Thursday, October 7, 2010

I need more

I need something more in therapy but I'm not sure what that something is.  I asked my therapist how therapy is supposed to help me exactly and she said that through my relationship with her I will learn to have relationships with other people and I will learn to let myself have feelings and learn to recognize those feelings.  I will become more connected with what's happening inside my head.  I don't understand this.  I don't think traditional therapy works for me.  It's been five months and I have not had any progress whatsoever.  I've been going to her twice a week for FIVE MONTHS!  Shouldn't I feel different by now?  Even just a little bit? 

I don't think traditional therapy works for me.  I can't open myself up to a relationship I know is temporary.  I can barely have relationships that don't have time limits stamped on them.  Even with the relationships I currently have I don't fully attach.  I'm always ready for them to be over and I won't be sad when they are.  Usually I'm the first one to leave.  I detach first.

I can't let myself be vulnerable with someone I know nothing about, someone I know is going away.  Someone I know doesn't care about me.  I need a more mutual relationship.  I need someone I know won't go away when it gets difficult.  I need someone that I care about-- that I can let myself care about.  I need someone that actually cares about me in return.  Maybe therapy isn't the answer for me, but what other options do I have?  What will fix me?  I'm so tired and I'm totally losing hope.  I can't go on like this forever.  I pretty much reached my limit a year before I even sought out therapy.  Therapy has made it worse not better.  I just have this desire to runaway.  Where would I go?  I can't runaway because I am the problem.  The problem is inside my own head.  I'm at maximum capacity and the thought of continuing this way scares me to death.