Sunday, January 23, 2011

Mistake

Just a warning, this blog entry will probably make you want to stop reading my blog.




Brand new ME
My birth and life are a total mistake and the universe reminds me of this every single day.

I worked so hard in school as a kid despite attending 7 high schools, 2 or 3 middle schools, and 25 elementary schools.  I did not start school in America until I was 8 years old.  I still graduated with a 4.0.  Did it matter?  NOPE.  It didn't make anyone love me.  It didn't get me a family.  It didn't make my future any brighter.

My grades and high test scores got me a full ride scholarship to my school of choice, Sarah Lawrence in NY, but my foster parents convinced me to stay in Arizona so they could support me while I went to school.  Because I wanted them to want me so badly, I gave up my scholarship and enrolled in the State University where I had to get student loans to pay for school.  They moved across the country a couple of months after I started college.  They got pregnant and I didn't matter anymore.  Today I have more student loan debt than I can ever pay off.

I lived in 42 foster placements and not one family wanted to keep me.  Several families promised to adopt me.  They promised to love me unconditionally forever.  They all changed their minds.  All of them.  No one can love me no matter how hard I try to be what other people want and I try with all my might.

All I have ever wanted was a mom.  That's all I have ever needed.  Just a mom to love me no matter what.  I'm the kind of person not even a mother could love.  My bio mother hated me from the day I was born.  My father wanted an abortion.  My father didn't stick around.  He has a daughter older than me and one younger than me that he cared for, but he didn't want me.  He wanted them but abandoned me.  My teenage mother was addicted to crack, sold her body, and took all her anger out on me.  She didn't want me and she told me that every single day.

I would have settled for a dad that loved me instead of a mom.  Both would have been too much to ask for, but the "fathers" in my life only wanted my body.  They never loved me.

I prayed, cried, begged, hoped, yearned for with ever single cell in my body that someone would be my family.  Even today the need is so strong that I can barely breathe.  It still hurts so much.  I wish I could show someone how much it hurts.  I wish I could make someone understand just how damaged my soul is because I was never wanted.  I was never loved.  I was never nurtured.  Instead all I have are words and the words are never enough.  They will never be adequate.  They will never be able to describe the pain I carry around all day and night.  I would cut off each toe individually and then each foot and then both of my legs if it meant I wouldn't have to feel this way ever again.

I always have so much red tape.  Everything is hard for me.  Simple things like registering for school or getting a drivers license are so difficult for me because my records have never been normal.  My birth certificate used to have a giant red stamp across it that said "FOR GOVERNMENT USE ONLY."  Getting ID's and documents is difficult for me because I've had so many last names in my life.  There was my mom's last name, my stepfather's last name, my foster parents last name, my father's last name.  I have so many documents in so many names.  I also do not even know what year I was actually born.  My mother says one thing, the government says another.  My social security card had one name, my birth certificate another.  Basically the government does not think I exist, unless I get a traffic ticket and then they know EXACTLY who I am.  Everything has always been so much more difficult than it really needs to be in my life.

I am a complete failure at life.  I suck at it.  I try so hard.  I really do.  I got this award in third grade that really defines me.  My third grade teacher wanted to give me an award but she couldn't think of anything because I was horrible at everything.  So she gave me an award for "Trying the Hardest."  I have always tried so hard in life.  I think I have tried harder than everyone I know, but I never succeed.  EVER.  It never matters. 

I tried to be a good kid, but it didn't matter.
I tried to be good at sports but it didn't matter.
I tried to be good at music but it didn't matter.
I tried to be at school but it didn't matter.

I tried to be good at college but it didn't matter.
I tried to be a good sister, but it didn't matter.
I tried to be a good with money it didn't matter because people I am related to keep opening credit in my name and so I will never EVER have good credit even though I always pay my bills.  ALWAYS.

I tried to be a good friend but it didn't matter.
I tried to be a good daughter but it didn't matter.
I tried to be a good citizen but it didn't matter.
I tried to be a good person but it didn't matter.

None of it matters because my life is a mistake.  I never should have been born and all I can think about these days is rectifying that mistake because it's never going to get any better for me.  The universe doesn't want me here and neither do I.