Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Trying to get help is making me crazy

I'm back in my program four days a week now.  My doctor had to appeal three times to my insurance.  I don't know why.  I went on Thursday last week, but just couldn't make it on Friday.  I saw my CT (current therapist) on Wednesday but I sent her some of K's emails and told her I just don't know how to deal with it all and she scheduled me in for an extra session on Friday.  I cried.  And cried.  And cried.

I spent most of the week and weekend laying in bed.  I get up when I have to, but otherwise I just can't make myself do it.  I don't want to do anything.  I don't want to eat.  I don't want to watch TV.  I don't want to read.  I just want to lay in bed and watch my ceiling fan oscillate above my head and space out.  So that's pretty much what I did for most of last week between bouts of extremely hard sobbing about difficult things in my life that I don't really understand or know how to manag..  I'm not articulate enough to describe just how crushed I am about a few things right now.  My face is always covered in little broken blood vessels after one of those crying sessions.  That's how hard I've been crying about it.  All this crying scares me a little bit.  I didn't use to be the kind of person that cries.  I still don't cry very often but when I do I can't seem to stop.  I switch from bouts of being very angry at them to just being sad and confused. 

This weekend my gf made me get out of bed to go figure out what we were going to do about the car.  The car insurance decided it was a total loss.  We owed less than the car was worth so we could get a new car and actually not lose any money at all.  This time we got a dark blue Honda Fit.  It's cute and zippy and everything.  Normally getting something like a new phone or a new little gadget would make me giddy with excitement, but here I was getting a brand new car and I felt flat.  I felt nothing.  I just wasn't excited and I really wanted to be.  I wanted to be so excited.  We got a newer, cooler, sportier, cuter car and actually came out ahead financially.  We didn't lose money by the accident, we gained money.  I should be excited by this too, right?  Why can't I feel excitement?  Maybe part of it is I'm just worried about how we're going to make payments when I'm not working.  I've applied for short term disability insurance with the University and I'm looking for a summer job, so hopefully that will work out soon.

Yesterday in the program I found out that I've been diagnosed with something that I REALLY REALLY disagree with.  I've looked at all the criteria for this diagnosis and while I will admit that some of the symptoms fit me (I think they fit A LOT of people) I don't meet enough of them to be diagnosed with it.  I feel like my diagnosis of severe MDD, CPTSD, GAD are enough.  I DO NOT need a fourth one on top of that, especially one I really don't agree with.  Going to this treatment program has not helped me at all.  The program is too big and the groups are so repetitive.  They never change.  The lessons are always the same.  How is that helping me?  People in this program are giving me labels without consulting me.  I think if you're going to label me with something, you should talk to me about it first.  I'm very offended by my new label because it just doesn't fit me and it doesn't help me in ANY way whatsoever.  I don't think it's fair to count my unstable childhood relationships in order to meet this diagnosis.  How can you tell me it wasn't my fault as a child and then label me with something that explains it?  

The program wants me to go to this DBT mindfulness program in august but I have to sign a year contract before I can do it.  I can't sign a year contract to work with someone I don't know if I like or trust, in a program that I don't know will help me, and one that I have to pay for with insurance when I have no clue what my insurance will be in a year from now.  I'm not going to sign a contract.  I'm just not.

I talked about this in therapy today.  I talked about how I'm ready to just quit everything.  I'm ready to quit therapy, the program, medication.  All of it.  My therapist told me I should talk to the program about all of this before I do anything.  I know that all they are going to say is that there are plenty of people willing to take my place if I don't want to be there.  I talked about how I'm tired of people deciding what's best for me without asking me and I'm tired of being passed to other people when they can't help me.  I'm tired of all of it.  None of it is helping me.  My therapist said that she would like to be a part of the process of my treatment and I just laughed.  She wanted to know why and I told her that even she doesn't know if she wants to work with me or can help me at times.  Now she wants to talk about that next week if I come back.  I'm tired because I don't feel any better and I've been working so hard to feel better.  The doctors are just throwing medication at my brain to see what happens.  Yesterday Dr. Patrick suggested I try this brand new medication.  Basically it's so new I would be a guinea pig for side effects.  Um..NO THANKS.  He already gave me a medication that gave me hives all over my body and I'm on another one that could give me a deadly rash.  Two years ago I was on NO medication.  Last year I was on three medications, two for hormones and Lexapro, and this year I'm on seven!  That's just insanity.  Trying to get help has done nothing but give me labels and drugs and side effects and none of it has helped me deal with my traumas or anxiety or depression.  None of it has helped me at all.  Trying to get help is making me crazy.