Saturday, May 14, 2011

I'm done.

I'm really freaking done with life.  I'm not even sad anymore, I'm must angry.  I'm fucking pissed off that my life is such a fucking mess.  My relationship with my gf is no more.  My relationship with the people that I gave my mental health, health, and fertility to so they could have a baby is no more.  My car is a complete loss.  My medical bills are huge.  I lost my job.  My bio dad's wife died today which is very sad, but I'm expected to do something for my bio dad when he's never been there for me.  I don't even know the guy.  I didn't even hear his voice until one year ago and even then he's NEVER been interested in me and who I am. 

K responded with this letter:
Dear Campbell, Please hear this: My intention has never been to abandon you!  From the very first, I just said I needed some time and I hear your explanation of what that brought up for you, but I am not a higher being, just an easily wounded cancerian who cannot reach out to someone who's lashing out.  A lot has happened and very fast.  I'm so relieved you reached out now in such a calm, loving way.  What I want to do now is take some time (about a week or so) and write you a long email with my thoughts about everything that has happened and my thoughts about our relationship from the beginning and my plans for a healthy, new and improved relationship to come.  What I want is for you to take this email to your therapist and process all the feelings that come up around what I say.  Because I truly believe that right now, when we are both still so raw, one hour is not going to do much good and I fear it may lead to angry words and a big setback.  I'm
 going to put everything down in am email and I'm asking you not to respond to the email, but work through whatever your initial reactions might be with your therapist.  Then, when you both think you're ready for me to come in and talk, I would be happy to.  Again, dear Campbell, this is not about me trying to abandon you.  I need time to think and to look at myself and to see what my part in all this has been.  And I need you to take time, too.  I really believe if we take things slowly now this incredibly hard time can end up being a really good thing for our relationship that jolts us both out of the paths that led here.  I LOVE YOU.  K

It sounds good right?  But I KNOW her letter is going to be all about what I did wrong and how it hurt her and nothing about what she did wrong.  I'm fucking sick and tired of everything being on HER terms.  I don't care what she says.  I tried to kill myself and really needed her to be there for me and she wasn't.  she DID abandon me.  She basically made me beg her to write me back and I don't want to do it anymore.  You do not treat someone who pumped her body full of hormones that ruined her mental health, and her health, and her fertility so that you can have a baby the way she has treated me.  I'm tired of the relationship being all about K and K's needs.  I'm tired of my life being full of selfish people who use me.  I"m fucking tired of life and I don't want to be here anymore.  I really don't want to be here anymore.  THere is no fucking purpose to my existence except to have people use me.  No one REALLY cares about me.  It's all about what I can do for them.  I'm sick of it.  I"m sick of me.  I'm sick of life.

I seem to have two emotions lately, complete and utter sadness and rage.  Neither of which I can tolerate and I'm just freaking done with all of this.