Sunday, May 15, 2011

i just want out

I really wish I was dead.  I really wish I could disappear.  I really wish I was ashes that could be scattered someplace beautiful. 

People make lots of assumptions about me and make them harshly.

I was told the egg donation was 100 percent safe.  I did not ask for money nor did I receive any.  The procedure was not safe as I now have life threatening health conditions that require expensive medication and lifelong treatment as well as my own infertility.  My ovaries have remained to be the size of oranges when they should be about the size of an almond.

The hormone problems are also when my major psysiological health problems became unbearable.  Yes, I've always had depression, and PTSD, but never to this level, not as an adult anyway.  I have up a lot for a family that I thought was going to be my family and the minute they got what they wanted from me, our relationship began to change.  Instead of being treated like family, I was treated like that friend you invite because you have to invite to places but no one really likes.  That sort of thing.  As soon as they got those embryos from my our time together totally dropped.  I saw the all the time when I was carrying their precious cargo, my eggs, but they stopped having much of an interest in me once they had what they wanted.

Then the babies were born and it was a tragedy and a miracle all rolled into one.  One baby survived and beat all odds to be a normal, smart, beautiful little boy and one little boy didn't make it.  I was promised to be a family no matter what by these people.  I was family for that little boy and they'd never kick me out.  Except they have over and over again.  I've never asked them for anything except for their time.  The one time I need help.  When my mental health is really low and I really needed them to be there for me, they back out and abandoned me.  They said they could not find time for me and neither one of them works.  They told me they thought my suicide attempt was for attention.  They said some other mean things and then they did not allow me to attend that little boys 2nd birthday.  They promised they'd never block me out of his life and they have since done that three times.

Take their side if you want, but you do not know the whole story.  Maybe it is my fault.  Maybe I get everything I deserved.  I don't know.  I don't care.  It doesn't matter anyway, because I honestly don't want to be here anyway.  I want to go to sleep and just never wake up/  I tried that and it failed.  I fail at everything I do.  I fail at life.  I fail at death. I fail at relationships.  I fail at ending them.  I just fucking suck at life and I want out.

There is no point in pointing out what a fuck up I am in life.  I already know.  From the day I was born, there has been something really wrong with me.  I've always known this.  I don't belong here with the rest of the world.  I'm not worth much.  I don't deserve much.  I shouldn't be alive and I don't want to be a live anymore.  My life was a mistake and the universe has been trying to tell me that since the day I was born.  I just wish I didn't exist.  I wish I was never born.  I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up.  I truly don't want to be here anymore.  I really don't.  My next attempt is to point a toy gun at a police officer and hope that he shoots me.  I'm so tired of hurting.  I don't care what any of you say or how mean you are.  I'm just fucking tired of life and I'm tired of being the cause of so much pain in the world.  I just don't want to be here anymore.