Thursday, October 7, 2010
I need more
I don't think traditional therapy works for me. I can't open myself up to a relationship I know is temporary. I can barely have relationships that don't have time limits stamped on them. Even with the relationships I currently have I don't fully attach. I'm always ready for them to be over and I won't be sad when they are. Usually I'm the first one to leave. I detach first.
I can't let myself be vulnerable with someone I know nothing about, someone I know is going away. Someone I know doesn't care about me. I need a more mutual relationship. I need someone I know won't go away when it gets difficult. I need someone that I care about-- that I can let myself care about. I need someone that actually cares about me in return. Maybe therapy isn't the answer for me, but what other options do I have? What will fix me? I'm so tired and I'm totally losing hope. I can't go on like this forever. I pretty much reached my limit a year before I even sought out therapy. Therapy has made it worse not better. I just have this desire to runaway. Where would I go? I can't runaway because I am the problem. The problem is inside my own head. I'm at maximum capacity and the thought of continuing this way scares me to death.