remembering things correctly because I was so drugged up and in that space of three days without much memory.  Maybe I'm just too sensitive, but I can't seem to let it go.  I don't remember what I did after that phone call because I don't remember much during that time.  I know I wasn't eating and I spent all of my time in bed. 

We were sitting awkwardly silent in my therapy session when I suddenly and unexpectedly burst into tears.  My therapist's voice became soft as she tried to comfort me.  She said, "I know it must be so hard to come here and talk about this when you feel so hurt and unsure especially when you aren't sure if things can be fixed between us."  I just let my hair fall in my face and continued to cry.  I only managed to squeak, "I even freak out and drive away professionals." 

My therapist loves analogies, but her analogies never quite fit the situation.  She always laughs and says "go with it."  She launched into this long drawn out analogy about a patient who goes to see a doctor and the doctor opens the patient up and then doesn't know what to do with the patient so he closes them up.  I said, "No, it's like the surgeon opened up the patient, looked inside, and then ran out of the room screaming leaving the patient open on the table."  Because really that's what she did.  She poked and pushed me toward places I was scared to go and once I opened up and showed her who I really am.  Once I became totally vulnerable and exposed, she took off running, and wanted some other professional to figure me out.  No one can deal with me.  Not even professionals.

Immediately after therapy today I had one of three intake sessions with the Borderline Mentalization clinic.  I am full of apprehension about this program.  The first one being I do not have Borderline personality disorder.  While I do meet some of the criteria, those criteria also fit many other disorders, including PTSD.  Dr. Patrick says I do not have Borderline personality disorder.  I don't not agree with the things I've read about it, nor do I want to be associated with it.  Anyway, the intake session was difficult and it was video taped!  That was beyond uncomfortable.  There were two doctors and the room and they asked me all kinds of difficult, personal, invasive questions and put it on video tape.  They promised to delete the tapes after the rest of the team was able to view them.  I felt extremely anxious, like on the verge of a panic attack.  This session is one of three to decide if they want to work with me or not.  If I get into this program I have to stop seeing all outside therapists and doctors and commit to the program for a year.  This first session (I keep having the urge to call it an interview) was difficult and full of hard questions.  I wanted to run out of the room screaming.  I fought back tears quite a few times as I tried to ignore the camera pointed at me and  answer their questions.  I'm terrified of what the next two will be like.