Sunday, November 14, 2010

Folk Music and Cigarettes

There is something deeply satisfying about puffing on a cigarette and watching that white and gray cloud exit your lips as you exhale.  It's so relaxing.  That's the only thing I miss about smoking.  I don't need the nicotine.  I don't need the taste.  Nor do I need the smell, but I miss that puffy white cloud of smoke dancing on my tongue.  I miss the act of smoking.  I miss that slight distraction it provides during social situations.  That small act was just enough distraction to lower my anxiety level just enough that I could actually enjoy myself.  I only smoked for a year or two and only in social situations but I had to stop because I kept getting throat infections and headaches.  It's probably a good thing. 

But I don't want to write about smoking.  I'm only thinking about smoking because last night I saw my favorite musician perform live at Spaceland in Silverlake.  There were a lot of smokers there.  Spaceland is this cute alternative bar with a stage for live performances.  I felt like such an outsider amongst the fedora clad hipsters with their skinny jeans, plaid shirts and funky asymmetrical haircuts.  I am jealous that they seem to really know who they are, or maybe it just appears that way.  Maybe they latch on to the hipster image because they don't know who they really are on the inside, so they need to define themselves on the outside.  I suppose that is possible.  I just really desire some sort of concrete identity.  I desire a group of people where I clearly belong--where I feel totally comfortable and accepted.

Chris Pureka, my all time favorite girl with a guitar, began to perform on the stage.  The loud, chatty crowd suddenly quieted.  She is amazing and it doesn't hurt that's she's adorable too.  There is no time in my life where I feel more at ease--more inner peace than I do when a talented independent musician is playing in front of me.  For some reason I am able to just let go and enjoy the music.  All the traffic and congestion inside my brain just stops and I feel...nothing, but a good kind of nothing.  I listened to Chris Pureka and quietly sang along into my margarita, a bit lost in my own world.  I feel content in this world amongst dancing hipsters and folk music.  I feel moved and alive.  Maybe that's why I miss my violin.  I miss how it quiets my brain.  I miss feeling normal.  I miss the time in my life where I was able to avoid my torment.  Is it therapy that is doing this to me or have I just begun to explode from the inside out?  Maybe I've reached my emotional maximum capacity and now I need to purge.  I need an emotional purging.  I want to stick my finger down my throat and expel everything.  Is that what I need?  I don't know.  I don't have a clue. 

Friday was a very hard day for me.  From 12 AM Friday night until about 3pm Friday afternoon I cried.  It really scared me because I couldn't stop.  I tried everything--a hot bath, calming tea, some fresh air.  Nothing helped.  The minute I thought I had gained some calm and self control, I'd break down again.  I cried uncontrollably, but I really didn't know why.  Not really-- well, not totally anyway.  I think I cried because I discovered something about myself -- I'm lonely.  It seems odd that this is the first time I am aware of this feeling because I think I've felt lonely my entire life.  I feel lonely for someone who understands me.  I have great friends and a great girlfriend but I don't really have anyone in my life that truly empathizes with where I've been or anyone I can truly be totally open with.  There is no one in my life that REALLY knows me. 

When friends share stories about their families, I am uncomfortable.  Perhaps I am also a bit sad.  I'm not sad that I don't have happy family stories too.  Well, I am, but I'm more sad that I can't understand their stories.  I can't share in their experiences and connect with them.  I can't share stories from my own life because they are always negative and make other people uncomfortable.  They cannot connect with my stories either.  I don't want to be a negative person, despite what this blog has become lately.  All I want is a way to just be.  All I want in life is health, happiness, and family.  That's really all I need.  I want to find a way to survive and thrive and be myself and connect with other people.  I want to find a way to accept who I am and where I've been and not be ashamed of it.  But how do I do that?  How can I find a way too see in the dark?  No--how can I find a way out of all this darkness in my life right now?  I am trapped here and I'm dying.  I'm dying to find a way to live.  I'm dying to find a purpose, a passion, and a way to a healthy productive life.  In the mean time, how do I survive?  How do I survive the darkness?  How do I survive the lonely?