Monday, October 18, 2010

Worthless



I need to preface this blog by saying that I don't want to hurt feelings.  The problem is mine.  The people who do the things for me that I'm about to write about are amazing people and I care very deeply about them.  The fact that they do them means a lot to me.  It really does!  I am the one that is fucked up.  I am the one that can't handle good things in my life.  I am the one that doesn't deserve you.




Whenever someone pays me a compliment or just says something generally nice about me, it upsets me and makes me hate myself.  When someone insults me, or says bad things about me, I don't really care that much.  It really doesn't bother me.  I couldn't careless that they are insulting me.  "Yeah, so?"  Is my general reaction.

I don't understand this.  It's been this way since I was really young.  One of my group homes used to make me say affirmations four times a day before I was allowed to do certain things like make a phone call, go to bed, have a snack, etc...  The things I had to say would not be that big of a deal to most people but they literally made me feel sick.  I had to say things similar to "I'm a very smart girl.  I have amazing gifts.  I draw really well.  I'm an amazing violinist.  I'm really funny.  People like me."  Every time I said these things I would choke back tears.  It was as if the words themselves hurt when they passed my lips.  I know this isn't normal.  Most people love to be told good things about themselves.  Why is it that I would rather be told I'm a worthless piece of garbage than have someone tell me how much they love me?

It's not that I'm not touched when people go out of their way to tell me something good.  I am.  Some part of me knows that they must really care about me to do that, but the bigger part of me can't handle it.  I become extremely anxious.  I don't like to hear that someone cares about me.  It freaks me out.  I don't know what to do with that information.

Why does someone telling me that they love me make me hate myself?  That has to be the most fucked up thing ever.  I received the most amazing email Friday night from an amazing friend to replace the one that my mother sent to me.  It was the best letter I've ever received in my life.  The email means a lot to me and I'm going to cherish it forever.  I really am.  I am just worried that my initial reaction to the email was not a positive one.  I beat myself up for the email all day the next day.  I felt worthless and manipulative.  I felt like garbage.  I felt like a liar.  I felt like a fraud.  I wanted to cut myself.  I wanted to punish myself for this email.  I didn't deserve all the effort and love that went into it.  I don't deserve this friend. 

Another friend and I have this sort of late night texting relationship.  I'm lucky to have a friend that is as much an insomniac as I am because it's so much easier to pass the time when you have long meaningful text messages with someone you care about all night verses staring at the ceiling wishing you could beat the crap out of your brain for not falling asleep.  She wanted to tell me about how much she cares about me last night and I couldn't handle it.  I countered every sweet thing she said with something horrible about myself.  She tells me I'm amazing and I say I'm a really fucked up person, that I wouldn't want to be my friend or sister either.  She continues with the sweet words and I continue to tell her why she shouldn't feel that way about me.  I tell her that even when I try to do something amazing for someone else, like give them my eggs so they can have a baby, I cause severe pain to them.  I tell her that I'm a horrible human being.  Why do I do this?  I know it's not normal.  It's not normal to try to convince someone not to love you.