Sunday, March 20, 2011

You win

It’s raining but not even the rain is providing me with any comfort today.  The Internet has been pretty cruel to me the last few days.  I’ve been accused of lying, of exaggerating, of copying someone else’s blog.  I’ve been told I’m a loser, a cheater, that I should just kill myself, that I should stop writing my blog.  I don’t know what to do but it really sucks and it’s really scary that there are people out there talking about me in such a negative way to each other before they even contact me.  I did not ask for the recent attention my blog has gotten but I’m sorry it seems to upset other people. 

I do not understand what I have done to deserve this.  I honestly don’t.  I have never tried to mimic or copy anyone else.  I have my own style of writing.  I write about what I know.  I’m pretty sure a lot of my story is similar to MANY foster children, but there is a lot to my story that is my very own.
I wasn’t aware the title “foster kid” was something that someone could claim ownership to.  I’ve been a foster kid my whole life.  I didn’t know that I wasn’t allowed to write a blog about foster care and my childhood because other people are doing it.   I wasn’t aware that writing dialogue between client and therapist belonged to someone else.  I wasn’t aware that going to a psychiatric hospital belonged to someone else.  I wasn’t aware that I wasn’t allowed to write about things that someone else somewhere might be writing about too. 

People have said that I am not allowed to talk about how unlovable I feel when I have a girlfriend, and some contact with my sister.  I don’t know what to say to this.  While it’s true, that I am not totally alone in life, it’s also true that my girlfriend cannot fill the voids I feel because I was never wanted by a family.  If we break up, I am totally alone again.  I have no one else.  It’s true that I have very minimal contact with my sister, but our relationship consists of me coming to her rescue when she needs it.  In the last five years I think I have visited her once.   My brother contacts me but he is violent and scary.   My mother contacts me but she only wants to hurt me.  I’m not sure how any of this invalidates my pain.  I also did not grow up with any of my siblings.  My sister lived in the middle east until she came to live with me when I was 19.  

I am so lost and so hurt right now.  I’ve never felt so invalidated and alone as I do at this very moment. 
I realize that I am better off than most former foster children.  I have not tried to hide this.  I went to college.  I have a job (although not at the moment), I have health insurance, and I have a relationship because I am lucky to have found someone who puts up with all my crazy.  I have had contact with my biological mother, even if it’s only through really painful emails.  It’s true that I am not barely twenty.  I am in my mid-twenties.  I originally included all of my private info including my actual age, but I realized I didn’t want so many people to be able to find me elsewhere on the internet. 

But none of that changes just how much it hurts to have grown up without a family.  None of that changes just how lost and completely alone I feel in life.  None of that changes the nightmares or the flashbacks.  None of that changes the fact that despite my insomnia I spend every moment of the day in my bed.  EVERY MOMENT.  I cannot get out of bed.  I cannot even get up to eat.

Now not only does my own mother hate me and wish I were dead, strangers on the internet have written precisely that.  Strangers on the internet want me dead!  Strangers on the internet think I am a liar and a copycat and they want me to go away.  My whole life people have wanted me to go away.  My whole life people have devalued me and thrown me away.  I guess I was stupid to think it would be any different on the internet. 

Life is just never going to get better for me.  I give up.  I really freaking give up.  I can’t do this anymore.  You win.