Monday, March 21, 2011

Forks, earlobs, and my blog

Nothing can make a girl feel better quite like brand new 3mm white gold topaz earrings can.  I forgot I ordered them two months ago and they just came in the mail today.  Well actually, I just checked the mail today and there they were!  They sound fancier than they really are.  They were only 25 bucks on ebay, but I love them.  They are probably the nicest jewelry I have ever had.  I had to get my second holes in my ears re-pierced a while ago because the backs had closed up a little bit.  I stupidly let the piercer put in those little locking studs into my ears thinking it would be safer.  I was not able to get the stupid piercing studs out of my ears for the longest time but I was determined to put these shiny new blue studs in my ears.  I gathered some q-tips, paper towels, bactine, and two forks.  Yes, two small forks.  I took one fork and slide my earring through two of the prongs and then took the other fork and stuck two prongs through the loops in the back.  I slowly pulled up and out on each fork and POP.  Success!  I cleaned my new earring and stuck it in my ear and then repeated the steps for the other ear.  My girlfriend is highly amused that I used utensils to remove stuck earrings.  Now my ears shine and sparkle!

The last few days I have received some really cruel emails.  They really hurt because deep down the things they told me are everything I fear about myself.  I fear that I am worthless, a fraud, a loser, that I deserve to die.  I feel like my life is a mistake and no one will ever love me.  Someone emailed that that they thought my mother was right about something being wrong with me and that the world would be better off if I just killed myself.  I received 9 emails in total from 9 different people on top of the not so nice comments on my blog and the not so nice blog entries written about me.  I was freaked out, scared, and really hurt that so many people seem to be against me.  For some reason the hurtful comments make a bigger impact than the dozens of sweet support comments.  It should be the other way around.

I literally spent two days in bed, only getting out when my girlfriend forced me to walk my dogs or eat.  I was really down on myself thinking maybe the negative people were right about me and maybe I am a copycat and a fraud but I've gone back through most of my entries and I know everything I have written is from my own life.  The dialog style I use is also widely used elsewhere all over the internet.  I no longer feel bad about my blog.  I will not stop writing my blog just because some people cannot handle it.  This blog is for me.  This blog is for other foster children, past and present.  The more voices of former foster children the better.  I want everyone to know what really happens to children today, even if some people refuse to believe it.  I want people to know.  I want people to change it.  It's too late for me but it's not too late for the little girls and boys in foster care this very minute.  It's not too late to change their lives.