Monday, November 22, 2010

Overwhelmed with words

Schizophrenia is swallowing her alive.  She's drowning and all I can do is watch her disappear into the deep.  All I can do is watch this invisible monster take my little sister away.  I reach out for her but she's too far gone to take my hand.  I so desperately want to save her.  I want to rescue her from her own brain.  Why does this have to happen to her?  Why her?  Why her and not me?

I called her a few moments ago just to check in and see what she has been up to lately.  I also wanted to make sure she had somewhere to go on Thanksgiving.  I dread talking to her and then I feel guilty about it.  I'm such a selfish person.  "Hey (her name), what are you up to?"  She responds slowly with unnecessary pregnant pauses every few words.  Instead of greeting me back, she launches into a story.  "I did something really big.  People are writing back to me as a common courtesy for using my music.  I hear them on the radio all the time.  It's blowing my mind."  I am utterly confused so I ask her to explain more.  "Well, you know how people are taking my music and artist have been playing it for years?  Well now they are writing back to me."  I still didn't understand so I asked, "(Her Name), do you mean they are writing you letters, emails?"  Her breathing quickens and she sighs with force ever few seconds.  She's getting frustrated.  "No, they are writing me back through the music.  They are writing me back through themes and lyrics," She says almost through clenched teeth. "Oh, okay," I say and change the subject.  "How are you otherwise?"  She was silent for quite a awhile.  Is she upset?  Is she thinking?  I called out her name to prompt her to answer.  "I'm overwhelming myself with information and I'm not eating because I'm glued... I worry about things and I think too much to remind myself that I need food... and it's starting to... really... get.... to... my concentration and I don't know.  I'm overwhelmed with words... I turned myself into a monster... but if words are the only human form of communication I think I did something really big.

No matter how I tried to swing the conversation, she always guided it back.  "You're not going to believe me anyway," she kept saying, but she couldn't resist talking about it.  How can I feel sorry for myself when my sister is so lost and so alone?  I don't know how to handle this.   I don't know how to make this better. The only way I know how to take care of people is to fix things for them but I can't fix this.  Will anyone fix this?  Will medication fix this?  I have to fix this.  

I never really got to know my sister, not really.  Our time together was stolen by foster homes and foreign countries.  I want to go back in time and cherish the moments I had with her.  I want to study who she used to be so I can remember my sister... so I can remember who she really is.  I want to remember who she was before this alien possessed her body.  I remember less and less everyday.  I want to hold onto those memories.  I want to hold onto my sister for just a little while longer.

I feel so lost.  I wonder what it feels like to be her, to be a prisoner in your own delusions?  What can I do for my sister?  She won't listen to anything I tell her.  I want to protect her from herself but I can't.  She parties, drinks, smokes, and gets herself into dangerous situations.  Just a few months ago she was assaulted.  I begged her to move to California.  I want to keep her safe, but how can I do that if she's so far away and won't listen to anything I say?  Today she told me she's started smoking marijuana again because her anxiety medication isn't helping her relax.  "OMG, what is wrong with you?!"  I want to scream at her, but instead I say nothing. 

I feel like a horrible person because part of me hates her.  I hate her for hurting me.  I hate her for being schizophrenic.  I hate her for constantly making bad decisions.  I hate her for adding difficulty to my life.  I hate her for never being here for me.  I hate that our relationship is always about her and her mental illness.  I hate her for leaving me.  I want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her until she stops it.  I want to shake the schizophrenia away.  Why can't she just realize that her thoughts are delusional?  Why can't she realize that her thoughts are bizarre and impossible?  How is it possible that she can recognize fiction and fantasy in the world, but she's oblivious to her own delusions?  What am I supposed to do?  I want my sister back.  I want that sweet, goofy little girl back.  Is she gone for good?  Will I ever see her again?  I miss her so much.  Why did she leave me?