Thursday, October 14, 2010

Emails from my mother

I just got this email from my mother.  It's ironic--I just wrote a very lengthy post about her last night that I'm not ready to make public just yet.  Part of me is scared of posting this email because it touches on some very personal issues.  I just don't know what to do with these emails she sends to me  anymore so I thought I'd open it up to everyone else.  I've tried blocking her and changing my email addresses.  It doesn't work.  She always finds me and she gets around being blocked by creating new email addresses.  How can someone who brought me into this world hate me so much?  I know what I should and should not feel intellectually.  I just wish it were up to my brain and not my heart. 
MY CHURCH GROUP WAS TALKING ABOUT REGRETS AND MISTAKES IN ARE LIVES AND THIS GOT ME TO THINKING ABOUT YOU KIDS AND HOW YOU GROWED UP.  IT MAKES ME SAD THAT I LOST YOU KIDS.  I AM SAD THAT WE CANT BE A FAMILY.  I WAS ALSO THINKING ABOUT YOU AND THE WAY YOU ARE.  THIS IS MY FAULT TO IT IS MY FAULT THE WAY YOU TURNED OUT.  I DIDNT LOVE YOU ENOUGH.  I TRIED SO HARD TO FEEL LOVE FOR YOU.  WHEN YOU WAS BORN THE NURSE PUT YOU IN MY ARMS.  YOU WAS BLUE BECAUSE THE CORD WAS AROUND YOUR NECK.  i LOOKED AT YOU FOR A REALLY LONG TIMEE.  I WAS SAPPOSED TO FEEL LOVE FOR YOU AND I DIDNT.  I NOW THIS IS TERIBLE BUT I WISHED THE CORD HAD STRANGLED YOU.  IT WAS DIFFERENT WITH YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS I LOVED THEM RIGHT THE MOMENT I SAW THEM.  FROM THE START I HAD TROUBLE WITH YOU.  I COULDNT BEAR TO THINK ABOUT YOU ON MY NIPPLE SO I BOTTLE FED YOU BUT YOU WAS ALLERGIC TO EVERYTHING.  YOU HAD SEIZURES AND WAYS ALWAYS SICK.  YOU WAS ALWAYS SICK.  YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS WERE BEAUTIFUL BABYS BUT YOU WERE STRANGE AND WIERD LOOKING.  I KEPT ASKING THE DOCTORS IF THEY GAVE ME THE WRONG BABY BECAUSE I JUST NEW THIS CRETURE DIDN'T COME FROM ME.  i TRIED TO LOVE YOU WHEN YOU WAS OLDER TO BUT YOU MADE IT IMPOSABLE.  YOU WAS SO NEEDY ALWAYS IN MY FACE.  WHEN YOUR HAIR GROWED IN BLOND.  I JUST NEW YOU WASNT MINE.  HOW CAN YOU LOVE A CHILD THAT YOU NOW IS EVIL.  HOW CAN YOU LOVE A CHILD THAT DESTROYED YOUR LIFE AND DOES EVERYTHING IN HER POWER TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE?  YOU MAKE EVERYONES LIVES MISERABLE.  WHEN YOU WAS SLEEPING WITH MY HUSBAND I COULDNT EVEN LOOK AT YOU.  WHAT KIND OF MOTHER BRINGS UP SUCH A WHORE AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE?  WHAT DID I DO WRONG?  MY BIGGEST REGRET AND MISTAKE IS BRINGING YOU INTO THIS WORLD BECAUSE I SEE HOW MANY LIVES YOU HAVE RUINED.  BECAUSE OF YOU YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS GREW UP IN FOSTER CARE AND NOW LOOK AT ALL THE PROBLEMS THEY HAVE.  WE WOULD STILL BE A FAMILY TODAY IF YOU WAS NEVER BORN.  LOOK AT ALL THE FOSTER HOMES YOUS BEEN IN.  NO ONE COULD HANDLE YOU AND NO ONE COULD LOVE YOU BECAUSE ITS IMPOSABLE.  YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS GOT HOMES WITH PEOPLE TO LOVE THEM BUT NO ONE COULD LOVE YOU.  I WISHED IT WAS JUST ME THAT COULDLNT LOVE YOU BUT NO ONE ELSE COULD EITHER.  THERE IS JUST SOMETHING VERY WRONG INSIDE YOU HONEY.  I WORRY ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME.  SOMETHING INSIDE YOU IS JUST EVIL AND WRONG AND I DONT NOW HOW TO FIX IT.  WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOUR FOSTER DAD THAT YOU HAD AN AFAIR WITH.  DID YOU RUIN HIS MARAGE AND FAMILY LIKE YOU DID TO MINE?  IF YOU WAS SO INOCENT WHY WOULD YOU SEDUSE AND SLEEP WITH A GROWN MAN?  HOW LONG DID YOU DO THIS BEFORE YOU GOT CAUGHT?  HOW LONG BEFORE THEY KICKED YOU OUT BECAUSE THEY SAW WHAT I SEE IN YOU.   IM NOT TRYING TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS BY SAYING THIS.  IM JUST TRYING TO GET YOU TO CHANGE AND BE A BETTER PERSON.  MABYE IF I HAD LOVED YOU MORE YOU WOULD BE A GOOD PERSON.  I PRAY TO GOD THAT YOU NEVER ADOPT NO KIDS.  I NOW YOU CANT HAVE YOUR OWN NO MORE WHICH IS GOOD.   GOD WORKS IN MISTERIOUS WAYS.  I JUST WANT THE SICKE TO STOP.  I DONT WANT NO MORE PAIN IN THIS WORLD.  YOU NEED TO SEEK SOME MENTAL HELP.  GO TO COUNSLING OR SOMETHING.  DO WHATEVER YOU CAN TO MAKE YOURSELF A GOOD PERON.  MAYBE SOMEONE WILL BE ALE TO LOVE YOU.  I WANT THIS FOR YOU.  MAYBE WE CAN BE A FAMILY WHEN YOU GET HELP. MOM