Saturday, December 18, 2010

Consumed

Therapy on Thursday and Friday was so intense.  I finally opened up to my therapist.  Granted I had to do it by showing her a horrible email I wrote to a former foster mother, but I still shared with her and she knows in detail now about something that haunts me today.  I cried and so did my therapist.  I don't know if she was crying for me or herself, but she was crying, red eyes, tears and all.   

I thought sharing this email and this time of my life would make me feel better.  I thought crying about it would release me from it, but it didn't.  I feel worse.  I feel consumed by it.  I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff, frantically waving my arms to keep my balance in order to stay upright.  My therapist asked me if I still wish I had died when I was 12 and I told her sometimes I really do.  Sometimes it's all I can think about.  But I'm not suicidal so please don't worry about me.

It doesn't help that it's Christmas time.  This is the time of year when my yearning for a family is it's most intense and seeing other people enjoy their family is the most painful.  It's not that I am yearning for a family today, although I really am, but I am yearning for a family for the little girl I once was.  I am yearning for an answer to why no one wanted me as a child.  I am yearning for an answer to why I was never loved--enough.  I am yearning for an answer to why no one ever chose me.  You see, it's almost worse in my eyes that no one chose me because I was a good student and a good kid.  At least if I had been acting out I could blame it on that.  I could say, no one chose me because I was too crazy or I was too difficult.  I can't say that because I tried so hard to be perfect.  No one wanted me despite how hard I tried to be what they wanted me to be.  No one loved me at my best.  How can anyone love me now when I really have nothing to offer the world?  I'm not little.  I'm not cute.  I'm not smart.  I'm not that good little student anymore.  I'm not a violinist.  I'm not an athlete.  I'm not anything special anymore.  I'm just this.  I'm just me. Why would ANYONE want that?