Thursday, January 27, 2011

"All the way around the world and back"

I'm not doing so well today.  I tried to fake it yesterday and today in therapy.  I was doing a pretty good job--I think.  I thought faking it was working.  I thought I was feeling a little bit better--just a little.  When I think maybe I'm starting to feel a little better the person that gave birth to me writes me a set of emails.  Now before anyone scolds me for not doing enough to cut contact, I really don't know what else to do.  I've switched email addresses so many times, and she often emails me through fake profiles on facebook.  I guess I could continue to switch my email address but it gets so confusing and so frustrating because she always finds a way.

Her first email was sent on Wednesday:

HEY PUMPKIN,

HOW COME YOU DONT WRITE ME NO MORE?  I MISS MY BLUE EYED GIRL. CALL ME. 

MOM
Her second email was sent a few hours ago:
Im tired of these head and heart games.  all you do is play games.  i dont want to talk to you enyways.  i was just trying to be nice.  my hole life would be better if i never had you.  the hole wrold would be better if you wernt here.  i should of got an abortion.  yous been nothing but trouble ur hole life.  how did create something so vile and discusting.  i feel so gulty that i subjected the world to you.  i always try to love you becuz i think maybe that will help you be a better person but you make it so hard.  i just cant do it eny more.  im better off with out you so stay out of my life.  Ali dont want you nether so stay away from her to!!!

mom
This is how it normally happens:  she sends me something sweet, I don't respond, and then she sends me something mean.  It's like she's two different people, right down to the writing.  She always sends me emails when I am the least able to handle them.  Right now I am falling apart.  Right now I am barley holding on--barley breathing.  I threw away my essential item for my plan yesterday but I bought more today.  Having it feels better than not having it right now.  It's the only thing that comforts me at all.

I hate these emails but I guess there is something comforting in them too.  They don't change.  It's like the same thing she used to do to me as a child, but this time it's only words on a screen.  It still hurts just as much though.  After everything I still have this deep desire for her to love me.  I have this deep desire to make her proud, to make her want me.  I've never been good at that.  I've never been good at love, at being lovable.  I've never been good at people.  My own mother cannot stand me.  I know that she's mentally ill, but she loves my siblings.  She doesn't treat them very nicely but she loves them and she tells them so quite often.  Why not me?  On Facebook she has listed all of her children on her profile, including my sister that died.  She included every one of my siblings except for me.  She doesn't consider me her child.  To her I am just the "creature" that ruined her life.  What makes me so different from my siblings?  When I was little she used to ask us "How much do you love me?"  And we'd open our bruised arms are as far as they could go and say, "All the way around the world and back."  I always meant it and even after everything in my life I still mean it.  I'm not able to turn my heart off for her.  Everyone seems to be able to turn their hearts off for me, but I've never been very good at that.  She's the one person I should be able to do that with, but I can't.  I hate her.  I hate her more than I hate anything in this world.  I can't stand her.  I want her to suffer.  I want her to disappear.  I want her to leave me alone. But I also love her.  I want her.  I want her so badly.  I want her and I want Maggie and I want CC and I want DC and I want all the other people I fell in love with as a child.  Just once I want to hear my mom say those words to me.  I want someone to tell me they love me "all the way around the world and back."  Despite my "attachment disorder" and lack of emotion I displayed as a child I always fell in love and I always wanted to be loved back.  Always.  When I fall in love it's forever.  Why doesn't anyone fall in love with me forever?  Twenty-something year old me wants my mom to tell me my life is worth living because right now I really don't believe it is.  Right now I need my mom to tell me she loves me and wants me because I'm freaking dying--from the inside out.