Sunday, October 3, 2010

Drifting away

I wrote my therapist an email to say that I feel like I hurt her feelings on Friday and that I'm sorry if I did.  She responded a few hours later with:  "Don't worry-- I'm charging you extra for the session. Looking forward to talking more about it with you next week."  That cracked me up.  I guess she didn't give away my time slots after I said I wasn't coming back.  It would be so much easier to quit therapy if I didn't like her.  At least I think I like her.  I guess I like her but I don't trust her.  I don't want to go back.  It's too hard and there hasn't been any progress in five months.  Maybe I'm too damaged to be fixed. 

Her response makes me wonder.  Does that mean I did hurt her feelings?  I guess I did.  Now I have to worry about it for a week before I see her again, which makes going back even harder.  Therapy twice a week is way too much, but also not enough.  I don't know what I need or want anymore.  I promised a few people that I would go back to therapy so now I have to.  

I saw a movie Saturday night with my gf.  We saw, "The Town."  It was okay, if you like violent movies about bank robbers with morally ambiguous characters.  I freaked out in the middle of the movie because there was a scene where two characters beat someone with bats and a sledge hammer.  It took my mind somewhere.  I don't know where...I kind of just floated away for a while and when I came back my heart was pounding, I was sweating and I couldn't breathe.  My hands wouldn't stop shaking.  I do that in therapy sometimes too.  I have a hard time not floating off into space....spacing out.  Once it happened when I was taking a very important exam.  I lost about twenty minutes of time just spacing out for no reason.  Where do I go?  I have no idea.  How do I stop it?  I missed about fifteen minutes of the movie.  What the hell?  This is NOT okay!