Friday, December 3, 2010

My Father

Therapy was okay today despite the fact that I cried a little.  I felt like my therapist finally understood me.  We were connected for a little while, but I can't say what was different about today.  Maybe I was just more willing to accept the connection she's been offering me or maybe she just finally got it-- got me.  Maybe I just imagined the whole thing.  I don't know.

Today we talked about how disconnected I am from my own emotions and thoughts.  Most of the time I have no idea what I'm feeling, I will know that I'm not feeling good, that I'm feeling upset, but I don't know what kind of upset or why.  I don't know if I'm sad or angry or scared.  Usually it manifests itself into anxiety.  I don't know what is making me feel bad.  I don't know what triggers my emotions.  Sometimes I really don't want to know.  Maybe that's the problem.  We talked about why knowing these things is important even if it's not necessarily something I really desire to know.  My therapist made quite a lot of analogies to help me understand her points.  That's really just what she does.  She really should change her title from therapist to analogist.  It's okay though, because I think it's cute.  I roll my eyes in protest every time she launches into a new long, drawn out analogy, but secretly I like it.  I like it because I think it's cute and because it give me a break from talking, and maybe it also provides a little bit of comic relief. 

After a while I felt brave enough to tell her what has really been on my mind lately-- My biological father.  In May of this year I found my biological father.  It's quite a weird story how I found him, but I'll save it for another entry.  Basically I had given up my search for him and then found him by accident.  Actually I found his sister who was super sweet to me.  She remembered my mother and she was so amazingly accepting toward me.  It was a bit of a fairytale and I thought I had finally found my family and it was my REAL family.  A family that I look exactly like too.  There is no questioning if my sisters and I are related.  We look so much alike.  I've never had that before.  I look nothing like my mother and my other half brothers and sisters are all of mixed races so I don't really look like them either.  I was so happy and so scared.  I had dreamed about this my entire life.  I used to talk to my father all the time on my pretend telephone as a child.  We were always making plans to go to Disneyland, or horseback riding, or to swim with dolphins.  I was a little obsessed with "Flipper" reruns as a kid.

Once the paternity test came back positive, I thought it was all going to be exactly what I always dreamed of.  I thought that piece of paper was the answer to everything.  It wasn't.  Soon, as I had expected but hoped wouldn't happen, everyone lost interest in me.  My father is not really that great of a person.  He's been in and out of prison, has done a lot of drugs, and is pretty much the definition of white trash but still-- he was trying and he is my father.  He was calling me once every week or two.  His calls were very weird and a bit forced, but he was putting in an effort.  He talked to me as if he's been in my life from the beginning and I don't mean that in a good way.  He never seemed interested in my life.  He never asked me any questions about my life or my childhood or even the normal generic questions like what's my favorite color or favorite food.  He just was not interested in ME.  We always talked about his life and his job and Nascar.  I don't know anything about Nascar except they drive around a circle for hours.  Sometimes he would tell really racist and homophobic jokes and laugh and I would just listen.  It didn't really matter what he was saying.  It only mattered that he was talking to me.  My father was talking to me.  Despite feeling sad and maybe a little angry about the lack of connection (is this what I was feeling?  to be honest, I'm not exactly sure), he was trying.  He was calling me.  He was putting in an effort so I thought I mattered to him.  I thought he cared about me.  I was thinking about maybe flying out to meet him in person someday soon.  Since finding my father I have also found two sisters, an aunt, an uncle and a bunch of cousins.  They all seemed so interested in getting to know me at first but like everyone else in my life they decided they didn't want me after all.  The phone calls from my father have stopped.  The BBQ my uncle promised to throw me never happened and his phone calls turned to text messages, then to nothing at all.  My aunt was emailing every single day in the beginning saying really sweet things like "I just knew you were ours."  Or "I'm so happy you are ours and we can be your family."  I was really more excited to find her than I was to find my father.  Her emails have stopped.  Her text messages have stopped.  Her facebook messages have stopped.  My older sister from my dad asked me to sign a lease for her and to give her $600 after only meeting me in person one time and when I couldn't, she lost interest in me too.  Everyone loses interest in me.  I don't understand why.  I want to know what is so wrong with me.  Why don't people want me?  Why do people always leave? 

WHY?  My therapist wants to know why it's so important for me to be able to answer that for myself.  I don't have the answer to that except maybe it's because it's still happening to me!  There is not ONE person who has known me for my entire life.  There is not even one person that has known me for half my life and I'm not that old.  Nobody stays in my life for very long.  There is something obviously wrong with me and I want to fix it.  No one wanted me as a child and no one wants me as an adult.  Everyone leaves.  Everyone decides I'm not worth the effort.  Everyone grows tired of me eventually.  No one can love me for very long, not even people who share my DNA.  I just want to know WHY.  I want to know what is wrong with me so maybe I can fix it.  I desperately want a connection with people.  Despite what my last blog post was about, I don't need everyone to know where I came from.  I just need someone to love me and not go away.  I just need someone to decide to keep me.  I just need someone to want me... no matter what.  I just need someone to stay.