Thursday, March 31, 2011

Things I learned in the Psych Ward (and the ER):

The ER:
Charcoal tastes like extra thick Pepto-Bismol times 100.

Slapping is a medical procedure.

It is impossible to walk when you’ve taken 50 sleeping pills and 30+ sedatives.

You will also have almost no memory for three days after overdosing on said pills.

Hospitals no longer pump stomachs.

I am excellent at escaping restraints even while unconscious.  The nurses called me Houdini.

Smelling salts should be renamed “Omg WTF was that?” salts.

The Psych hospital:
Payphones still exist.

Psych hospitals are like vampires.  They are hungry for your blood.  And whatever creature that is after your urine.

You can get your foot x-rayed directly on your bed. 

I love Cherry Laffy Taffy but I hate Sparkle Cherry Laffy Taffy.

You can have an old style Walkman radio but NOT an iPod. 

Ping Pong is considered therapy.

I like playing with clay but it doesn’t make me not want to die.

You can make whatever you want with the clay but you cannot keep it because it can be used as a weapon or cut yourself with it when it dries.

People make strange faces when they are doing Thai chi.

There is surprisingly very little psychotherapy in a psych hospital. 

It’s all about the meds.

You cannot have a hardcover book but you can have heeled boots as long as they don't have laces.

Clothing is a privilege, not a right.

You can have soft bristle hairbrush but not a hard bristle hair brush.  They give you a toothbrush with a pointy stem.

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash come in an all in one.  I had no idea.

There are more smoke breaks than times you can use the telephone.

You can call whoever you want on the payphone but you can never use your own cell phone.

You cannot order Pizza.

The patients are pretty normal, even the crazy ones, well maybe not.

The crazy children in the next ward however, are INSANE.

I came up with three ways I could still kill myself despite all the safety precautions and supervision.

It may be the only place where showering might make you dirtier.

The nurses are more neurotic than the patients.

You cannot have anything with a string—including tampons.

There is absolutely no structure or anything to do.

You can watch an extremely violent movie where a guy is decapitated but you cannot listen to music with cursing or sexual innuendo. 

Psych patients LOVE the game Connect Four.

The nurses will call your name so many times it seems like they are afraid you might forget it. 

It is possible to write in the dark.  I wrote this in the dark.

You have to make an appointment to shave, and to shower.

A “fresh air” break and a “smoke” break are the same thing.

You can wear pajamas and socks all day long, but no shoe strings.

A messy unmade bed= unstable.  A tidy nicely made bed= cured!

You can take your sleeping pills with coffee without question.

Under wire bras are dangerous.

Some people love me.

I don’t want to die.