Wednesday, February 2, 2011

spontaneous bouts of emotion

I want to write about something fundamentally important. I want to write more about foster care and less about me. I want to focus on something else. I want to think about something other than myself but I'm in a very selfish place right now. All I can think about is me, my feelings, my problems, my past, my future, my life. I wish I wasn't such a selfish person, but I am. I'm so very selfish. Even when I give of myself, and I do that a lot, I do it for selfish reasons. I want people to like me. I want them to stick around. I guess, in a way I am trying to buy their affection.

I've had so many thoughts running through my head lately. They come at me at the most random moments. Like in line to get coffee the other day the guy asked me what I'd like today and I thought, I'd like to be a decent human being. I'd like a mom. I'd like to wake up one day and be someone else, like someone without so many problems. Instead I said, "just a small coffee with steamed soy please."

I keep getting caught in these spontaneous bouts of loneliness. I think about how much I want to connect with other people and how I don't really know how to do that. I'm also a little scared to do that. Letting a few people from my real life read this blog is the most I've ever revealed about myself to anyone. It's scary and it's liberating. Mostly, it's scary. What if they don't like who I really am? What if they can't handle my real thoughts and feelings? What if they don't want to know me? In this blog I've been a bit relentless with the negativity. I don't mean to be, but it's just where I am at right now. I know I drive people away with my constant depressing, suicidal, critical thoughts. It gets annoying and draining to read the same depressing crap over and over again, so I get why so many of my blog readers and buddies have gone away. I mean driving people away is something I am good at.  It's my specialty.  I should teach a class for people with stalkers.

I feel so awkward around other humans. Animals are easy for me. They are easy to read. They are easy to love. They are just easy and perfect. People are difficult and imperfect.  I think I was absent on the day they taught you how to read body language and social cues because they just go over my head. Because of this I am so anxious and shy around other people.

I have stopped taking my new medication. I just can't tolerate the long list of weird side effects I am having. There are minor ones like headaches, nausea, and dizziness. I feel like I have the flu, but I cannot stop eating! For some reason my body is hungry all the time and it is never full. This isn't normal for me and I don't like it. But mostly I'm worried about the sudden and extreme feelings that strike me at random times. Yesterday at work I was sitting in a classroom full of kids observing and I had a very strong urge to start sobbing. It took everything I had not to start crying in front of all of these children. I have moments of complete euphoria and utter joy for no reason.  The other day I was feeding my turtles and cleaning out some lettuce from their aquarium when I was struck with this intense sense of guilt. I've had my turtles since high school. I've kept them in a 75 gallon, four foot long aquarium with a basking platform I built above the tank. I've had these turtles for a very long time, but suddenly I couldn't believe what it must be like to live in a glass box for years and years. I felt so guilty that I would do that to a creature, so I gave my turtles away to someone who had a large outdoor pond. Now I miss my turtles and I feel like I made a huge mistake. It's too late. They're gone. Maybe my impulse control isn't so good lately either. I tried to make an appointment with my psychiatrist but she doesn't have anything available before my scheduled visit next Wednesday. I'm a little bit worried about what's going to happen in a few days when it's totally out of my system, but I guess I will find out soon enough. I hate feelings. I wish I didn’t have them. I swear my life would be so much easier if I didn’t. I still find it utterly bizarre that we have pills for feelings. Makes feelings seem rather useless if they can be altered so easily

Since I've been thinking about all of my mother's lately, so I thought I'd end this entry with a depressing poem I wrote.

Mother's Daughter

Leaves dancing in chilly air,
Once upon a stolen dream.
Visions of your return for
Everything-including me.

My social comforts fell away,
On that day you left.
Taking nothing, including me.

Hemorrhaging for you, I'm
Immersed in thoughts of your
Return to save me from this, but
sleep has saved no one-including me.

Choices were never mine, but now I'm
Leaving like my mother's daughter.
Our social comforts were taken away and I'm
Still the shadow you left behind.
My desires have Incinerated
Never to be revived.
Gone is everything-including me.