Sunday, January 2, 2011

Temptation



Why do I do this to myself?  I must love to torture myself.  Either that or I'm incredibly stupid.  Probably a little of both.  Every single time I do it, I always find something that upsets me, so why do I constantly look at my youngest sister's facebook page?  Tonight I went to her page and saw that her adopted mom just joined facebook.  I clicked on her adopted mom's page and found that she is friends with my biological mother.  For some reason this hurts.  I don't know why I care, but oh my god, it hurts.  It hurts so much my heart raced for a few moments.  I just need a couple more people to friend each other and it's like a whole network of people who didn't want to be my family.  I'm so pathetic.  I have to find a way to disconnect because I know this isn't healthy but I can't resist the temptation.

I have no right to be upset because I asked for it by going to her page.  I should have stayed away.  I should have listened to the little voice in my head telling me it was a bad idea.  I don't even know why this upsets me so much.  I don't want it to.  Why does everything affect me so much more than it should?  When will I stop being so freaking sensitive....so damaged?

I am the problem in my life.  I am the one that keeps hurting myself.  I am the one who breaks my own heart.  I am the one who can't get over the past.  I am the one who has always pushed people away.  I am the one who is unlovable once people see who I really am.  I am the one who is pathetic.  I am a waste.  I've wasted my life being sad and damaged.  I'm too damage.  I'm too needy.  I'm too pathetic.  Therapy hasn't helped me at all and I don't think it ever will.  It's a joke that I keep going because therapy can't make you a better person.  All of my woulds are self inflicted.  I write about all how unjust my life has been but really most of it is my own doing.  I really wish I could just fall asleep and dream forever, except most of my dreams are nightmares, but at least those are just dreams.  Dreams have real monsters.  In real life the only monster I have to fear is myself.