Saturday, January 8, 2011

Flooded and empty

It’s hard for someone like me to have faith that things happen for a reason. I’m having a hard time accepting the road my life has traveled ends anywhere fabulous, or at least somewhere decent. My road is pointless and full of potholes. A dead end. It goes nowhere. It’s a circular I can’t get off. I go around and around, never getting anywhere.

I have to make my heart stop worrying. Stop feeling so much. I feel too much and I don’t feel enough. And it hurts to feel this much. It hurts to feel this much and feel so empty. Thoughts flood my brain like a tsunami. The current is too fast for me to stay on my feet. I keep clinging to random ideas that pass me, hoping to keep my head above the water. Hoping to find a boat or some land to stand on. Hoping to find safety. But it never comes and I am left floating without a life vest. It feels like the words in my head are playing my body like an instrument; strumming hard on my heart strings, tendons and ligaments, tapping my mind like a drum. Everything is so heavy on my chest. Restricting my breath. It’s so hard to breathe. Are my lungs still working? Is my heart still pumping?

It is like my mind is consumed with one of those “find the pictures” images where you have to find an image within an image. Only the images are based on my life. I analyze each picture over and over. I analyze every detail and subtle difference in every picture in hopes of finding all the answers or at least a clue. It’s all pointless really. Someone ripped out the answer page.

I guess I have to stop thinking I can change things, situations or people in my life. Things are what they are. People never change. I will never change. My life will always be this. Just this. Why can’t I accept that? This is all there is for me. I have to find a way to just accept it. But I can’t. I need more. I need…something else. I feel like a pilot light. I don't work unless there's a spark. And right now, there's no spark. I’m using all my fuel and never making a flame. Such a waste. My life is such a waste. Life has become a game that I no longer care to win. I don’t have any more strategies. I don’t have any more ideas. I don’t want to play anymore.