I feel like I have a disease—cancer of the soul. I was born with it and it’s spreading. My therapist once asked me when I became frozen with anxiety in a session, “Is it lonely in there?” I wish she could know exactly how lonely it really is to be trapped in my head. I feel like I’m trapped in a body that I hate and a brain that is killing me. No one truly knows me, nor do I know anyone else. I’m too trapped to share with other people. Only recently have I begun to be more open and honest and I’m not sure it’s a good thing.
I live in a land of monotone where everything is black or white, light or dark, but right now it’s all black and dark. Mostly my life has been darkness with flashes of light here and there. My hope for the future is flickering and the wick is short and burned up. Right now my resolve is all burned up.
Every night I end up starring at the ceiling, praying for something to change, for some peace, or for my heart to stop beating. Every night my past visits me. I can see, hear, taste, and smell yesterday. It’s worn out its welcome but I can’t make it go away. It haunts me. It hurts me. It is killing me.
My whole body aches. For most of my life I feel like I’ve been walking barefooted on broken glass. Each step is agony. Now my soul is much heavier and the glass penetrates my body deeper. I want to stop, to lie down and give up. I can’t see a reason to keep going except the people who keep telling me that I’ll make it and things will get better. I am living for them even though I know they are wrong. I desperately want to believe them. I don’t really want to die, but I see no way out. There is nothing but more glass and pain in my future. My heart is as hard as bone and, it's lodged itself between my lungs and my ribcage making every moment a painful gasp for air. I never get enough. I try over and over again to swallow my heart, but I can’t stomach it either. It’s so hard to breathe. I mean that literally and figuratively. Sometimes I really can’t breathe. I used to live in this state like the moment when you’re between waking and dreaming and you can’t tell if you’re asleep or awake. That was how I survived, but I can’t do that anymore. I'm so tired. I just want some peace and I only know of one way to obtain it. I don’t know how to survive anymore and I’m not sure that I want to.