Tuesday, September 28, 2010

My dreams won't let me sleep

I've been thinking a lot about the choices I've made in life up to now and why I chose to make them.  The choice to be the good girl, the reliable and responsible one.  Why wasn't I more of a trouble maker? Why didn't I make stupid choices and just go crazy and have some fun? I wish I had done more of....ANYTHING.

I was always the good kid that got straight A's, was always too active in clubs and sports. I always wanted everyone to like me and think I had a good head on my shoulders. I always felt like I had to make the right decisions because there was no one there to catch me if I fell. I don't have parents or any sort of family, so what would happen if my life fell apart? Now I regret those decisions and I want to say fuck you to my life and all these rules.

I've never really done anything crazy in my life. I'm way too old to just say fuck it and mess up my life now. I want to try cocaine. I want to have one night stands and shop lift.

What would it be like to do cocaine, go to a night club and hook up with a total stranger? 

I want something to move me.  I want something to move me like my favorite acoustic song. I have so much to give, so much to contribute, but yet I feel so fruitless. No outlet. My biggest worry is settling into something in this life that leaves me unfulfilled. Something that leaves me feeling like I've given less than my potential. Too much passion moves me. Too much feeling dictates my every move; my every thought. As does too little feeling.  Mostly too little feeling.  What is my calling? I don't know.

My birthday is coming up.  What has become of me?  I've experienced some.  Not enough. I've created memories. I've made friends.  Never in my life did I want to become stagnant. I never wanted to feel as though I'm living day to day.  Like I have been for the last few years. I want to make something of myself. Even if it is just someone small. I want to be somebody.  I want to be special so that my childhood can make sense to me.  There would have been a reason for all of it.  A reason for me to be here.

I feel as though I have all this energy locked inside of me with no outlet. I write, and I write. I draw and I draw. I go throughout my day with pictures flowing through my head, but what do I do with them? What do they do with me?  Is it ever enough to make a living? Is making a living ever better than becoming someone?

Unfortunately there are bills to be paid. Money is what keeps you going, but what about becoming something you've always dreamed of?  Do I even know what I've always dreamed of?  Sure, I could pick something. I could settle into a career, anything really. But am I really becoming someone special? I used to have all this creative energy.  Energy that I know will come back when I feel better, but then what do I do with it? I guess I don't have the balls enough to follow my dreams. The car insurance, the rent, the therapy wont pay itself so I can draw or make films all day.  Is that even what I want to do?

Where do I go from here? I don't know. Where am I going? I don't know. The "self-help" section at Borders won't help.  Will therapy help? I envy those who have followed their hearts to create realities of their dreams.