|Brand new ME|
I worked so hard in school as a kid despite attending 7 high schools, 2 or 3 middle schools, and 25 elementary schools. I did not start school in America until I was 8 years old. I still graduated with a 4.0. Did it matter? NOPE. It didn't make anyone love me. It didn't get me a family. It didn't make my future any brighter.
My grades and high test scores got me a full ride scholarship to my school of choice, Sarah Lawrence in NY, but my foster parents convinced me to stay in Arizona so they could support me while I went to school. Because I wanted them to want me so badly, I gave up my scholarship and enrolled in the State University where I had to get student loans to pay for school. They moved across the country a couple of months after I started college. They got pregnant and I didn't matter anymore. Today I have more student loan debt than I can ever pay off.
I lived in 42 foster placements and not one family wanted to keep me. Several families promised to adopt me. They promised to love me unconditionally forever. They all changed their minds. All of them. No one can love me no matter how hard I try to be what other people want and I try with all my might.
All I have ever wanted was a mom. That's all I have ever needed. Just a mom to love me no matter what. I'm the kind of person not even a mother could love. My bio mother hated me from the day I was born. My father wanted an abortion. My father didn't stick around. He has a daughter older than me and one younger than me that he cared for, but he didn't want me. He wanted them but abandoned me. My teenage mother was addicted to crack, sold her body, and took all her anger out on me. She didn't want me and she told me that every single day.
I would have settled for a dad that loved me instead of a mom. Both would have been too much to ask for, but the "fathers" in my life only wanted my body. They never loved me.
I prayed, cried, begged, hoped, yearned for with ever single cell in my body that someone would be my family. Even today the need is so strong that I can barely breathe. It still hurts so much. I wish I could show someone how much it hurts. I wish I could make someone understand just how damaged my soul is because I was never wanted. I was never loved. I was never nurtured. Instead all I have are words and the words are never enough. They will never be adequate. They will never be able to describe the pain I carry around all day and night. I would cut off each toe individually and then each foot and then both of my legs if it meant I wouldn't have to feel this way ever again.
I tried to be a good kid, but it didn't matter.
I tried to be good at sports but it didn't matter.
I tried to be good at music but it didn't matter.
I tried to be at school but it didn't matter.
I tried to be a good sister, but it didn't matter.
I tried to be a good with money it didn't matter because people I am related to keep opening credit in my name and so I will never EVER have good credit even though I always pay my bills. ALWAYS.
I tried to be a good friend but it didn't matter.
I tried to be a good daughter but it didn't matter.
I tried to be a good citizen but it didn't matter.
I tried to be a good person but it didn't matter.
None of it matters because my life is a mistake. I never should have been born and all I can think about these days is rectifying that mistake because it's never going to get any better for me. The universe doesn't want me here and neither do I.