Thursday, December 23, 2010

Screwed up

Today my therapist said I was fucked up.  At first I just looked at her then said, "Oh wow!"  She burst out laughing realizing the way that sounded.  She continued, "Yes, you are fucked up in some ways, but so is everyone else.  Everyone is fucked up somehow.  I'm fucked up too."  I said, "You are?"  "I am," she replied. "Can you enlighten me?"  I asked.  I was half serious, but I knew she would just laugh.  For a moment I just sat there, percolating on what my therapist just said.

A few moments earlier we were talking about why no one ever adopted me or stayed in my life and I said there must be something wrong with me and that I am a total fuck up in life.  "The only thing I have ever wanted in life is a family and no amount of therapy can ever give me that."  I told her, "I screw up every good thing that comes into my life and I hate how I sabotage everything without even meaning to.  There is something seriously wrong with me."  She shifted in her chair, put her stylish heeled black boots firmly on the floor, leaned toward me and said,”I want to share your experience with you.  I want to be in it with you, but I'm kind of in a bind because I hate how you blame yourself for things that are not your fault.  You're so quick to take the blame and beat yourself up for everything.  It makes me angry.  I'm angry at all the people who have made you feel this way about yourself."  I said, "But it usually is my fault.  I screw up so much in my life.  I have messed up in almost every single relationship I have ever had.  There is something wrong with me that makes everyone go away.  No one wants to be in my life.  I'm seriously fucked up."  That's when she told me I was fucked up.

We laughed for a few minutes at the idea of a therapist telling a client they are fucked up and then she tried to compare foster homes getting rid of me to how she could never get rid of her new kitten.  Horrible analogy.  I told her, "You know you can never give this kitten away now since you compared him to me, right?"  She laughed told me that I was funny, and said she wouldn't ever give her kitten away. 

She then said that holding onto blame for everything is holding me back in life.  "How is that belief serving you?"  I don't really understand statements like that.  I can't just say nothing is ever my fault because usually it truly is, and it feels like a lie to tell myself it isn't.  I can lie to myself but I don't know how to believe this lie.  How do I believe a lie in order to feel better about myself?

The truth is I really do screw up in life--often.  I can't blame anyone but myself for those screw ups.  I push everyone away either by being too needy or too distant or a mixture of both.  I can't find the right balance.  I can't figure out how to be with people.  I am afraid to open up to people because I think they won't like me if they really knew me and at the same time it really sucks that I have so few close friends.  I desperately want close connections with other people but I always push people away without meaning to.  I don't have anyone in my life that won't go away if things get tough.  I don't have anyone that I can't push away.  I don't have a mom that will love me unconditionally.  I have screwed up my chances at having those types of relationships when I was a kid so the only kind of relationships I have left are friendships and I have no freaking clue how to make or keep friends.  I have no clue how not to be fucked up. 

I was afraid therapy would be so weird this week because it was so intense last week.  It was hard to go back today after telling her something so big.  Something I am so ashamed about, but it turned out okay.  Maybe my therapist really does care about me or maybe that's just wishful thinking.  Who knows.