Thursday, September 30, 2010

Emotional capacity

I'm feeling pretty agitated since I left therapy, a whole hour ago. I almost didn't go today but I went anyway thinking it was what was best for me... Was it?  Eh...I don't know.  She kept making me think about my feelings when I said I don't know.  The problem is I truly don't know.  I don't have any feelings.

 Maybe I'm a sociopath.  I care about other people too much, but when it comes to me I don't have any feelings other than anger and anxiety.  That's about the extent of my emotional capacity.  Sometimes I have a good time when I'm out with friends and making them laugh.  I feel good then, so I guess I have access to three feelings.

She kept bringing up questions that I truly do have about her, yet she never answered them.  Does she have supervision?  She told me what supervision means but didn't answer if she has it.  Is she talking about me with her therapist?  That prospect freaks me out a bit.   I told her I feel like she's going to refer me to someone else eventually.  She asked me if I want her to refer me to someone else.  I said no, and she said, "okay," but left it at that.  She didn't reassure me that she wouldn't.  Does that mean she is thinking about it?

What is she writing about me in that little tan folder?  I've become more and more obsessed with it as I watch it get thicker and thicker over the months.  It could be a short book, or at least an article by now.  An article about me!  About how nuts she thinks I am!  Who else reads this folder?  When growing up in foster care you have this big black binder that follows you...."your file."  It's filled with private information about you that everyone can read.  Everyone except for you.  I tried to get my file when I was 18, as I was promised, but they make it impossible for that to happen.  I eventually gave up.  And now I have a different file, only this one is tan.

I shared something with her for the first time last Friday...something big.  Something I've never told anyone before in my entire life.  I hate that I shared it with her...basically a stranger.  I want to take it back.  I wanted to ask her if she truly believes me but I couldn't.  I wonder what she wrote in my file about it.  I worry that she thinks I'm making this stuff up.  I'm not but I think other people think I must be.

I asked my therapist if she thinks she can help me today.  Her response was "I hope so."  What does that mean?  Am I a lost cause?  I wonder what she truly thinks of me.  I want to know what her real thoughts are underneath those appropriate therapist statements.

Okay I feel better now.