Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Broken glass

So many people have told me that they love me,  that they are my family, but they always change their minds eventually.  EVERYONE changes their mind!  EVERYONE.  Even my biological mother and father.   Each time someone left me it shattered my heart, so now I am broken and unable to believe or feel loved.  I don’t know what love feels like.  Do you truly understand what I am saying?  I literally do not know what it feels like to be loved.  So when you tell me you love me, I do not believe you.  I cannot believe you.  How am I supposed to believe you?  I’ve had people promise to be my family over and over again, but they always leave me.  It’s easy to tell me to stop telling myself this, to stop feeling it.  It’s easy to tell me to have faith and trust.  It’s easy when you have not lived how I have lived.  I have fallen in love with families over and over again and I have been rejected over and over again.  I still have a letter one foster mom wrote to me telling me I was her “chosen one” and her love for me was unconditional.  There was nothing I could do to make her change her mind or send me away, she told me.  I proved her wrong and I don’t even know how!  I don’t know what I did.  I was quiet.  I played the violin.  I got straight A’s, played sports, scored in the 98th percentile on district tests despite my mild dyslexia.  I also volunteered.   In other words I tried extremely hard to be the perfect kid, but it wasn’t enough.  It didn’t matter because nobody wanted me.  Nobody could love me.  Nobody kept me.  The only thing I have ever wanted was a mom.  The only thing I have ever wanted was for someone to want me, for someone to my family.  To be adopted.  Being rejected by a family is not the same as being rejected by a boyfriend or girlfriend.  When a mom rejects you, it’s so much worse.  When a mom rejects you, you can’t breathe.   When a mom rejects you, it destroys you.  I know there is something wrong with me.  There is something wrong with me that no one has ever been able to fix or love.

I feel like I have a disease—cancer of the soul.  I was born with it and it’s spreading.  My therapist once asked me when I became frozen with anxiety in a session, “Is it lonely in there?”  I wish she could know exactly how lonely it really is to be trapped in my head.  I feel like I’m trapped in a body that I hate and a brain that is killing me.  No one truly knows me, nor do I know anyone else.  I’m too trapped to share with other people.  Only recently have I begun to be more open and honest and I’m not sure it’s a good thing.
I live in a land of monotone where everything is black or white, light or dark, but right now it’s all black and dark.  Mostly my life has been darkness with flashes of light here and there.  My hope for the future is flickering and the wick is short and burned up.   Right now my resolve is all burned up. 

Every night I end up starring at the ceiling, praying for something to change, for some peace, or for my heart to stop beating.  Every night my past visits me.  I can see, hear, taste, and smell yesterday.  It’s worn out its welcome but I can’t make it go away.  It haunts me.  It hurts me.  It is killing me.

My whole body aches.  For most of my life I feel like I’ve been walking barefooted on broken glass.  Each step is agony.  Now my soul is much heavier and the glass penetrates my body deeper.  I want to stop, to lie down and give up.  I can’t see a reason to keep going except the people who keep telling me that I’ll make it and things will get better.  I am living for them even though I know they are wrong.  I desperately want to believe them.   I don’t really want to die, but I see no way out.  There is nothing but more glass and pain in my future.  My heart is as hard as bone and, it's lodged itself between my lungs and my ribcage making every moment a painful gasp for air.  I never get enough.  I try over and over again to swallow my heart, but I can’t stomach it either.  It’s so hard to breathe.  I mean that literally and figuratively.  Sometimes I really can’t breathe.   I used to live in this state like the moment when you’re between waking and dreaming and you can’t tell if you’re asleep or awake.  That was how I survived, but I can’t do that anymore.  I'm so tired.  I just want some peace and I only know of one way to obtain it.  I don’t know how to survive anymore and I’m not sure that I want to.