Saturday, October 2, 2010

Is it really Saturday?

I've been laying in bed all day, drifting to sleep for a few minutes every so often.  My girlfriend thinks I must feel refreshed after sleeping all this time.  She doesn't realize that I haven't really been sleeping.

My dreams have been severe lately.  They wake me up all night long.  Sometimes I think if I just lay here long enough I will pass out.  Out of sheer boredom.  Sometimes I do.  My dreams linger, the images float above my head in my half sleep state.  Go away!  I don't want to see this stuff anymore.  The images stand their ground and now I'm angry and determined to fall asleep.  I will not let them win!

My therapy session yesterday was horrible.  I told my therapist I wasn't sure I was going to come back, that I'm not sure she can relate to me.  Her demeanor changed.  Did I make her feel bad?  I hope not.

I told her about something that happened because of me in the Middle East and she kept trying to make me the victim in the the story.  I guess she believes a child could never do something so cruel.  But I did!  I want her to see that and help me change that part of me.  "If I can be so cruel at such a young age what does that mean about me today?"  I need to change that part of me.  The part of me nobody wants.  I cried in therapy.  I never cry.  Not in five months of therapy.  I felt the pressure building.  I tilted my head back  to prevent any leakage.  It didn't work. I took a drink from my water bottle.  It didn't work.  The pressure was still building.  I was worried I might explode.  A giant tear fell from my eye and into my lap.  It didn't even run down my cheek.  More followed.  I was silent after that. My therapist said, "I know this is hard but I'm so here for you."  Sweet.  Not really true, but still very sweet.  I don't know if I'm going to go back.  Part of me is too ashamed.  I'm not sure why.  My tears maybe?  Part of me is too angry.  It's been five months and I still feel like I'm falling apart.  Fix me already!  I'm too tired to continue this way!

I need a new brain.  A brain that doesn't stay awake for three days at a time.  I need a new brain with a properly functioning hippocampus.