Monday, February 14, 2011

Phone call with my therapist

I replied to an email from my therapist today telling her that I can still meet her on Friday and then I told her the truth about how I am feeling.

I wrote:

Dear L,
2pm on Friday works for me.  Anytime on Friday will work actually because my site was canceled.  I know I'm like the worst person to sit in a room with for an hour, but I'm really having a very hard time merely existing.  It's hard to be awake and it's hard to be asleep.  It's hard to breathe, sometimes literally.  I don't know what else to do except therapy.  Tell me and I will do it.  Anything.  I have nothing else that I know will make me feel better and I don't know how much longer I can manage this.  My gf filled the fridge with smartwaters, bought me a huge orchid, and wrote me a very sweet card.  She left it for me to find when I woke up today.  It's very sweet but it made me feel worse.  I feel so horrible and gross that I've actually vomited a few times.  I can't purge it from myself.  I am a horrible person and she deserves better.  Please don't report me because I haven't acted on it yet, but my essential is all I think about all day long.   My life is not worth all of this.  I feel nothing but pain and I cause nothing but pain.  My essential item is the only thing that I know will work.  It's the only thing I know will make me feel better.  I already wrote letters to people I love for when I am gone and I'm telling you because I want help.  I see you so often because I need help.  How do I feel better?  Please tell me what I should do.

I don't actually refer to my essential item as an essential item when I talk about it in person.  I just don't want to give people ideas on the Internet.  I don't want people like me to see it.  She didn't reply to my email, but she called me.  I think she was on her lunch break because she was eating.

Her:  "Hi Campbell, it's L.  How are you doing?"
Me:  "um..."
Her:  "Stupid question, huh?"
Me:  "I don't know what to say."
Her:  "Yeah, I know.  Are you planning to harm yourself?"
Me:  "planning.  no."
Her:  "Are you going to harm yourself?"
Me:  "I.  Um.  I'm not sure.  I'm trying not to so I don't think so."
Her:  "Can you promise me that you will call me if anything shifts and you want to harm yourself?
Me:  "I'll try.  I'm just really having a hard time.  I don't know what to do."
Her:  "I think you just need to hang in there."
Me:  "How?"
Her:  "By showing yourself some compassion.  I know that's really difficult for you but that's what you have to do."
Me:  "How do I do that?  I really messed up."

Then we talked about what happened and how it happened and how I didn't have the power to stop it.  She kept saying that I have to be nicer to myself and more compassionate toward myself.  Then I said that I feel horrible and that I am "X."  and she agreed and then told me I need to forgive myself.  She confirmed that I was indeed "X."  That is something I never thought I'd be.  Never in my life.  It makes me hate myself so much.

Her:  "You just have to say, okay, this happened but I didn't want it to happen.  Just show yourself a
           little forgiveness and compassion."
Me:  "I really don't know how to do that.  I try.  I really do, but I don't know how.  My brain just
         automatically goes there."
Her:  "So when your brain goes there, you pay attention and recognize it and change the dialogue.
          Say to yourself, I'm going there again.  I need to be nicer to myself."
Me:  "Okay, I'll try."
Her:  "That's all you can do.  I'll see you on Wednesday.  Okay?  Call me if you need me before
          then.  Call me if you're feeling like hurting yourself and please don't buy the essential item."
Me:  "okay.  Thank you."
Her:  "You're welcome.  See you Wednesday."

I'm not sure any of what she told me was very helpful.  I didn't tell her that I already bought my essential item.  She'll make me throw it away and right now it feels better to know that I have it if I need it.  Right now it's the only thing that comforts me.