Monday, March 7, 2011

Fractured

“I feel so disposable,” I said in therapy.  My therapist said, “We’re all disposable.”  I thought about this for a moment before I said, “Some more than most.”  She didn’t respond.  It’s true and she knows it.  I am more disposable than she has ever been or will ever be.  I don’t know very much about her life, but I know that she has a family.  She has a mom.  She has people who love her unconditionally.  She belongs to people.  She will always belong to people.  She has roots and family history.  She has people that will be there for her if she ever needs anything.  She went to really expensive colleges so I’m guessing her family paid for that for her which means she has people that support her too.  She has what I have always wanted plus some.  She can never fully understand what it feels like to be me.  No matter how hard she tries to empathize with me, she’ll never fully understand what it feels like to have never been wanted.  Void is not a big enough word to describe what I feel.  I don’t feel a void.   I feel empty.  I feel empty and yet so heavy.  I feel so lost and broken.  Fractured.  My heart and soul are fractured in pieces just like my life.  A piece of me broke off every single time I moved as a child.  My body left but a piece of me stayed behind.  42 foster homes, hundreds of motels, countless states, three countries.  I am scattered in too many places to ever find all the pieces.  Each time a family rejected me, each time I was thrown away, the remaining pieces cracked and fractured some more.   I am forever broken.  I am forever lost.  I’ll never be a whole person.  I’ll never be me.   But when you are a kid anything is possible.  When you are a kid, your dreams are enough to carry you, enough to push you through the pain.  But now I am all grown up and I’ve failed at all my dreams.  Well, really I gave up on all my dreams.  I gave up when I thought I might fail.  I gave up before I could fail.  I used to have so much ambition and now I am ambitionless.  I don’t have any dreams to keep me going.  I don’t have a dream to get me through this.

The feelings and thoughts are back.  I have one okay day and then I crash.  Why does my mind always go there?  It’s overly dramatic and scary but sometimes I can’t think about anything else.   I slept pretty much all day and didn’t eat except for a couple of granola bars until about 5pm.  I got really shaky from low blood sugar which happens sometimes because I have hypoglycemia.  I haven’t had an episode in a while, not since I started my medication.  It is a medication for a hormone problem I got after going through IVF (What I did), but it had an unexpected positive side effect of regulating my low blood sugar.  Instead of drinking juice and eating an apple like I know I should have, I went to Starbucks and got a decaf mocha and a cookie and then I went to the drug store and bought two large laffy taffys and box of redvines.  I ate so much junk food and now I feel gross and agitated from the sugar high.  All I ate today was sugar and now I feel disgusting.  

I have to work an extra-long day tomorrow.  I really can’t bear the thought of it but I know I have to do it.  I can barely get out of bed right now, but I can’t avoid going back to work.  I’ll lose my job and my insurance.  I wish I was currently laid off like I have been in the summers the last couple of years.  I need a break from everything.  From life.  From myself.  I need something but I don’t know what it is.  

Sometimes I think maybe going to a hospital that specializes in my issues would be a good idea, but that would require a leave from work which means I won’t make any money and I’ll have to pay the large copay for inpatient care.   All the programs available also treat chemical dependencies which I currently do not have.  Why do I have to be addicted to something in order to be treated for PTSD?  I’ve never been so lost.  I’ve never been this depressed.  I mean, I have, but not as an adult.  At least when I was a child I didn’t have any real responsibilities.  I could self-destruct and not have any major consequences.  If I do it today, my whole life could fall apart.  I could make my life so much harder.  I feel like I might implode any minute now.  Everything feels so wrong right now.  Breathing feels wrong.  I just feel wrong.  I don’t know who I am at all.  I don’t know who I am or where I stand on anything right now.  ANYTHING.  I’m so lost, but maybe I’ve always been this lost and I am only now aware of it.  Maybe I’ll always be this lost.  Maybe this is how my mother, brother, and sister feel.  Maybe they are just as lost and alone except I have so much more than they do.  I am better off than them.  I am better off now, but for how much longer?  How much longer can I continue this way before I become them?  Maybe I already have.  It’s inevitable.  All of it.