Today we talked about how disconnected I am from my own emotions and thoughts. Most of the time I have no idea what I'm feeling, I will know that I'm not feeling good, that I'm feeling upset, but I don't know what kind of upset or why. I don't know if I'm sad or angry or scared. Usually it manifests itself into anxiety. I don't know what is making me feel bad. I don't know what triggers my emotions. Sometimes I really don't want to know. Maybe that's the problem. We talked about why knowing these things is important even if it's not necessarily something I really desire to know. My therapist made quite a lot of analogies to help me understand her points. That's really just what she does. She really should change her title from therapist to analogist. It's okay though, because I think it's cute. I roll my eyes in protest every time she launches into a new long, drawn out analogy, but secretly I like it. I like it because I think it's cute and because it give me a break from talking, and maybe it also provides a little bit of comic relief.
WHY? My therapist wants to know why it's so important for me to be able to answer that for myself. I don't have the answer to that except maybe it's because it's still happening to me! There is not ONE person who has known me for my entire life. There is not even one person that has known me for half my life and I'm not that old. Nobody stays in my life for very long. There is something obviously wrong with me and I want to fix it. No one wanted me as a child and no one wants me as an adult. Everyone leaves. Everyone decides I'm not worth the effort. Everyone grows tired of me eventually. No one can love me for very long, not even people who share my DNA. I just want to know WHY. I want to know what is wrong with me so maybe I can fix it. I desperately want a connection with people. Despite what my last blog post was about, I don't need everyone to know where I came from. I just need someone to love me and not go away. I just need someone to decide to keep me. I just need someone to want me... no matter what. I just need someone to stay.