Monday, May 16, 2011

"For your safety... please transfer to line 5"

That's what I heard on the bus today, you know because I totaled my super cute charcoal gray 2010 Toyota Matrix that my gf and I bought together a year ago last week.  I was sitting in the front of the bus, text messaging with my really good friend, Jen, my former summer camp counselor and amazing friend who left the hasty comment defending me in another post.  She's the only person in my real life that knows my blog address now which I think it much healthier for my relationships.  I don't think it's good for the people close to me to read all my doom and gloom all the time.  Anyway back to the bus.  I was sitting in the front, playing with my phone, when the electronic speaker on the bus said in a pleasant monotone female voice, "For your safety... (dramatic pause) please transfer to line 5...(dramatic pause)."  I burst out laughing.  I looked around to see if anyone else was laughing too but I don't think anyone else noticed.  I think I'm the only one that heard it.  Then I start freaking out that maybe I hallucinated it, but I'm pretty sure I didn't because the little electronic sign said it too.  Anyway, it was totally dumb, but it cracked me up, especially because I was just thinking that the driver was going to crash and kill us all.  Silly I know.

I woke up this morning without a migraine for the first time in weeks.  I woke up feeling okay.  Not great, but definitely okay.  I didn't sleep well, but I didn't have any nightmares either.  For some reason that makes it easier for me the next day.  I got a package in the mail from my friend Jen the other day so I had tons of really great caramel corn to munch on while taking the bus and then my gf's mom (who is kind of crazy and someone that I can only take in very small doses, but she has a good heart) sent me a knitted hat she made for me.  It's looks like a giant Ya-mica on my head.  That or a really big concave doily. She really can't knit but she insists on making stuff for us and the dogs.  She made a sweater for my rottweiler once.  It was super sweet for her to make the hat for me though and she said she picked the color because she thought it was the very color of my eyes, which was also sweet.

Yesterday I went to urgent care because of a giant rash of hives on my legs and abdomen and one of my meds can cause a fatal rash, so I'm a little freaked out about it.  That, and my gf said it was scabies which really creeped me out.  It's not scabies.  The rash started before I started taking Lamictal (the fatal rash med), so it's not that.  The Urgent care doctor gave me two antibiotics to take, one twice a day and one four times a day.  So much medication to manage.  It's a bit daunting and scary now.  I feel bad for my poor little liver.  I told Dr. Patrick about it today and he looked at it and said it's definately hives and that it might be from the nightmare medication.  If the antibiotics don't help by tomorrow I have to stop the nightmare med.  I'm not sure what I want in the situation.  So far I haven't had very many bad nightmares on the med, but the hives aren't fun either.  I look like I a walking infection.  I'm glad it's on my legs and not my arms.

I am now in the day program four days a week, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.  I have individual therapy on Wednesday and I'm going to start doing yoga that day too, so my schedule is pretty booked which is good because it forces me to get out of bed and it forces me to socialize and deal with my issues.  I really really like Dr. Patrick, like maybe too much.  He's hilarious and warm, and just really seems to actually care about me and not just the meds.  I have an hour session with him once a week plus anytime I need him during the week.  I also have a session with my care coordinator once a week.  That means I have three hours of individual therapy a week on top of my group therapy from 9-3.  I think I've got enough therapy in my life right now.  I'm really trying to feel better.  I know my blog is often a lot of gloom and doom, but I'm really trying to get better.  It's just that sometimes I tend to think about everything that's happening and everything that's happened and I get in this space of total overwhelming despair, but my good moments seem to be increasing, even though it may not seem like it in my blog.

I got some more news from work.  They cannot fire me or lay me off because of FMLA because doing so would be discrimination.  That means I have my health care totally covered.  What's not good is I can't get unemployment or paid at work.  If I quite, I lose my unemployment and health insurance.  If I stay, I have no income.  Dr. Patrick said that it's possible for me to work outside of the university and be on disability with the university because the day program counts as hospitalization.  Basically he says it wouldn't be dishonest for me to get a job somewhere else.  I'm not sure I agree but I'm kind of in a bind since I have over a thousand in medical bills now, plus more coming in, my rent in LA is not cheap, etc...  I think I can always get my job back as a barista at Starbucks.  They really liked me there when I worked there four years ago.  I hope they will take me back.  My gf and I are going to try to get a roommate if we can find someone who doesn't mind living with three cats and two large dogs.  I was feeling really stressed and hopeless about money but Dr. Patrick helped me feel better about it, plus this means I won't have to pay 500 bucks in Cobra every month to keep my health insurance. 

My beloved little car is a total loss.  Because my gf and I were still paying it off the insurance is going to pay the dealership off for what what the car is worth.  After all the taxes and fees we actually come out ahead with enough to put a down payment on another car.  I just hope that Toyota gives us the same deal had last time which was zero interest for five years so our car payment was only like 200 bucks a month.  That's why we got a new car in the first place.  It was actually cheaper to do so in the short term.  Sadly I am at fault for the accident because I am an a idiot and thought because two lanes of cars stopped to let turn and the other lane was an empty parking lane, that it was safe to turn.  It wasn't empty and I got hit.  The guy was very nice about it.  If I had to get in an accident, I'm glad it was with that guy.

I had a panic attack in group today.  It was really embarrassing.  In the group we had to write down a relationship problem we are having right now on an index card.  After we wrote it down the therapist told us to pass it to the person to our left.  I had no idea we would be passing it.  Then we went around reading the card we had and saying how we would deal with the issue if it were our problem, then afterwords the rest of the group comments, and then the card writer responds.  When it came time for the girl to read my card my heart began to race and I was having trouble breathing.  When it was my turn to explain more about the problem I totally couldn't breathe, and panicked.  It was humiliating.  I cried.  The entire group tried to soothe me and tell me it was okay.  I left the room for a few minutes and came back and a couple of people gave me a hug.  It was really cool and supportive.  Group therapy is REALLY hard for me.  After I calmed down I talked about K and what's going on and it was really great to hear ideas and interpretations of the situation that I had not thought about before.  We closed the day with some Mindfulnes meditation for anxiety, which ironically makes me super anxious.

Right now I feel like life is really punishing me.  I feel like I have a huge pile of stuff to deal with on top of the huge pile of stuff I already had to deal with and I'm drowning a little bit, but today was okay.  Today was manageable despite the stressful news and hard day at the group program.  Today was a pretty good day.