Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I need you to love me enough to leave me alone

Dear Mama,

You tell me that I ruined your childhood because I was born when you were 17.  I didn’t choose to be born.  I didn’t choose for you to keep me.  I didn’t choose to come so early in your life.  I didn’t choose to ruin your childhood.  You created me.  You gave life to me.  It was your choice.  It was your decision.  I was a baby--your baby.  I needed you.  You tell me that it is my fault that my brothers and sisters were put in foster care.  They were put in foster care because of your actions, your drug use, your abuse, your neglect.  They were put in foster care because of you not because of your little girl.  They grew up without a mom because of YOU.  You blame me for the actions of grown men when you knew what was happening.  You let me be abused.  You abused me.  You locked me in closets.  You starved me.  You beat me.  You told me I was worthless every single day.  I know you are a horrible mother.  I know you are a horrible person.  I know this.  I know this in my very core, but I can’t connect my mind and my heart.  I can’t make myself hate you.  I can’t make myself stop wanting you. 

Since the day I was born, I have yearned for you.  I yearned for you to hold me and comfort me.  I have yearned for you to love me.  I wanted to be yours.  I wanted to be your special girl--your pumpkin.  I wanted to be worthy of your love.  I tried so hard to be who you wanted me to be but I was never good enough.  I always messed it up somehow.   I always made you angry.  You have always hated me.  Remember when I tried to make you breakfast in bed and burned a giant hole in the counter with the frying pan?  You were so angry you ripped my shirt off, little yellow duckling shaped buttons flying everywhere, and beat me with a ping pong paddle.  The welts on my back hurt so bad but I tried not to cry because I knew you didn’t like it when I cried.  I wanted to show you how strong I could be.  I wanted to be strong for you. I wanted to be what you wanted me to be no matter what the cost. 

When you tell me how much you hate me, how much you wish I were dead or that you wish I was never born, a part of me dies inside, even today.  My therapist says that you are mentally ill and delusional.  While I know she is right, it still kills me to know you feel that way about me.  It doesn’t matter that you locked me in closets.  It doesn’t matter that you beat me, slammed me into walls, and watched other people abuse me.  It doesn’t matter that you tell me you hate me.  It doesn’t matter that you want me to die.  You are my biological mother.  The only biological mother I will ever have and I still love you.  I still want you to love me.  I still want my mama. I still want you to hold me.  I still want you to kiss my forehead.  I still want you to be proud of me.  I still want YOU and I still want you to want me.  I want to be a part of your life.  I want you.  Why don’t you want me?  Why don’t you love me? 

It seems so easy for other people to dismiss your words and actions as those of a mentally ill woman and intellectually I know they are right.  I know it’s just the mental illness speaking, but it’s not so easy for me.  I wish it were easy for me to dismiss you and everything you say as the ramblings of a mad woman.  It’s not so easy for me.  I still see my mama telling me she hates me and wishes I were dead.  I see my mother blaming me for things beyond my control.  I see the one person who is supposed to love me unconditionally tell me how much she hates me.

Mama, if you are in there at all.  If any part of you has ever loved me.  If you can bring yourself to care about me even just a little bit, can you please go away?  Can you please stop emailing me?  As much as it hurts to say that I need you to leave me alone, it hurts much more to be reminded how much you hate me.  It hurts too much to know that you are out there thinking about me, and these are the thoughts you have.  It hurts so much more than I can put into words.  I will always love you.  I will always yearn for you.  I will always cry for you to hold me when I am upset, but I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t keep reading your emails.  You aren’t my mom.  My mom has never existed outside my own head.  You’ll never be the mom I have always needed.  You’ll never love me the way I need you to, so if there is any love in your heart for me, even just a tiny bit, I need you to do a huge favor for me.  I need you to love me enough to let me live my life.  I need you to love me enough to leave me alone.


little me