Thursday, January 20, 2011

I went to therapy

I went to therapy today.  I didn't quit even though every part of my soul is telling me not to go back.  I've decided not to listen to myself.  I'm going back tomorrow.  I'm still so angry and hurt.  I feel so betrayed, but quitting isn't the best for me either I guess.  I used to like my therapist.  Now I don't know how I feel about her.  I shared some of my drawings with her today.  I pencil sketch, but I can only draw when I'm upset so most of my drawings are pretty dark and depressing.  Most people can't handle them.  I've gotten in trouble for them many times.  I showed them to my therapist hoping she could read them.  I was hoping they would tell her what I cannot.  Instead she talked about how great they are, how expressive.  That wasn't exactly what I was hoping she would take from them.  I was hoping she could see my heart in them.  I was hoping they would give her a peek inside my brain. 

I feel like my whole world is falling apart.  I just want it to stop.  I want it all to stop.  I have a plan, but I don't think that's a bad thing.  It's just a plan and ONLY a plan.  The only thing that makes me feel better sometimes is knowing that I have it.  I know it's there if I need it.  I don’t have to feel this way forever.  I know that I can go to sleep and never wake up.  I know I can stop hurting.  I know a way to feel better.  I will finally be okay.  It makes me feel better to know I have an escape if I need it.  Why is this a bad thing?  Why do people even care?  It’s not like I contribute anything to this world.  It’s not like I make any difference whatsoever.  All I do is take up space, too much space at that, and oxygen.  I am a waste of natural resources.  I am a waste of life.  The world would be a better place and a little less populated without me in it.  I’m not supposed to be here anyway.  My life was a mistake.  My birth was a mistake.  No one ever wanted me.  I'm the biggest fuck up that ever lived.  Literally.  I'm a great pretender but I contribute so very little to this world.  No one wants me here, so why do they care if I decide to leave?  It's just a plan.  It's a safety net.  It's just there to make me fee better.  It doesn't mean I'm actually going to put it into action.  As weird as that sounds, the plan helps keep me alive.  It helps me go on just a little bit longer.  It's saving my life.