Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Facebook

Facebook in an interesting place.  It's almost a necessity in today's world.  You almost have to have a facebook in order to have friends and to keep in touch.  I would feel so lonely if I didn't have a facebook.  I think my life would feel emptier.  I know that makes no sense because I'm not really connecting with people beyond a superficial level.  Facebook makes me feel like I have more friends than I really do.  Facebook allowed people to find and contact me, whether I wanted it or not.  Facebook is a catch 22.  Nearly everyone has one.  You need one to keep in contact with people, but facebook also decreases face to face contact with your friends.  Facebook creates drama and decreases your privacy.

I logged on to facebook about an hour ago and was assaulted with my mother's name and image.  She was all over my computer screen.  I was shocked to see my biological mother's face show up in my friend feed.  My heart began to race.  Why is she on my page?  I don't have any mutual friends with her, do I?  Than I noticed that the mutual friend was my littlest sister.  This made me feel like crap.  My sister has rejected every single attempt I've made to connect with her.  She responds to me if I contact her first but doesn't reach out to me at all.  I have sent her long emails and I get two word answers in return.  She was very actively communicating with my mother--our mother-- on these posts.  They were exchanging sweet little messages with each other.  She prefers a woman convicted of felony child abuse over me.  A woman that spent years in prison for child abuse.  A woman arrested over and over again for drugs, abuse, and other things.  A woman who beat her children, who chose her drugs and lifestyle over them.  A woman who cares about nothing but herself.  A woman who cons churches into helping her.  Right now my mother is a member of the Mormon church AND she is a Jehovah's Witness.  She does this for the handouts they give her.  I'm less desirable than a convicted child abuser, drug addict, and con-artist.  I looked at their playful facebook posts to one another and then I deleted my youngest sister from my friends.  I can't look at this stuff.  It makes me anxious.  It makes me angry.  It makes me wish I were dead.  It makes me feel like crap.  I don't need her in my life.  I wish she had never found me on facebook.  Why did she look for me if she didn't want to have contact with me?  Why doesn't she want to know me?  

I know my mother is telling my sister a lot of horrible things about me.  That's how she bonds with everyone else.  They find a common hatred for me.  I wish I knew what it is I have done to deserve all this hatred.  She did that with my other brothers and sisters too and for a while they all hated me.  They all hated me so much they felt the need to post about it publicly in places they knew I would look--facebook and myspace.  Now Ali is going to hate me too.  I don't even know what she's telling her so I can't defend myself.  I don't know what lies she's making up.  What must my youngest sister think of me now?  I don't understand why my mother hates me so much.  I've only seen her one time as an adult.  I wrote about that time in my post titled "Mother."  Before that one visit I hadn't seen her since I was 8 years old.  She's always hated me.  Even when I was a small child she hated me.  She locked me in closets, beat me, and told me I was a worthless girl that ruined her life and that she couldn't stand me.  I was hideous, ugly, stupid, worthless.  She writes me an email a few times a month to remind me how much she hates me--how much she wishes I were dead.  How much she doesn't want me and that no one ever wanted me.  The thing is-- she's right!  Her emails are cruel but they are freaking accurate.  Her emails are mean but they are honest. 

My sister Ali has gotten everything I haven't in life.  A family, a stable home, a good education.  She grew up in ONE house with ONE mom and ONE dad.  I can't even imagine what that would be like.  What would it be like to sleep in the same room every night?  What would it be like to have your own bed?  She has EVERYTHING and now she gets to have my mom.  My mom's messages to her on facebook were so sweet.  She's never been sweet to me.  Ali gets her own mom, dad, seven brothers and sisters--her own huge happy family and now she gets to have my mom on top of all of that.  She gets to have the mom I never knew.  A mom that is sweet and wants to know her.  She gets to have my fantasy mom on top of her adopted family.  WHY?  Why don't I deserve that?  Why does she get everything and I get nothing?  I know these feelings are totally stupid and irrational but I can't make them go away.  I can't stop thinking about it.  Nothing is helping me get over it.  Working out does nothing.  Eating does nothing.  Taking a bath does nothing except make me look at my legs and think about cutting them.  I hate her.  Why doesn't she want me?  I hate them both.  I hate myself.  I wish I was never born.