Sunday, May 15, 2011

I'm just a girl fighting to survive

I don't know what it is about me that makes people hate me so much, but please, if you have the urge to leave mean comments or emails, please just move on.  I'm seriously not strong enough.  I started this blog as an outlet for my feelings not to start a debate about my life.  I appreciate all the caring supportive readers, I really do, but please if you don't want to be witness to my pain and drama, please just don't read it.  I am not my blog.  I am a real human being with feelings and a life beyond what I write about.  I'm sensitive and struggling and your mean comments hurt more than I think you know.  I post my most vulnerable self here and I appreciate constructive comments, but it feels like some people only come here to call me names and tell me what a horrible person I am.

Dear C,
You do not know me and I do not know you.  I'm not sure we've ever had a conversation.  The only thing I know of you is we read a couple of the same blogs.  You don't know know what I have or have not been through.  You do not know what my work life is like.  You do not know what I can and cannot been fired for.  You do not know that my work is a teeny tiny nonprofit organization with only 6 people that work there.  I am employed by a big university, but the nonprofit pays my paycheck.  Therefore, I have been laid off for undue hardship on the company because of my medical leave.  My supervisor was going to terminate me but she can't because I could take them to court for it so they have laid me off for undue hardship on the company which is legal. 

I have been in K's place, where a friend of mine became more and more and more needy.  i finally had to start cutting them out a bit, because i was not capable of giving what they were demanding.  As soon as she caught on, she 'attempted' suicide.  (In May's case she barely scratched her wrists, there was not even any blood.).  I believe what she did was for attention, because there was no actual threat of her loosing her life.  And she got her wish...  She phoned at 4:30 AM, told me that she attempted suicide and asked me to drive her to the hospital, and i was there... Do I believe there was real pain and needyness behind the 'attempt'?  You bet!!!  But do I believe the attempt was - at some level - a way of her saying that I was not giving her what she wanted from me?  You bet.

I realise your attempt was an actual attempt.  But I can understand K's point of view - that your expectations of her just may not have been possible for her to perform...

I also believe you truly wanted to die - thus the attempt.  It was not a way for you to manipulate K, but she might have viewed it that way because she already felt like she had failed you.

I know you feel like they 'dropped' you, but is it possible that they were just really, really busy with a new baby?  That they did not realise how much effort and sleep a baby would take, and did not have the extra energy to invest into the relationship with you?

Have you ever noticed that a new couple often 'isolates' themselves a bit?  They see their other friends a little less than they used to?

Or that married couple start to spend more time at home, with each other, when before they might have both been party animals?

I KNOW they promised that you would be family.  Is it possible that they MEANT to  be there more than they were actually able to be in the end?

I had to continue to cut May out because she really did head towards that cycle of "You need to be there for me whenever I want, or I will make a suicide attempt'.  that realtionship isn't healthy for her, or for myself.

If you change your perspective, maybe you can salvage some of the relationships in your life.  I think you may be misinterpreting several people's interactions because of your horrible past.  I see that other commenters have offered the same suggestion.  Perhaps we are not all wrong?

DONT TAKE OFFENCE - because nothing I wrote was intended that way.  Really.  Take the good and leave the bad.

Dear C, I am not your friend and you are not K.  You cannot know what either of us is going through.  I did not fake a suicide attempt, nor did I call my friend for help when I did it.  I wanted to do it.  I really want to die.  I really wish I didn't exist.  I really wish I wasn't born.  I went through a lot for K and her family.  K told me she was my family but when it really mattered she told me she could not find time for me and abandoned me.  You cannot know the whole story based on two emails that I've posted here.  I understand that you feel a connection to K or a resentment towards me, but you do cannot understand what it's like to go do something so huge for someone with the idea that you would finally be part of a family, paying a huge price for this medically and emotionally and then being abandoned the ONE time you need this person to be your family.  We made this 2 year old baby together.  I want to be a part of his life like I was intended to be.  They are not too busy with a brand new baby, they are just too busy for me.  I was totally there for her when she had a mental breakdown and bipolar episode in which she was peeing in the floor in front of people, washing out urns for the twin that died.  When she was completely insane and mean and just scary.  I didn't give up on her.  I was there more than I needed to be.  I was there for her however I was needed.  I dropped everything for them.  All I wanted was the woman who called herself my "unofficial mom" to have coffee with me and be there for me when I'm really suffering.  She said no and she did in fact abandon me.  She refused calls and emails, and therapy.  I would not treat my worse enemy the way these people have treated me these last two months.  I really wouldn't. 

Some people keep saying that I have the power to change my life. Of course I know this.  What do you think I'm doing the partial program for?  What do you think I'm taking medication for?  What do you think I'm blogging for?  I'm doing EVERYTHING I can to change my life.  What else am I supposed to do?  I am faking it.  I get up and go to the program.  I participate even though it's so hard for me.  I go to therapy, I take so much medication even though I hate medication.  I'm even taking a medication that can cause a fatal rash in the hopes that it will help me because I want to change.  I'm really trying so it really hurts when the only thing people have to say is that it's my fault I am suffering so much.  I wouldn't choose this for myself. 

II don't believe your sanity was only affected by you having a child.  You choose to do it - and there were negative consquences that suck.  But I believe that any child that went through what you did is going to suffer psychologically.  So you can't just blame having a child for someone else (I recognise that it had MAJOR adverse effects/hormones etc etc).  You will never be able to have a good relationship with her if you harbour this resentment.  You have stated in your blog that you were struggling before this event.  You have a mental health history.  So while I agree that things have probably gotten worse because of your 'gift of life', it is not fair to single it out as the main cause.

Or course I chose to do it.  Do you know what is involved in egg donation?  I pumped my body full of very powerful hormones, three times a day, for eleven days.  I currently have a hormone disorder which does affect my mental health.  Yes, I was struggling before the egg donation, but I did not need medication or this much help until afterwards.  My ovaries do not work anymore.  All of my hormones are too high or too low all the time which makes it hard to regulate everything in my body including my mental health.  I do not harbor resentment at the family for my medical problems.  I harbor resentment for the way they are treating me since getting the child they wanted from me.  I've never singled it out as a main cause.

There are a LOT of broken relationships in your life.  Your Mom is a nut case, so you can hold no responciblity there...  But it does seems like, at present, the common demonimator of all these failed relationships is you - why is that?
I have never once ever said the problem wasn't me.  I have always said I am the problem.  I have always said people don't want me.  I have always said I am the common denominator.  I was a fucked up kid.  I'm a fucked up adult.  I know that I'm the reason no one adopted me.  I know I'm the reason people keep leaving.  I realize this.  I'm a piece of shit who deserves to die.  My life is a mistake.  I am a complete waste of space.  My life has absolutely no value.  Do you think its possible to be kicked out of foster home after foster home and not know this?  My own mother hates me.  My own mother wants me dead.  Family after family gets rid of me.  Once people get to know me they don't want me.  I've known this since I was 8 years old, so you don't have to tell me.  I know.

I have never lashed out at my readers.  I just write how I feel.  My blog is about my life, my therapy, and what it's like to survive foster care. Basically it's what my life is like and it's so hard to put yourself out here like this and have so many harsh comments.  I don't know why people never like me.  I honestly don't.  In real life I'm extremely quiet, reserved and shy.  With my friends I'm able to loosen up and then I become the class clown, but that's also so I don't have to be too close to people.  Writing this blog is hard for me but I do it because it's something I need to do.  I do it because I want a better life.  I do it because I want people to see just how fucked up foster care is.  I do it because I want people to see just how fucked up foster care leaves those who age out.  I do it because I'm tired and need help and I'm doing everything I can to help me survive because I don't think I'm going to survive very much longer.  I don't know why people don't like me.  I don't know why I bring out so much anger in people.  I've done it my whole life, but please go easy on me because I'm really struggling and I'm really sensitive.  Please try to understand.  I'm just a girl fighting to survive.  I'm just a girl fighting for her life.