I went to therapy today despite my intense desire not to. It was beyond uncomfortable. I was firm and short with my therapist. I think the change startled her. I'm usually so quiet she has to turn off all the things that make noise in the office to hear me. She said, "Well here is where I am coming from..." and I interrupted her by saying, "I really don't care where you are coming from." She said, "I can see that." She said that she was worried about me and she wanted to talk to someone else on my treatment plan to make sure I was on the best course of treatment. She wanted support from my treatment team. It was more about her needs than mine I guess.
"Do you know how hard it is for me to trust people?" I asked. "And now I'm worse off than before because I still feel the same way but now I don't have a therapist and my doctor thinks I should go to the emergency room." She looked really sad and said, "I know it's so hard for you to trust people. I'm hoping you can see that I made a mistake but I care about you and I want you to be safe." She talked about me coming back to see if we can repair the "rupture" in our relationship. Rupture? It's more than a rupture for me. It was a freaking explosion.
At this point I don't know what I want to do. I promised I would go back tomorrow and talk about it more. I feel so screwed. I'm screwed if I quit therapy because I refuse to start over with another therapist. It took me six months to share anything substantial with my therapist. I'm screwed if I go because I don't trust my therapist anymore. My life seriously sucks. How am I supposed to talk to my therapist now? I know I can't be honest because she will try to put me in a hospital. Lying feels like crap too. OMG. I am going back to bed.