Saturday, December 18, 2010
I thought sharing this email and this time of my life would make me feel better. I thought crying about it would release me from it, but it didn't. I feel worse. I feel consumed by it. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff, frantically waving my arms to keep my balance in order to stay upright. My therapist asked me if I still wish I had died when I was 12 and I told her sometimes I really do. Sometimes it's all I can think about. But I'm not suicidal so please don't worry about me.
It doesn't help that it's Christmas time. This is the time of year when my yearning for a family is it's most intense and seeing other people enjoy their family is the most painful. It's not that I am yearning for a family today, although I really am, but I am yearning for a family for the little girl I once was. I am yearning for an answer to why no one wanted me as a child. I am yearning for an answer to why I was never loved--enough. I am yearning for an answer to why no one ever chose me. You see, it's almost worse in my eyes that no one chose me because I was a good student and a good kid. At least if I had been acting out I could blame it on that. I could say, no one chose me because I was too crazy or I was too difficult. I can't say that because I tried so hard to be perfect. No one wanted me despite how hard I tried to be what they wanted me to be. No one loved me at my best. How can anyone love me now when I really have nothing to offer the world? I'm not little. I'm not cute. I'm not smart. I'm not that good little student anymore. I'm not a violinist. I'm not an athlete. I'm not anything special anymore. I'm just this. I'm just me. Why would ANYONE want that?