Saturday, June 25, 2011

I want a mom who never goes away

I have a tendency to be way overly dramatic.  I am aware of that.  Although this is a more recent development in my personality, and not a good one.  I used to not have such big feelings, or many feelings really.  I used to be good at controlling what I felt and how much I felt.  I was good at not feeling.  I used to be good at life, at least on the outside.  Right now I feel crazy.  Like really crazy.  I don't know why I have the couple of people in my life that I do.  I mean, I wouldn't want to be my friend or part of my family, so how can I expect anyone else to?  Everyone keeps telling me it's not my fault that I was shuffled around my whole life.  42 placements in 18 years.  CPS would literally take us away for a couple of weeks and then give us back for a couple of months, only to take us away for a couple of weeks...  I always say that this happened at least 12 times, but the truth is I don't really know how many times it happened.  A lot.  More than I can count.  Out of all of those 42 placements, more than half were foster homes, and more than half of those were foster to adopt homes.  Those people became foster parents to adopt an older child.  They became my parents for whatever reason, promised to be around forever, no matter what happens, and then changed their minds.  I could understand if I were a kid that acted out a lot, but I wasn't.  I was a hardworking meek kid who was extremely eager to please.  I'm not saying I didn't have my problems because I did.  I sleep walked, I screamed in my sleep, I didn't eat, I had panic attacks, I either cried nonstop or I didn't cry at all, and I stopped talking when I got stressed.  I also wet the bed until I was pretty old, like 12 (or sadly maybe even a little older).  A lot of foster parents couldn't handle those issues, especially the muteness.  They thought I was being stubborn but the reality is that I was crazy.  I couldn't speak.  I don't know what was wrong with me.  Anyway the point is I don't mean to imply that I was a perfect child because I was far from it.  I just wanted so badly to be whatever I thought my foster parents wanted me to be.  I just wanted someone to want me.  Keep me.  Love me.  I tried desperately to be lovable.  A quarter of a century has passed since I first entered foster care and I am laying here typing on my computer about how much I still yearn for someone to want me, keep me, love me.  I realize my bio mom is totally crazy and therefore I shouldn't really listen to anything she says, but she's right when she says,
"YOUR SISTER AND BROTHER TOLD ME THAT YOU ARE IN THE HOSPITAL. GOOD. I'M GLAD BECAUSE YOU NEED HELP. I'VE NOWN YOU WERE CRAZY FOR A LONG TIME.  NORMAL GIRLS DON'T RUIN MARRIAGES AT SUCH EARLY AGES.  NOBODY CAN STAY IN YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU DO NOTHING BUT SUCK EVERYTHING OUT OF PEOPLE LIKE A VILE VAMPIRE.  THAT'S WHY NO ONE CAN LOVE YOU FOR LONG. "

She's brutal but at least she's honest.  She's right.  I do seem to suck the life out of everyone and eventually make them run away and never look back.  Even on the internet I seem to make people run for the hills.  I'm not good at people.  At least not with people I have to interact with on more than a superficial level.  I'm so worried about saying the wrong thing or screwing something up or offending someone.  I always have to force myself to go out with friends, even people I've been friends with for along time.  Obviously they wouldn't want to hang out with me if they didn't like me...at least I hope that's the case, but I'm still extremely worried about doing or saying the wrong thing.  I worry about what they are thinking and fucking things up like I always do.  It's exhausting being in my head.

My mother is right.  There is something wrong with me.  How is it possible to have had so many chances at family and be rejected every time?  Therapists and doctors think I need to believe that none of that is my fault, but I know it's my fault and I want to fix whatever the problem is so it won't happen anymore.  Just simple statistics and math should tell people that the problem lies in me and not my foster parents or other people who have promised me family and then changed their minds.  I am the problem. I know I am the problem so why are so many people trying to convince me I'm not?  Why can't therapists and doctors tell me what the problem is so that I can fix it?  Is it even fixable?  Am I fixable?  I so desperately want to be lovable.  I don't want to be an emotional vampire.  I don't want to hurt other people.  I don't want to drive other people away.  I don't want to live like this anymore.  When I was a child I thought that everything would get better when I grew up.  I would be in charge and call all the shots.  I would find my mom and my siblings we would be a family again.  Everything would be okay.  I would be okay.  Then I grew up and aged out and found my mom and my siblings and they don't want me either.  My brother posted on my sister's facebook page "lol good we dont want her to turn out like her older sister."  They are all felons and drug addicts, except for my youngest half sibling who got adopted pretty much at birth.  The point is even felons and drug addicts don't want me!  So how do I fix me?  I thought I would grow up and not feel like this anymore but I do and this time I feel it without the hope of relief.  I don't want to feel like a foster kid anymore.  I don't want to be that little girl looking for a home anymore but here I am in my twenties still crying about how much I want a mommy.