Monday, December 20, 2010

Nothing

I have spent nearly the entire weekend in bed.  The only times I left the safety and comfort of my bed were to take my dogs out because we don't have a yard, and when my gf forced me to get out of bed and buy a new computer.  I think she thought it would cheer me up.  My last laptop was held together by tape and my gf had spilled coffee all over it.  Somehow it still works except for smelling like over roasted coffee and a few problems with sticky keys.  I really like my new laptop.  Normally I'd be so giddy and excited about a new electronic to play with.  I would open it up right away and ooh-and-awe at everything.  I'd be jumping around the apartment asking my gf to look at how awesome every little detail is, significant or not.  That's not how I reacted this time.  I actually really like the computer, but I have no excitement for it.  I didn't jump around.  I didn't open it right way.  I didn't play with it for hours.  I didn't ooh-and-awe.  I didn't brag about how much cooler my laptop is than my gf's.  This new laptop even has a fingerprint lock!  A freaking fingerprint lock! That's way cooler than anything in the apartment or even outside the apartment!  What is wrong with me?

I don’t know who I am anymore.  Not really.  I used to know exactly who I was and exactly what I wanted to do with my life.  I was so sure of myself.  I was witty and sarcastic.  I was smart or at least tried really hard to be.  I was motivated.  I was different and proud of it. Today I’m none of those things.  Today I feel like nothing.  I don’t know who I am.  I don’t know where I’m going or how I’ll get there.  I don’t recognize the person looking back at me in the bathroom mirror.  I don’t look like myself physically or mentally.  This person looking back at me is not really me.  I am trapped inside somewhere.  I’m just a passenger along for the ride. 
Today I can’t sleep or relax.  It’s as if I live in a pit of hungry alligators.  The minute I start to relax I panic that one of them will devour me.  I’m on alert at all times.  I can appear completely calm and happy but on the inside I’m preparing myself for battle.  I’m all over the place.  I’m standing still and smiling but my soul is frantically pacing and mumbling incoherently.  How did I get here?  How did I go from that confident, independent girl that didn’t care that she was without family, the girl who could handle anything life threw at her, to this creature with no motivation to get out of bed and live life?  How did I get here?  How do I go back to who I used to be?  I used to be so confident and so sure I was going to be successful in life.  Maybe college showed me that I wasn’t as smart as I thought I was.  Everyone else was just as smart.  I really wanted to be a veterinarian, but I got two B’s one semester and gave up because my adviser told me it would be impossible to get into vet school without a 4.0.  It’s not my adviser's fault.  I would have dropped the plan anyway.  That’s how I seem to work in life.  I get these grand ideas and I’m super motivated.  I work extremely hard, and I’m very determined to be a success, but the minute I make a mistake or fail at something, I kind of give up.  When I’m not perfect at something right away I get extremely angry and upset with myself.  I panic and I feel like a total failure.  I’ve had panic attacks over physics math problems.  I’ve thrown up over anxiety about exams.  I gave up vet school because I felt I wasn’t smart enough.  I got a degree in film production, but failed at that too.  It’s nearly impossible to get a job that pays the bills with a degree in film production.  Everyone wants you to work for free in this town.  I lost my plan in life.  I lost my motivation.  I lost myself.

I am nobody without a plan for success.  Every plan I have tried as an adult has failed.  I have failed.  I’m not good at being an adult.  I was good at being a child and a teenager.  I was successful as a child and a failure as an adult.  I was so resilient and strong before 18.  I worked hard and never felt sorry for myself.  Today I feel so weak and irrelevant.  I feel like a waste of space and oxygen. 

I feel so stunted in life.  I feel like such a failure.  My childhood is such a waste.  I suffered for nothing.   I wanted to become someone powerful and influential so I could say fuck you to my childhood.  “Look what I did despite you!”  That fantasy died with vet school and since then I’ve just been floating aimlessly in life, latching onto ideas here and there, but not for very long.  I think this blog might be the idea I’ve stayed with the longest lately and it’s just self indulgent drivel that I’m surprised other people read.

Why am I alive?  What purpose does my life serve?  I’m not ever going to be powerful and influential.  I’m not ever going to make a difference in the world.  I’m not ever going to be someone important.  Why would someone like me ever be born?  It just seems like a cruel joke.  My life is not worth it.  I’m not worth it.  Sometimes I just really don’t want to be here.  I’m not suicidal so please think I’m going to hurt myself.  I won’t.  I would never do that to my amazing gf or my animals.  I don’t know how or why she’s stayed with me for so long.  It only works because I keep her at a distance to protect her.  She doesn’t need to know about what I carry around.  It’s too heavy to unload on her although I know if/when she reads this she'll say she can handle it.  I’m just so tired of hurting.  I’m tired of pretending that there is someone worth knowing underneath all of this, but there really isn’t anything else in here.  I want to be more, but I’m just this.  Nothing.