Monday, October 18, 2010
I need to preface this blog by saying that I don't want to hurt feelings. The problem is mine. The people who do the things for me that I'm about to write about are amazing people and I care very deeply about them. The fact that they do them means a lot to me. It really does! I am the one that is fucked up. I am the one that can't handle good things in my life. I am the one that doesn't deserve you.
Whenever someone pays me a compliment or just says something generally nice about me, it upsets me and makes me hate myself. When someone insults me, or says bad things about me, I don't really care that much. It really doesn't bother me. I couldn't careless that they are insulting me. "Yeah, so?" Is my general reaction.
I don't understand this. It's been this way since I was really young. One of my group homes used to make me say affirmations four times a day before I was allowed to do certain things like make a phone call, go to bed, have a snack, etc... The things I had to say would not be that big of a deal to most people but they literally made me feel sick. I had to say things similar to "I'm a very smart girl. I have amazing gifts. I draw really well. I'm an amazing violinist. I'm really funny. People like me." Every time I said these things I would choke back tears. It was as if the words themselves hurt when they passed my lips. I know this isn't normal. Most people love to be told good things about themselves. Why is it that I would rather be told I'm a worthless piece of garbage than have someone tell me how much they love me?
It's not that I'm not touched when people go out of their way to tell me something good. I am. Some part of me knows that they must really care about me to do that, but the bigger part of me can't handle it. I become extremely anxious. I don't like to hear that someone cares about me. It freaks me out. I don't know what to do with that information.