Saturday, May 14, 2011

Loser

When I was a little girl no one wanted me because I was too big. I was too old.  All of my siblings got families really fast, but I stayed at the children's shelter and temporary foster homes always wishing that one of them would keep me.  I moved over and over agan because people just didn't want me.

When I was 8 years old I found a good family.  The dad really seemed to like me a lot and the mom called me her daughter and told me she loved me.  Later the dad got violent and raped me at night but I kept quiet because I wanted a family more than I wanted my safety.  He also told me I'd be sent to live with crazy people if I told anyone and he was right, I was.  Maggie didn't want me because she chose her husband over me.

My bio mother blames me for everything in her life.  My bio father knew I existed but didn't care.  He has a daughter older than me and one younger than me that he stayed around for but not me.  He did not want me.

Foster family after foster family just didn't want me.  They all said they did at first but the first time there was a little bit of tension I was out.  Group homes kids didn't like me because I got straight A's and spend all my time at school.  I worked so hard at school because it was my only way to cope with my life.

Every foster parent that promised forever--that promised adoption always changed their minds.

I get that I am a fucking loser in life.  I deserve nothing.  I deserve to die.  Everyone in my life would better off if I were dead.  My genetic child is probaby better off forgetting me.  I'm better off being infertile now so I can't start my own family even if I wanted to.  I'd be a horrible mother.  I'm a horrible mother.  A horrible friend.  A horrible girlfriend.  No one wants me and I KNOW WHY.  I know that I'm a fucked up loser that has way too many problems to deal with life.

I get through life right now by taking nyquil, ambien, and klonopin and sleeping it off when I'm not in the day program which is really just filled with other crazy people who dont give a crap about me.  I hate myself.  I hate everything about myself.  I wish I was dead.  I realize I am the problem in my life.  I am not the victim, I am the cause of all of the shit I've lived through.  I did nothing to stop any of it.  I did nothing to help myself.  I'm not pretending that I am a victim in life.  I know that I am not.  I'm a fucked loser that deserves to die.

I should just fucked forget about all of it.  I bring nothing but crap into the world.  I bring nothing but destruction and pain into the lives of people who get tangled with mine.  I just need to end this some how.  I need to end it all.  I need to disappear.  I need to go away.  The world would be a much better place without me.  I mean, why would ANYONE want to love me.  Look at me!  Really look at what a fucked up loser I am.  I don't even like me and I stuck inside this vile body and mind.  If the world had any mercy whatsoever, I wouldn't exist, or Id' die some violent painful death so that I can feel all the pain I bring people in this world.  I'm so tired and I'm so read to die.  I just want to disappear.