Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I know my mother is telling my sister a lot of horrible things about me. That's how she bonds with everyone else. They find a common hatred for me. I wish I knew what it is I have done to deserve all this hatred. She did that with my other brothers and sisters too and for a while they all hated me. They all hated me so much they felt the need to post about it publicly in places they knew I would look--facebook and myspace. Now Ali is going to hate me too. I don't even know what she's telling her so I can't defend myself. I don't know what lies she's making up. What must my youngest sister think of me now? I don't understand why my mother hates me so much. I've only seen her one time as an adult. I wrote about that time in my post titled "Mother." Before that one visit I hadn't seen her since I was 8 years old. She's always hated me. Even when I was a small child she hated me. She locked me in closets, beat me, and told me I was a worthless girl that ruined her life and that she couldn't stand me. I was hideous, ugly, stupid, worthless. She writes me an email a few times a month to remind me how much she hates me--how much she wishes I were dead. How much she doesn't want me and that no one ever wanted me. The thing is-- she's right! Her emails are cruel but they are freaking accurate. Her emails are mean but they are honest.
My sister Ali has gotten everything I haven't in life. A family, a stable home, a good education. She grew up in ONE house with ONE mom and ONE dad. I can't even imagine what that would be like. What would it be like to sleep in the same room every night? What would it be like to have your own bed? She has EVERYTHING and now she gets to have my mom. My mom's messages to her on facebook were so sweet. She's never been sweet to me. Ali gets her own mom, dad, seven brothers and sisters--her own huge happy family and now she gets to have my mom on top of all of that. She gets to have the mom I never knew. A mom that is sweet and wants to know her. She gets to have my fantasy mom on top of her adopted family. WHY? Why don't I deserve that? Why does she get everything and I get nothing? I know these feelings are totally stupid and irrational but I can't make them go away. I can't stop thinking about it. Nothing is helping me get over it. Working out does nothing. Eating does nothing. Taking a bath does nothing except make me look at my legs and think about cutting them. I hate her. Why doesn't she want me? I hate them both. I hate myself. I wish I was never born.