Tuesday, May 17, 2011

music, cars, and colors

I feel pretty good today.  I got up this morning, took a shower and then got a call from my group program saying there was a problem with my insurance so I couldn't come in today.  I don't think it's a big deal, they just have to figure some things out before I can go back since I've switched from intensive outpatient to partial hospitalization.  I was happy to go back to bed because I didn't sleep well last night.  My girlfriend says I had bad dreams but I don't remember them.  What I do remember is laying in the dark with a purring cat on my chest, listening to the rain and watching the shadows dance across my bedroom window for a few hours last night.  It was peaceful.  After the phone call, I didn't sleep, but I cuddled with my dogs in my bed until about noon before we got up and went for a walk.  The weather was great; cool; breezy.  Everything felt so clean and new.  After I walked my dogs, I decided to walk to Starbucks.  I got my usual tall soy misto, thanked the extremely eccentric barista dressed in a tie and fedora hat and leisurely walked toward my apartment.  My misto was perfect with tons of warm fluffy foam that made it super creamy and slightly sweet.

My actual coffee and bench :-)
Suddenly I heard this amazing sound of a cello.  I thought someone was practicing in their apartment.  I kept looking for the source of the beautiful noise before I realized that it was coming from my pocket.  My cell phone had turned on Pandora radio and it was on the classical station I love.  I used to play the violin and I started to learn the cello before I quit music altogether.  The cello is my favorite instrument.  The sad deep tones move me-- inspire me.  So I sat on a broken wooden bench under a large maple tree, moved by the cello music and the cool moist breeze against my face and drank my coffee.  I thought about the music and how much I used to love to play.  Then I realized that I feel good today, like actually good.  I haven't felt good in a very long time.

I didn't think about the things I usually dwell on all day long like I have been for months.  I had one panic attack this morning triggered by a head rush and nearly blacking out because of the nightmare drug which is also a drug used to treat high blood pressure.  I don't have high blood pressure, so when I stood up too quickly I almost blacked out and had extremely loud ringing in my ears.  The attack was short lived and mild though.  My hives aren't any better with the antibiotics so Dr. Patrick thinks it's an allergic reaction to the nightmare drug.  I have to stop taking it.  I wonder what that means for my mental health, but maybe it'll be a good thing.

I am excited about the prospect of maybe getting a new car since Toyota is willing to give us the very same deal we had before plus refund us for the warranties we bought for the other car.  That means overall we lost very little money because of the accident and don't have to pay anything out of pocket.  I have no money in my pocket since I haven't worked since February and a ton of medical bills coming in.  I wish we could just pay off the old car and use the rest of the money for bills, but for some reason it doesn't work that way.  We lose less money by getting another car.  I have no idea why.  I'd rather pay bills, but still the idea of getting a new car is exciting.  What color should we get?  Should we get the same model?  It's more fun to think about these things than ruminate on my wounds.

When my coffee cup was empty I decided to go back upstairs and clean up my apartment.  My bookcase collapsed last week and I've just left the broken case and pile of books where they landed.  My apartment looks like a hurricane passed through it because I have not had any motivation to do anything but lay in bed these last few months.  I was going to clean since I am feeling pretty good today but the giant pile of books felt overwhelming and I didn't want to waste my good day cleaning.  I decided to ink one of my drawings and listen to music instead.  I don't usually work with markers, I usually just pencil sketch, but I'm feeling kind of colorful today.  I took one of my favorite pencil sketches and copied it with my printer and then inked the copy because I was afraid of ruining the original.  I think it came out pretty good.  I prefer the pencil version, but I like that it's a little different from my normal colorless work.

I hope today means things are going to get better for me.  I hope my life starts to get a little easier for me